12:30am Friday, November 21st, 2003 | |
Swimming With Sharks: The Loanshark Rules |
|
Are now
posted and linked from the
Season Rules
page. Check 'em out! I am sure you guys who have been borrowing money want
to know exactly what you have been risking! |
|
5:30pm Wednesday, November 19th, 2003 | |
Side of Beef: Smashers 3 Babes
0 |
|
B |
Classic Monday night Bloodbowl saw plenty of
spillage as the Drakehead Smashers took advantage of a cool, breezy
late-autumn evening with plenty of sweet birds singing and the smell of
delicious baking in the air to rampage through villages and bring death and
carnage to all form of farm animal and childrens' pets on their way to play
the Horny Babes, who themselves had just finished off a large buffet
with a centerpiece of a whole herd of venison all stuffed with garlicky
gnomes. As gnome-breath and the wails of panicked chickens swarmed through
the air, 53,000 ready and typically unable fans filled the stands to watch
two teams of titanic brutality face-off on the pitch. Hosting, the Babes won
the coin toss and received the kick to much glee only to twist around and
find the Smashers blitzing their way hot on the heels of the kick. The blitz
quickly saw Beastwoman Wulfspider knocked out cold by bruiser saurus
Godisdead and Gora the Impaler, the Babes' illustrious Minotaur and
easy-male predator, taken off the field wailing and gnashing her teeth over
a smashed knee, vowing "Blood! Vengeance and... Just give me some DAMN
children-patties! I'm hungry!". Doctors say that while Gora will be
alright overall, she will likely feel the effects of the injury for the rest
of her life, in addition to her previous injuries. Some Babes fans could be
overheard in the stands saying that this could be the beginning of the end
of the Minotaur's career, but they were quickly taken away by security and
turned into fresh pizza sauce. |
5:00pm Wednesday, November 19th, 2003 | |
Horny Babes Waiting for You: Exclusive Pics! |
|
The first set
of custom player pics, courtesy of the Horny Babes, has been posted
on the
Player Pictures Tutorial page. Download 'em and spice up your JBB
experience... |
|
11:30am Wednesday, November 19th, 2003 | |
Short People: Flicks 3 Shorty
0 |
|
C |
Another fine day for DragonBB League play
Monday evening found the Picken Flicks digging for big boogers to
hurl at the Get Shorty, hosts of this evening’s game. Doc Hott, the
Shorty coach, could be seen fervently rolling his lucky dice before the game
in the hopes that his band of stompy bearded fellows would pick up the pace
a bit and find a bit of extra-tasty gristle in their goblin stew to pump
them towards victory. After a solid 59,000 bristling fans had filled the
seats, the teams took to the field for a match of – if not wits – gruff
belching and neck-wringing. |
11:30am Wednesday, November 19th, 2003 | |
Leave a Good Looking Corpse: Dervishes 1
!! (Cadavers 5) |
|
C |
Before a massive crowd of 81000 fans, the
diminutive Hoary Dervishes faced off against the ghastly Nipply
Cadavers in what was anticipated to be a gruesome match Monday night.
|
11:30am Wednesday, November 19th, 2003 | |
The Best of the Best: Hall of Fame Returns! |
|
On your left
you will be pleased to note the return of the career statistics for the top
players in various categories. The
Hall
of Fame will be updated periodically and hopefully expanded... |
|
3:00am Wednesday, November 19th, 2003 | |
Weekend in Review: Thursday Nov. 13th - Sunday Nov. 16th |
|
A |
Graves of Wrath: Bonestealers 2 Hunt 1
The champion Brimstone Bonestealers
faced off against the raw star power of the Wild Hunt on Thursday
night as 76,000 fans paid a premium to watch the struggle. Confident of
their victory, the Bonestealers benched many of their best players, most
notably leading casualty-scorer Anoth "Big Mummy" Tset and the Stealer's top
scorer Scarbrow Spleenlicker not even dressing for the match. Their
confidence seemed well placed as the Stealers received in the first half, a
Hunt attempt to flank their drive failing badly as ghoul Scabclaw Buttmuch
travelled the length of the field with the ball.
In the course of the drive, the Hunt suffered a severe setback as skeleton
"The Shadow" Nose brought down rookie wardancer Wychwethyl with a tremendous
blow to the head that was later diagnosed as a serious concussion. He
was shortly afterwards followed off the field by thrower Skaw2 who was badly
hurt as Scabclaw blitzed into the end zone for the touchdown. The Hunt's
troubles did not end there, as on the return drive, star wardancer
Wychwethyl was carried out of the game, badly hurt by ghoul Mad Dog
Marrowlips. As the Hunt drive collapsed and Sceolan found himself
being rushed by Stealers, he turned tail and ran, making no effort to move
the ball up-field much to the disappointment of the fans. With the Hunt in
full retreat, the halftime whistle finally blew. Treeman Fangorn finally
waking up for the second half, he immediately made his weight felt as the
Hunt received the ball, encouraged by the reinforcement. Staying
concentrated, the Hunt drove up the flank in a phalanx, protecting
ball-carrying Sceolan, succeeding in breaking clean through, Sceolan scoring
easily at the middle of the half. Having lost one wight badly hurt and one
unconscious, the Bonestealers suddenly found themselves fighting on more
equal terms. Receiving, ghoul Fangmouth Earchewer carried the ball
forward for the Stealers as they ground forward against unexpectedly tough
opposition. The Hunt smothered the drive halfway to the end zone and managed
to wrest control of the ball away, Sceolan grabbing it fading back and
looking for a way to dump the ball up field. before he could get rid
of it, however, the Stealers broke through, "The Shadow" Nose blitzing
Sceolan to the ground, Scabclaw recovering the loose ball to score in the
dying seconds of the game, netting the Bonestealers a narrow 2-1 victory.
Despite the photo finish, fans were generally disappointed on the one hand
with the lack of death and maiming normally associated with Bonestealer
games and on the other with Sceolan's somewhat lackluster performance... is
this a sign of decline for each team? Time will tell... |
Stealers Hit the Wall: Killers 2 Bonestealers 1
The earth shook
as two of the most powerful teams in the league crashed together, the
Brimstone Bonestealers battling with the Mass Killers in front of
a tremendous crowd of 88,000 rabid, frothing, bloodthirsty fans. Right from
the Bonstelaers initial blitz it was clear the the game would be an epic
brawl, and quickly the two teams were battling for ball control until it was
knocked into the stands and was thrown back in deep in Killers territory
where it was retreived by beastman Chupacabra, who immediately ran up the
far side. Intercepted halfway towards the end zone, he was knocked
flat by wight Dagoth Shiverspine, joining an increasing number of Killers
knocked out in the dugout. In the ensuing struggle, the Killers
returned the favour, knocking out ghoul Mad Dog Marrowlips and finally
achieving local superiority, beastman Ben Laden recovering the ball and
running into the end zone to score, putting the Killers on the scoreboard
first in the last minute of the first half. With no time to score, the
Bonestealers nevertheless took advantage of the short time remaining in the
half to lay into the Killers line of scrimmage, mummy Dus "Mummybane"
Nel-Etgath delivering a crushing blow to beastwoman Marge Allright which
ripped her head clean off her shoulders, sending it bouncing away as the
headless body stood there twitching until it was animated by the dark
magicks of necromancer Nygrell Grimskull, retrieving it's head to shamble
over to the Bonestealers' bench. Receiving in the 2nd half, the Bonestealers
grabbed the Beastman by it's horns and advanced straight up the center of
the field, battling their way forward through the main strength of the
Killers. Despite losing Dus Nel-Etgath (who had to be carted off to the
dugout to regenerate from a particularly nasty hit), the Stealers managed to
break out their cage, and after a brief scuffle with beastman Sara Fat
playing safety, mad Dog Marrowlips was able to scoop up the ball, only to
trip over Nuffle's foot as he sprinted into the end zone. Beastman Dens B.
Lair swept in to collect the ball but completely fumbled an attempted pass
up field, allowing Scarbrow Spleenlicker to blitz him to the ground and
steal the ball, finally scoring the tying touchdown for the Stealers. The
Killers hit back hard on the return drive, decisively breaking through the
Stealers' defence and relaying the ball up to beastman the Jackal who raced
in to the end zone to score the winning touchdown. With only a few minutes
remaining on the clock, the Bonestealers were not able to create another
scoring opportunity against the powerful Killers lineup, and the the game
ended an upset 2-1 Killers victory, and the first Bonestealers defeat in 12
games and ending a 7 game winning streak. |
|
Keel Hauled: Surly 2 Barnacles 0
The
ever-heavier hitting Short and Surly took on the Blistering
Barnacles on Saturday, scoring a 2-0 victory over the favoured home
team. The Barnacles were having difficulties very early on as a fumbled pass
allowed the Surly to thoroughly disrupt their first drive, the Surly
inflicting important casualties in the form of saurus Dances-on-Dwarves
badly hurt and kroxigor Ever-Loving Bulk being dragged, writhing in pain,
off the pitch, complaining of a broken neck... although no one could
actually find his neck to confirm. The Barnacles drive turned into a comedy
of errors as the lizardmen could not seem to get their hands on the ball,
the Surly finally overpowering the skinks deep in their own zone, hobgoblin
Shitless taking the loose ball and running to the line of scrimmage where he
was stopped cold, but the Barnacles could not delay for long as bull centaur
Hoofgrinder managed to blitz the saurus aside and amazingly, recover the
ball, sprinting the rest of the way to the end zone to score just before
halftime. Fearful of the potential damage to the team with 1/3rd of the
Barnacles heavy-hitting power neutralized, coach Cobra Commander fielded
only 7 players for the 2nd half, the Surly receiving and driving forward at
full strength to predictably dominate the second half of the game. The
Barnacles fought with determination but in the end the tables had turned too
heavily against them, and, as hobgoblin Fucker loitered with the ball at the
goal line, their on field roster dwindled from seven to three with skinks
Little Tokyo and Rowdy Rod Reptile, and saurus Lerisuresuit Larry badly hurt
and skink Gila "Doc" Connors knocked out cold. Fucker final scored in the
final minute of the game, ending the match a decisive 2-0 Surly victory. |
|
B |
Amazons Beat Elves: Harem 2 Bloods 1
A record-breaking crowd of 96,000 turned out to
watch the confrontation between the Banner Guard Bloods and the
Harem. The two well matched teams look like they may be the big rivalry
to watch in Frog Conference, as no hold were barred during the 84 minute
game. Fielding only nine players against the harem's full squad, the Bloods
first drive was a minor disaster as the harem exhibited superior fighting
qualities on the line of scrimmage, badly disrupting the Bloods' gameplan.
As the offensive line crumbled, the Harem rushed phoenix warrior Wellington,
causing him to hurriedly pass up to lion warrior Charles, who, despite
catching the ball, was in the middle of a serious scrum with no easy way
out. The Harem blitzed him to the ground and the ball bounced into the hands
of linewoman Sharon who handed off to thrower Val. Val fumbled a pass
to waiting catcher Alis Sister and the Bloods had the opportunity they
needed, Wellington retrieving the ball and again completing a pass to
Charles who, this time, was in the clear, and, despite temporarily dropping
the ball as he was harried by the Harem defence, successfully recovered it,
dashing into the end zone to score. With little time left in the half, the
Harem used their numbers to drive up both flanks simultaneously, but things
went awry as linewoman Sam badly hurt herself on a missed block, and
line-elf Xerxes making a dramatic interception at the line of scrimmage of a
long pass from Val in the back field. A confused melee topped out the
half, neither team getting anywhere close to a scoring opportunity. The
Harem came out swinging in the second, executing a qucik snap and cutting
the Bloods defence to ribbons, Val completing a short pass to Alis Sister
who sprinted in to score a tying touchdown before the middle of the half.
The Bloods received the next kick, relaying the ball up to Charles who made
a weak drive up the wide zone escorted by two line-elves which the harem
defence easily crushed, taking possession of the ball. Linewoman Jen broke
free of the melee with the ball and ran across the pitch to toss a wild pass
to catcher Ali, but the Bloods could not capitalize on the error, and with
three players knocked out and most of their team prone were in little
position to prevent Ali from recovering the ball and running into the end
zone to score the winning touchdown. With only minutes remaining in the
match, the Bloods fans hurtled various objects at the Harem defence,
stunning Sharon, but, fielding only seven players the Bloods were not able
to create a scoring opportunity in the time remaining ans the final whistle
blew on a 2-1 Harem victory. |
Amazons Beat Elves, Again: Divas 3 Videos 1
In a second Amazon vs Elf confrontation on the
weekend, the Lustria Divas trounced the Straight to Videos 3-1
in front of a much smaller crowd of 47,000. The Videos received first but
repeated passing errors caused a quick turn over in control to the Divas,
leading to protracted melee just inside Videos territory. The Videos got the
better of the fight, knocking out five Divas and reagaining control of the
ball, catcher "I love it when a plan comes together" running easily into the
Divas end zone to get the Videos on the board first. With minutes left
in the half, the Divas quickly organized a weighted drive up the wide zone
that allowed them to relay the ball to linewoman Sable 3.0, who dodged past
the Videos last line of defence to score to score just slightly before the
halftime whistle blew. The Divas were energized in the second half despite
the awakening of Videos' treeman "Not so Tiny Tim", executing a quick snap
driving hard on the flank, thrower Stacey fading back with the ball to
prepare for a passing play. As the Videos were sucked in towards
Stacey in the back field, their defence was stripped bare and Stacey easily
maneuvered to throw a pass to blitzer Trish, who handed off to linewoman
Terry who ran to the Videos' goal line completely unopposed to loiter there,
protected by nearly the entire Divas roster. Suddenly realizing their
opponents were 100% behind them and in possession of the ball, the Videos
conducted an about face, Coach Scores-Easy blushing angrily as he shouted
instructions from the dugout. Fortunately for the Videos the Divas opted not
to run down the clock, and Terry stepped into the end zone to score the
winning touchdown. With plenty of time left but now two elves short,
the Videos received the ball and feinted up both flanks. The plan went awry
as "I love it when a plan comes together" was knocked into the stands and
rendered unconscious and subsequently the ball was fumbled by line-elf "Are
you sure it was a book?" when he tried to pass up to wardancer "These go to
Eleven" who had snuck past the Divas line. The Divas capitalized on the
error, blitzer China 2.0 grabbing the loose ball and throwing a pass across
the field which was intended for catcher Dawn but which amazingly got caught
in the upper branches of "Not so Tiny Tim". The Videos rallied around the
treeman and he shook his mighty limbs, causing the ball to drop into the
waiting arms of "These go to Eleven". The wardancer was subsequently hit
from behind by Trish, the ball flying from his grasp and bouncing away on
the pitch, where it was reclaimed by China 2.0 who dashed into the Videos
backfield loosely screened by her teammates, sprinting in to score the 3rd
Divas touchdown with less than two minutes on the clock. No time left
to score, the final whistle blew shortly after on a dramatic Divas 3-1
victory. |
|
C |
Dead Drunk: Zone 1 Inaccurate 0
With 46,000 fans in attendance and eager to see
blood, the Dead Zone took on the Dead-on Balls Inaccurate on
Saturday. They were not to be disappointed as the Zone received the first
kick, driving forward straight through the center of the Inaccurate defence
in battalion square formation. The Inaccurate quickly showed they did not
lack for courage as the engaged the Undead in hand to hand, making daring
(some would say foolhardy) attacks which, amazingly, disrupted the Zone
advance for a time. The Zone ball carrier, ghoul Viper, did an amazing
job of keeping his feet despite repeated attacks by the Inaccurate defence,
until the superior weight of the Undead started to make itself felt,
Inaccurate thrower Pete Rose being carried off with a broken neck and rookie blitzer Rudolph the Drunk killed as he attempted to dodge away from skeleton
Sigourney, falling flat on his face with such force his nose bone was driven
back into his brain. To the horror of the humans, Rudolph newly dead
corpse was raised by the necromantic skills of Coach Dead Man Walken and
indeed they were forced to play the remainder of the game opposed by their
former teammate, his face contorted in the rictus of death. With
Inaccurate resistance broken late in the half, Viper dashed for the end zone
to make the score 1-0 for the Zone. Due to technical problems, the remainder
of the Cabalvision is audio only, so a detailed account cannot be given.
In brief, the Inaccurate drive failed, suffering further casualties with
lineman 4 suffering a damaged back after being broken upon the knee of wight
Barry, but nor could the Zone make any progress against the tenaciously
defending humans. The clock wound down on a 1-0 Zone victory. |
Dark Desire Denied: Zone 2 Desir 1
The Dead Zone were back on the field the
next day, facing the Noir Desir in 3rd round Division C action.
Winning the coin toss, the Zone received and drove forward in their familiar
tortoise formation, inflicting casualties as they slowly advanced, line-elf
Georges Malacquis being carried off with a concussion. The Desir returned
the favour, witch elf Claudia Demonia viciously fouling wight Barry,
smashing his knee, and injury which refused to regenerate. The Zone could no
more be stopped than a freight train, and, as line-elf Nasser El Barbudo
went down badly hurt the Zone swept the last of the Desir defence aside,
ghoul Charger running into the end zone unimpeded to score. The Desir
received and drove back without hesitation, witch elf Angela Del Muerta
blitzing former Inaccurate lineman zombie Rudolph the Drunk aside to push up
the wide zone. Thrower Vlad Terpes cleverly faked a failed handoff with
Claudia Demonia, sucking the Zone defence in, allowing Anglea to frenzy her
way clear of the last line of defence so she could receive Vlad's pass which
he completed as soon as he had picked up the ball again. Angela easily
evaded the last ditch defensive play by the zone and handed off the Claudia
who had caught up with the play, Claudia delaying the touchdown until the
last second of the 1st half. The score tied at 1-1, both teams set up for
the Desir's 2nd half reception, but just as the ball was kicked, a horde
drawn from the Zone's burgeoning fan base rushed the pitch, attacking the Desir, knocking out both witch elves and line-elf Rack Courci and stunning
Vlad Terpes and blitzer Vlad El Negro. Reduced to seven players on the
pitch, it was all the remaining Desir players could do to stay alive as the
Zone conducted their onslaught, the crisis deepening as line-elf Sha Itan
tripped up trying to dodge out of contact with the advancing Zone and having
to be carried from the field, doubled over in pain from a pinched nerve. The
nimble dark elves managed to avoid complete encirclement, Vlad Terpes
getting free with the ball, but misfortune struck again as he fumbled the
ball trying to pass it to line-elf Gege Laspic who had managed to dash deep
into the Zone's undefended half. The Zone quickly took control of the ball, wight Snow blitzing Vlad to the ground and grabbing it up. All hope lost,
Coach Baboune of the Desir called a timeout and crossed the field to parlay
with Coach Dead Man Walken of the Zone. After a brief discussion, Dead Man
Walken nodded his assent and as regulation time started up again, neither
team moved, keeping their positions as the clock ticked away until finally
as the the referee prepared to blow his whistle, Snow walked into the Desir
end zone and spiked the ball, ending the game at 2-1 for the Zone. The Zone
have done much to repudiate their 1st round loss against the Hoarey
Dervishes, demonstrating that they will be a force to be reckoned with
in as the season progresses. |
|
2:30pm Monday, November 17th, 2003 | |
Noskull Does it Again: The Burden of Being Beautiful |
|
The execrable
Noskull Rierohl has done it again with this exclusive peek into the locker
room and dainty under-things of the up and coming Cfoo's Harem.
Read all
about it! |
|
4:00pm Saturday, November 15th, 2003 | |
Conference Trophy Changes: Individual SPP Bonuses Replaced by 2 MVPs |
|
Due to
administrative difficulties that make the +1 SPP per player bonus for the
conference trophies too difficult to maintain, they are being replaced
(retroactively as well) by two MVP awards that the coach may give to two
separate players of his choice. The changes are now reflected in
this and
last
season's rules. |
|
1:30am Friday, November 14th, 2003 | |
Can You Dig It? Sharks 3
Howlers 0 |
|
B |
It was a perfect day for some Bloodbowl as the underdog Mad Howlers hosted the far more experienced Rage Sharks fresh off a highly controversial game against the Harem. Having lost the coin toss, the Howlers kicked to the Sharks who just started tearing the Ork line apart, casting the Orks to and fro like sacks of hobbit heads. Chaos Beastman Maim was quick to recover the ball and start up the right side of the pitch. The Howlers tried in vain to stop the Sharks but with vital skills lacking and Nuffle feeling frisky, could do nothing against the superior Sharks who merrily tore through the Ork team, knocking Blitzer Spleenlik unconscious and running Maim cleanly into the Ork territory. Desperate to halt the unimpeded Maim, a few Orks dusted themselves off and rallied around Blitzer Krotchkik, allowing him a hole through which to run and throw himself into Maim, knocking him down and leaving the ball on the ground at his feet. Sadly, with nary another Ork in sight for miles, The Crusher slammed his fists down onto Krotchkik’s head, stunning him, allowing Maim to hop back to his feet, pick up the ball, and continue towards the Howlers goal line. The Sharks continued to administer a sinister thrashing to the Howlers who couldn’t get up let alone try to get anywhere near Maim, who had settled on the goal line for a spot of tea. Having broken into two distinct melees, the Howlers tried every trick they had and just as Black Ork Bonecrusha was about to launch himself upon the highly feared Frumpy Thistlebottom, coach Blargson downed a tall mug of frosty Grubweiser ™ and let loose with a belch of such proportions as to cause the crowd to fall silent and all eyes to turn towards the Howlers dugout, all eyes but two that is, those of Black Ork Bonecrusha who with a flip of his wrist, bitchslapped Thistlebottom’s jaw, leaving a mysterious puncture wound some 4 inches deep, seriously injuring the Shark. The Sharks continued to pound the Howlers into the grass, trying to exact vengeance for their fallen brother but the highly resilient Orks denied them the pleasure until the last few seconds of the half were running out and Maim, packed up his portable tea set and with a yawn and a wave of his tail, scored. The Howlers, exhausted, threw a few less than brilliant blocks after the Sharks kick and the whistle blew, ending the first half. The second half opened with the Howlers receiving the kick. The Orks applied a few effective blocks into the Sharks line. Under the protection of Lineork Gazzbagg, Blackheart picked up the ball and fired a long bomb across the width of the field into the waiting arms of Blitzer Krotchkik who was fresh from a long first half nap. Krotchkik tried to plow his way through the line but was forced to retreat behind the safety of his brothers upon realizing he would have no cover if he entered the Sharks zone. The Sharks jumped back to their feet and resumed beating the Orks into the pitch, Beastman Rend quickly scurrying around the Ork line to knock Krotchkik flat and send the ball to the floor. The Howlers, intent on recovering the ball began to throw themselves like madmen at the Sharks. At this point, some sneaky gits and snottlings had apparently stormed the cabalvision booth and attached some bizarre device to the main speakers, blasting the stadium with an ancient and highly feared necromantic incantation “Livin’ La Vida Loca”, as everyone hit the dirt and covered their ears, Black Ork Bonecrusha who apparently for medical reasons was wearing earplugs, once again fell upon unsuspecting Beastman Maim, who perhaps sluggish from too much tea in the first half, fell to the floor with another mysterious puncture wound to the chest, removing him from the game. The Sharks redoubled their effort to break the Howlers, mashing them deeper into the pitch into what coach Blargson would fondly refer to post game as “our trenches”. Beastman Rend picked up the ball and broke away reaching the middle of the Howlers zone. Ork Blitzer Krotchkik, refusing to give up, pushed himself and closed the distance between him and Rend. It was a relatively effortless thing for the Sharks to exclude warrior Kharlo No Ess from the beatings, allowing him to charge forward to assist Rend in knocking the Ork to the floor and dashing off to score. The Sharks kicked to the Howlers once again. The Howlers, eager for a chance to dish out a little vengeance, took the line. Black Ork Legsnappa applied a double hammer fist to warrior Kharlo No Ess as Black Ork Nekkcrakka did the same to warrior Otto Khannon, both warriors ending up unconscious. Blackheart dashed off, picked up the ball and closed up behind his front line, hoping for a little protection from the Sharks who were now screaming for blood. The Orks were once again unable to contain the raging Sharks who smashed through their line and sacked Blackheart, allowing Rend to swoop in and again, snatch up the ball. Lineork Trollbreath tried in vain to catch up to Rend but tripped over a snotling that had fallen out of his jersey (the padding). Rend sauntered up to the goal line and lit up a Dunghill ™ brand cigarette, pausing for a few deep flavorful drags as the Sharks continued to pound the Howlers into the pitch while still the Howlers refused to stay down. With the seconds ticking away, Rend languidly walked across the line, bringing a 3-0 score to this mockery of the sport. Coach Blargson spoke with us after the game, when asked about the mysterious disappearance of Beastman Fritz the Blitz Grabba Grabba who never showed up for game and the multiple mysterious puncture wounds received by the Sharks, coach Blargson who was sitting on a large chest that moved of it’s own accord and picking his teeth with a freshly bloodied stiletto expressed his disbelief:
|
5:30pm Thursday, November 13th, 2003 | |
Do You Enjoy Photography? Custom Player Pictures How To |
|
Nudge Nudge,
wink wink! Coach Martin Scores-Easy of the Straight to Videos has
taken the time to prepare a quick custom player picture
tutorial
which can be found in the new tutorials section (also linked in the
navigation pane under features). Check it out! No, really!
Check... it ... out! |
|
3:30pm Thursday, November 13th, 2003 | |
Midgets in the Mist: Smashers 2 Midgets 1 |
|
B |
The Drakehead Smashers ground their way
to a hard fought 2-1 victory over the Screaming Midgets last night.
Despite a hard-hitting game, the heavily armored opponents were able to make
little impact on one another, the only serious casualty in the course of the
game was longbeard Slapping Smithy of the Midgets who suffered broken ribs.
Unfortunately, the cabalvision replay was mostly destroyed when it was left
the Midget's locker room lavatory and mistaken for hygenic bathroom tissue.
Only the last quarter of the game was rescued, which at least captured the
dramatic conclusion of the game, a confused struggle for the ball
culminating in the last second winning touchdown by George the skink. A
strong showing by both teams, both turning a good profit at the gate. |
1:30am Thursday, November 13th, 2003 | |
Four Dead: Tuesday Nov. 11th |
|
B |
Unholy Terror: Divas 2 Babes 1 No one expected what was to happen as the Horny Babes took the field against their conference-mates the Lustria Divas, before a seething crowd of 71,000 mostly Lustrian fans. The Babes kicked first, but the Divas seemed to be a little off their game as the drive quickly fragmented into hand to hand combat, linewoman Sable 3.0 hanging back with the ball waiting for an opening as the two teams clashed. The usually nimble Divas had a great deal of trouble keeping their feet, as linewoman Molly, having tried to run into the clear, was driven back into the Babes end zone by the frenzied attacks of minotaur Gora the Impaler. Gora pushed her a full 24 yards, lobbing her into the crowd behind the end zone with a flick of her horns where Molly sustained a smashed hand before escaping to the dugout. The Divas situation went form bad to worse as Sable 3.0 handed off to blitzer Victoria 3.0 who's attempted pass up to catcher Dawn was dramatically intercepted by beastbabe TaeraTak, who promptly took off up the field. Seconds later Poison Ivy delivered a mighty blow to linewoman Xena 2.0, killing her instantly and sending her body flying backwards. TaeraTak ran down the field furiously with nothing to stop her but herself, as she caught a hoof on an old pelvis that was lying half buried in the field, going down in a heap and losing the ball. The Divas lost no time in turning the play around once more, linewoman Terry getting to the ball first, launching a successful pass to Sable 3.0 at the line of scrimmage, who then ran forward to hand off the ball to Victoria 3.0 who dashed into the Babes end zone before any of them could move a muscle in defence. The remainder of the half was engaged in a fruitless battle at the line of scrimmage. In the second half, the Babes received and, despite some confusion caused by Gora stunning herself trying to hit a Divas linewoman, the Babes managed to recover their offensive, doing a reverse passing play that sent a pair of beastbabes dashing up the opposite wide zone, unopposed by any Divas, beastbabe Cutey Groteska scoring to tie the game at 1-1. With the Divas exhausted and starting to suffer from attrition, the increasingly agitated fans suddenly invaded the pitch in force to rescue their favoured team. The Babes disappeared under a wave of Lustrian fans, fighting back hard... when the dust cleared, several babes were knocked out or stunned, and, most tragically chaos warrior Sally Splugorth and beastbabe Turbochik lay dead, surrounded by heaps of slain Lustrian fans who had finally overwhelmed them... both players were 17 game veterans who had been with the Babes since the beginning. Suddenly with the numbers advantage the Divas, Victoria 3.0 ran in to te Babes' end zone and received a pass for her second touchdown of the match and the winning touchdown. The remainder of the game the Babes beat furiously upon their opponents, knocking out 3 Divas before the final whistle, whereupon they turned as one and headed for the stands. Spectators fled in terror as the chaos warriors and beastbabes invaded the stands, slaughtering indiscriminately. In the words of Head Coach Led Piper as he spoke to our reporter against a backdrop of total carnage:
Word has it that the Babes have hired chaos
warrior UNHOLY TERROR to replace Sally Splugorth... |
C |
Die Young: Dervishes 1 March 1
The Hoary Dervishes went on the road to
visit the Orcish Funeral March as the team runs the gauntlet of it's
biggest, meanest opponents in the first few games of the season. The game
kicked off in front of a huge turnout of 75,000 fans, many lured by the
enchanting smell of the Halfling Master Chef, specially hired by the
Dervishes to cater the game. Some of the Orcs of the March could be seen
with mouths watering, licking their lips, but it is not known if this was
because of Master Chef's cooking or because of the plump Halflings lining up
to receive the first kick. perhaps roused by the cooking smells, treeman
Wesley was quite awake in the first half, taking his place at centerfield.
The kick received, the Dervishes made several feints through the March's
line, screening ball-carrier Sven from attack as the huge Orcs attempted to
crush the wildly dodging little halfers. Unable to find a good opening for a
running play but having sucked the March to close quarters, the signal to
pass was given by coach Buttercup, and ogre Percy stepped over to Sven,
hefting him in his huge hand, then sauntering forward, craning his neck to
find a clear spot. Percy hauled back and threw Sven in a perfect arc,
landing him halfway to the March end zone. Sven hit the ground running
and and sprinted into the end zone, giving the Dervishes a 1-0 lead as the
crowd went wild. As the middle of the half approached, the Dervishes
kicked to the March and the Orcs began their return drive. The Dervishes put
every ounce of energy they had, buoyed up by snacks passed out into the
field from the sumptuous buffet, to delay the March's steady advance, even
challenging the March for control of the ball. Their delaying tactics
were dearly bought, however, as halfling Betsy was crushed by blitzer Unholy
Hooker as the drive progressed and halfling Tad was knocked into the stands,
badly hurt after a group of snotlings set upon him where he lay stunned.
The Dervishes returned some of the favour when Percy smashed the hand of
lineorc Gangrena, and, slowly giving ground, they ran down the time on the
clock until finally the March were stopped within mere feet of the Dervishes
end zone. The first drive of the second half played out very similarly to
the last drive of the 1st half, in that the March received the ball and
drove slowly up the field. With twice as much time this time, however,
the halfling delaying tactics were futile to prevent a march touchdown which
finally occurred late in the half, the March themselves switching to
delaying tactics, hoping to keep the Dervishes to a tie-game. With the
score 1-1 and minimal time remaining in the game, the Dervishes attempted a
fling play, Wesley throwing Mindy, who successfully landed but, too far from
the end zone, was caught by the March defence and stunned silly Wesley threw
one more halfling to try and pick up the loose ball, but although the throw
and landing were flawless, halfling Joe stumbled as he ducked in to pick up
the ball from under the nose Unholy Hooker. With that, the final
whistle blew on a 1-1 tie game, remarkably, the Dervishes second match
unbeaten... |
Boot to the Head: Vikings 2 Flicks 0
The other stunty team of Division C took
the field that same night, the Picken Flicks squaring off against the
Screaming Vikings.
The match started amidst a raging blizzard, and, despite receiving the ball
first, the Flicks lost control quickly to a failed hand off, although they
managed to scatter the Vikings counterattack, regaining the ball shortly
afterward. The Flicks offence suffered another setback as ogre Olga
missed a haymaker and spun herself around so violently she lost
consciousness. The shivering Goblins pressed on, their opponents seemingly
oblivious to the snow, hail, and sleet (in fact they seemed to positively
enjoy it). Again they lost control, the ball bouncing into the hands of
lineman Frasierson, who made for the end zone, badly hurting goblin Glenn
who tried desperately to blitz him, and scoring in the closing minutes of
the half. With minutes to spare, the Flicks attempted a throwing play,
goblin Steve bravely suiting up for the attempt, but the slippery conditions
prevented him from making a good landing and down he went, losing the ball
just before the halftime whistle blew. With no let up in the weather in the
second half, the Vikings received and after a slow start rolled methodically
forward. Suppressing the stunty Flicks as much as possible, the Vikings
broke out their cage with blitzer Kicklescouillesson in possession and
running easily through the accumulating snow towards the Flicks end zone,
scoring unopposed late in the half. Again with minutes remaining, it seemed
like the Flicks were going to try the throwing play, but the Vikings
pre-empted them with a blitz, charging through the snow to knock Olga
unconscious once more. Their plan in tatters, the two teams melees for the
remaining minute on the clock until the whistle blew on a solid 2-0 Vikings
victory. |
|
Panic at Sylvan Stadium: Bakers 2 Sonics 1
The inexperienced Sylvan Supersonics and
Bloodpie Bakers faced off against each other last night in a
tumultuous match.
It was the second profession league game ever for both teams, but it did not
lack for excitement as the Sonics received the first kick under very sunny
skies. The Sonics got off to a shaky start as line-elf Enthugger
bounced off his opposite number on the line of scrimmage, the Bakers
exploiting their two man advantage to charge thrower Thranduilseed, who
dodged away from onrushing bull centaur Red Eye and took the ball with him
to the middle of a hasty Sonics cage in the wide zone. The Sonics
catchers fought to penetrate into the Bakers' backfield as the Sonics
maneuvered their cage slowly forward, fending off the advances of Bob the
Troll, who seemed to be having some difficulty focusing on the game... every
so often he'd just sit down and start playing with the turf and cleaning his
various orifices until the screams and pleading shouts of his teammates
finally brought him back to the game. The two catchers Orgopher and
Greenwood the Great finally broke into the Bakers' zone, Greenwood heavily
covered by three opponents, but Orgopher breaking free and printing forward,
turning slightly to watch over his shoulder for the pass... and the pass
indeed came, Thranduilseed breaking out of the cage to run into the clear,
and, using one arm to shield his eyes from the blazing sun, hauled back to
fire off a perfect long spiral into Orgopher's waiting arms just before
getting hit hard from behind by Red Eye charging in, and having to be
carried, badly hurt, from the pitch. Orgopher didn't look back, outpacing
his pursuers easily to score and put the Sonics on the board at 1-0. The
Sonics, down to a mere 7 players, kicked to the now 9 player Bakers'
offence. Fatigue told on the Sonics as the Bakers drove quickly ahead,
intent on scoring in the closing minutes, ball-carrying hobgoblin Surloin
the Hobby moving up protected well by his teammates and fending off the last
desperate Sonics attempts to stop him, sprinting around the few remaining
defenders to score the tying touchdown
just before the halftime whistle. As the seven players of the Sonics set up
to kick to the bakers in the 2nd half, the loyal fans of the Bakers rushed
onto the pitch and savagely attacked them, Orgopher going down badly hurt,
line-elf Ramdir knocked unconscious, all four remaining line-elves on the
pitch stunned before stadium security finally forced the blood-maddened
chaos fans back into the stands. It seemed the last straw for the Sonics,
especially as a minute later, Greenwood the Great getting tripped up by
chaos dwarves Sausage Maker and Meat Cleaver falling hard enough that he
could not walk off the pitch unaided, effectively reducing the Sonics to
four prone line-elves on the pitch. Enthugger got to his feet and, despite
the odds, charged in to try and hit hobgoblin John Dough who was running
forward, heavily escorted, towards the end zone with the ball, but he was
beaten to the ground again by the Bakers heavy hitters. john Dough
dashed into the end zone to score the winning touchdown, and the two teams
once again took up positions on the pitch, the Sonics reduced to 6
line-elves total against the 9 bakers... however as the Bakers prepared to
kick, the Sonics' fans now came to the rescue of their beleaguered team,
attacking the Bakers fans in the stands, sparking a massive riot that
effectively ended the game, order not restored until long after regulation
time had expired. The Bakers were much buoyed by their victory, and
the Sonics were somewhat consoled by a decent haul at the gate and small
endorsement contracts for Thranduilseed and Orgopher, although the cost to
the Sonic's fan base was severe, nearly 20% of their paying fans killed or
incapacitated in the extensive rioting during and after the game. |
|
4:00pm Wednesday, November 12th, 2003 | |
Supplementalicious: BSI Season I in Review Supplemental, Part I |
|
A dry
statistical analysis of Season I has begun... Part I, covering global
statistics, can be found
here.
If you have any suggestions for what statistics you would like to see
extracted from last season's games please feel free to email suggestions to
admin@soapyfrog.net. |
|
1:00am Wednesday, November 12th, 2003 | |
The Small Hours: Monday Nov. 10th |
|
A |
Smoking Sneakers: Machine 3 Steins 2
It was a clear day for bloodbowl as the
Frothy Steins and the Frog Machine prepared to do battle in front
of 76,000 fans. Having caught wind of the incredible sprinting speed records
chalked up by Machine gutter runner Skrittar Quarzo in practice, the Steins
opted for a VERY deep defence on the first kick of the game, setting up only
2 longbeards and ogre Bloodmember on the line of scrimmage. As the
kick flew threw the air, the officiating referee disappeared under a wave of
determined Skaven fans, and the Steins knew they were in for a very rough
half indeed. With total superiority at the line of scrimmage, the Machine
knocked Bloodmember flat, mercilessly fouling him, leaving him stunned,
until the rest of the Steins could rush up from their own end zone to
assist. With the Steins advancing, their defence fragmented, and the
Machine took advantage of a yawning gap on the Steins left side, gutter
runner Skrequal Sedizimo fading back to hand off to Skrittar, who stretched
his long legs in a mighty sprint, looping around the Steins defence, dodging
away from HarryPalms who was running to intercept and scoring the first
touchdown at the midpoint in the half. The Steins drove back,
progressing slowly against the cautious Machine layered defence, finally
breaking through decisively late in the half, HarryPalms rushing in to score
the tying touchdown. With only 30 seconds left in the half, the Steins
lined up their deep deep defence once more. A bad Steins kick put the
ball in the hands of Skrittar Quarzo who shot down the pitch, turfing
smouldering in his wake, dodging to the sideline as he neared the Steins
line and nipping past troll slayer Ooglie to enter the Steins end zone and
spike the ball to bring the score to 2-1. A 2nd half blitz by the Machine
ended in disaster after star gutter runner Skratsquick Terzo was tripped up
and stunned by a longbeard, and subsequently fouled cruelly by longbeard
Fudd, suffering a smashed knee. The discombobulated Machine defence
was dominated by the Steins who swept down the field, fending off the
increasingly desperate piecemeal Machine attacks, HarryPalms handing off the
ball to Bumpy in the end zone to tie the game again. The Steins tried to
maintain the pressure by blitzing on their next kick, but a bad kick gave
the ball to Skrittar once more, and, after dodging past the Steins line of
defence, his way was clear to race into the end zone to score for a personal
hat trick. Increasingly short handed, the Machine fought a losing
battle for the remainder of the half, the Stiens staging an impressive drive
that saw HarryPalms sprinting forward from almost the Steins end zone to
hand off to blitzer Numskul, who dashed forward towards the Machine end zone
with seconds to go, unfortunately slipping on a small pile of Skaven
droppings just as he was crossing the line with the ball held high in
victory. As the ball bounced away form his outstretched fingers, the
final whistle blew, ending the game a 3-2 Machine victory. |
Equal and Opposite: Mates 2 Killers 2
The increasingly bitter rivals Styg's Mates
and Mass Killers met in their 4th career matchup, the Killers
swearing vengeance for their dashed Soapy Cup playoff hopes last season. In
a torrential downpour and to the raucous cheering of 53,000 fans, the Mates
kicked off to the Killers and braced for impact. The two teams smashed
together on the rain soaked pitch, the Killers making good progress on the
Mate's flank. The fighting became general as both sides struggled for
position. Finally the Mates slipped a couple of players through the
struggling mass to hit beastman Dens B. Lair who went down stunned, dropping
the ball. There was a brief scuffle during which Mates catcher One-Eyed
Willy managed to nip in and grab the ball form under the noses of the nearby
Killers despite the slippery conditions, and make off with it towards the
Killer's end zone, outpacing his pursuers to put the Mates on the scoreboard
early. As the rain let up and the sun came out, the Killers were out for
blood on the next drive, overrunning the Mates defence, resulting in lineman
Davey Jones being carried off with a smashed knee and One-Eyed Willy
following, badly hurt. Having broken clean through Dens B. Lair handed
off to beastman Ben Laden who ran for the end zone, pushing blitzer Barbossa
out of the way to get there and tie the game at 1-1. With little time
remaining in the half, the Mates attempted a daring passing play which
almost succeeded before being squelched by the Killers' defence. The
Killers kicked in the 2nd half, the receiving Mates opening up the wide zone
for catcher vallo to receive the ball and run through the Killers defence,
avoiding their attacks and dodging away to score early in the half. The
Killers, playing catch-up once again, failed a pass to a midfielder on the
next drive sparking a massive struggle for the loose ball, either side
seeming able to keep their hands on it... during the fracas, lineman Mad Dog
Bonney went down with a concussion, and the Killers steadily drove the Mates
back towards their own end zone, control of the ball see-sawing back and
forth until finally it was sent flying into the crowd, thrown back in my
Killers fans into the Mates' end zone where beastman Sara Fat picked it up
to tie the game at 2-2. With only a few minutes left in the half, the Mates
received but the Killers beat them to the punch, Ben Laden retrieving the
Killers' own kick, sprinting like mad for the Mates end zone unobstructed...
but, unused to such speedy movement, he noticed too late that his laces were
loose and as he approached the end zone he became hopelessly entangled,
yelling "Ooooooooooooooohhhhhhhh
not today" as he fell flat on his face, knocking himself out. And
so the game ended a 2-2 tie... |
|
B |
Dances With Minotaurs: Sharks 3 Harem 3
Under the brightly shining sun the veteran
Rage Sharks took the field against the up and coming ladies of the
Harem. Receiving in the first half, the Sharks set up a heavily weighted
offence and executed a quick snap, driving hard up the wide zone, blowing
through the Harem defence like a locomotive through wet kleenex, the sleek
and powerful Frumpy Thistlebottom giving the ball to Rend who dashed in for
the early score. The Amazons returned the favour without batting an eye on
the Sharks subsequent kick, blasting up the wide zone and sweeping aside the
lone beastman foolish enough to get in their way. With the score tied at 1-1
and less than a quarter of the game elapsed, the Harem found themselves
again kicking. The kick went out of bounds, thus the Sharks took the
ball and wedged it tightly in the harness of minotaur Strongbad who was
pawing the ground and snorting at the line of scrimmage in anticipation
being let loose. With a slap on one massive haunch, Strongbad was
unleashed, galloping towards a mesh bag full of slaughtered halflings that
lay, dripping, in the Harem end zone where members of the Sharks coaching
staff had flung it. The Harem recognized an unstoppable menace when they saw
one and made no attempt to break through the screen of Sharks who covered
the minotaur's charge, and Strongbad reached the end zone unopposed settling
down to munch happily on halfling bits as his team celebrated around him.
The Harem struck back without hesitation once again, the ball run all the
way up the wide zone by linewoman Sam, scoring the tying touchdown as the
last minutes of the 1st half drained away. In the second half, the Harem
took the lead as two linewomen ran up the wide zone, the Sharks suspiciously
making no special attempts whatever to obstruct their progress, linewoman
Vicki carrying the ball into the end zone to make it 3-2. On the next kick
the Sharks again used the lure technique to get Strongbad into the end zone,
this time planting a live lizardman skink secured tied to a stake in the
Harem end zone, it's plaintive cries drowned out by the appreciative roar of
the crowd. The kick was good this time, however, but nothing could hold Strongbad back as he charged forward to secure his dessert without waiting
for the ball. The Sharks rushed back to get the ball while keeping a lane
clear to Strongbad who quickly reach the end zone to feast on his reward.
The Harem put up only limited resistance as beastman Narf Nancy-Boy Narfson
retrieved the ball and ran up to the goal line to reach across and quietly
tuck the ball into Strongbad's harness, giving him credit for a second
touchdown. The remainder of the match consisted of linewomen Sam and Jen
passing the ball back and forth near the Harem end zone as the Sharks
rampaged through the Harem's front lines. Strangely, no attempt to score was
made despite ample time remaining. With fans grumbling about the lack
of casualties and the lackluster 2nd half, the final whistle blew on a 3-3
draw... |
Orc Day Afternoon: Boozzhounds 2 Howlers 1
It was Orc vs Orc as the two antagonists, the
Putrid Swamp Boozzhounds and the Mad Howlers clashed on the
pitch Monday night. The Hounds had the advantage of a season worth of
experience under their belts, and despite the strength of the up and coming
Howlers, that experience told on the pitch to give the victory narrowly to
the Boozzhounds. The Hounds gained the upper hand quickly, receiving the 1st
half kick and driving forward, inflicting an early injury on the Howlers
with blitzer Skullcrakk dragging himself off the pitch with broken ribs. The
Howlers contested the Hounds advance every step of the way, but ultimately
could not prevent HyneyKen from getting clear and receiving a hand off to
run into the end zone, giving the Hounds a 1-0 lead. With the touchdown, the
barely restrained crowd of 41,000 went wild, supporters of each team
clashing with one another, sparking a tremendous fungus-beer fuelled riot
which delayed the next kick until there was merely 30 seconds on the clock
remaining in the first half. At the start of the second half, the Howlers
tried to make up for lost time, receiving the ball and smashing their way
forward, blitzer Krotchkik employing his patented crotch-kick to render
lineorc Lar Batt unfit to play the remainder of the match. Despite their
strong forward drive, a wild throw by thrower Blackheart put the ball in
jeopardy as it bounced loose at centerfield. The Hounds briefly took
possession after the ball bounced into the arms of blitzer Macallan, but
quickly he became the center of a huge scrum and was knocked the flat. The
Howlers regained control as blitzer Spleenlik managed to grab the wildly
bouncing ball at the edge of the melee, turning and dashing for the
unprotected Hounds end zone. Hounds blitzer Jimmy Beam made a supreme effort
and managed to catch Spleenlik, stripping the ball away form him, but it was
too little too late as Spleenlik hit back knocking his adversary to the
ground, and Blackheart gathered up the loose ball and sprinted into the end
zone to tie the score. The Howlers kicked off and executed a blitz, but
after Trollbreath took himself down trying to hit black orc Johny Blue, the
Hounds retook the initiative and drove forward with a vengeance. With
the time running out, thrower Shooter tried a long pass to lineorc Slee Mon
who was all by himself running for the end zone, but the ball went wild.
Fortunately, Howlers blitzer Throatrip, racing to intercept, stumbled and
fell before he could threaten the lone lineorc, and Slee Mon was able to
retreive the ball from where it lay, sprinting in to score the winning
touchdown. With another good round of punching each other at the line of
scrimmage, the final whistle blew on a 2-1 Hounds victory. |
|
C |
Live Fast: Dervishes 2 Zone 0
The much anticipated 1st round matchup for the
Hoarey Dervishes finally got played late on Monday night against the
Dead Zone. The Halflings were eager to prove their mettle in league
play and they could not have done so better than with a resounding 2-0
victory over the feared Undead. The Undead faced serious manpower shortages
throughout the match, mummy Seka being knocked unconscious as the first
drive progressed. nevertheless the Zone, in possession of the ball, drove
deep into the Dervishes end until, within a dozen yards of the end zone,
ghoul Viper was tripped up by a halfling and went down stunned, losing the
ball. Control of the ball passed to the Dervises and halfling Lars gathered
up the ball and dashed up the field a fast as his little legs could carry
him, his teammates swarming around the Zone offensive line, preventing them
from taking effective action to bring down the plucky little ball carrier.
Ghoul Charger was carried off the pitch badly hurt after a solid block from
ogre Percy, and the Dervishes tragically suffered their first casualty as
skeleton Sigourney upended halfling Billy as he tried to dodge away, landing
on his head and breaking his neck... the team apothecary could do nothing
for the little guy. Two more Zone players ended up unconscious in the
dugout, followed by skeleton Kate, regenerating form a serious injury, and
wight Barry badly hurt and unable to continue play, reducing the Zone to
only four players on the pitch. As Lars finally got to the goal line with
seconds remaining in the half, he decided at the last moment to hand off to
his buddy halfling Dieter who had run into the end zone ahead of him, but
Dieter's little hand could not grasp the ball and it fell to the pitch, the
handoff incomplete, just as the halftime whistle blew. With the first half
scoreless, the Zone, with only eight players able to take the field against
the full Dervishes squad, kicked to the Dervishes. Dieter received the ball
and the halflings ran a running play, treeman Wesley spearheading a drive up
the flank, badly hurting skeleton Kate on the way. Dieter completed a pass
to halfling Flowers who ran to the end zone, handing it off back to Dieter
for the touchdown. The Zone, now only six, received the next kick and
started forward, mummy Seka taking a terrible swing at halfling Gino and
missing the ducking halfer, but the force of the missed blow caused Seka to
lose his balance, falling forward like a knotted pine, crushing Gino like a
bug underneath... again there was nothing the apothecaries could do, and
Gino's remains were carted off the pitch. The Dervishes took advantage of
the confusion to knock wight Snow to the ground, halfling Sven bravely
volunteering to be thrown by Wesley to get him within range to steal the
ball. Now in possession, the halflings advanced against their exhausted foe,
who made no further attempt to obstruct them, Sven scoring the second
Dervishes touchdown shortly before the final whistle. A tremendous showing
for the Dervishes, despite the tragic loss of two players, humbling one of
their most dangerous adversaries, and demonstrating that quantity has a
quality all it's own... |
9:00pm Monday, November 10th, 2003 | |
Beer on the Pitch: Drakkar 3
Blighters 2 |
|
A |
A tense and well fought game before 52 000 fans
between the Blue Blighters and the Blood Drakkar took place
Sunday night in the stinking sewer stadium that the Blighters call home.
After "winning" the coin toss the Blighters received the ball and made a
decisive scurry down the wide zone. However the slight rats couldn't make as
much headways as they would like due to poor blocking against the burly
Norsemen. The Drakkar surrounded the Skaven cage and tried to block the path
of the wily gutter runner Snukkit. The Blighter's rat ogre Mittens drove a
mighty fist deep onto the gut of psychotic Darrkar Blitzer Bjorn
Cinamatograf who was taken off winded for the rest of the game. Linerat
Skrichitt blitzed a hole open for Snukkit along the sideline and the speedy
rat legged it to the end zone with a quick touchdown. |
8:30pm Monday, November 10th, 2003 | |
All Play and No Work: Sunday Nov. 9th |
|
A |
All Tied Up and Nowhere to Go: Paladins 2 Flesh 2
The Avelorn Paladins took to the pitch
against the Spike! champions the Creeping Flesh Sunday evening
in front of a huge crowd of 83,000. The Flesh were fresh from their
tragic first round match were fielding a rookie mummy Stiff; the Paladins
had had a similarly unfortunate first round game, losing their newest
line-elf Bolgar the Hunter, the 2nd Paladins line-elf to die in as many
games... for this match they had hired replacement line-elf The Replacement.
The Flesh received first and immediately started having problems with ball
handling, the teams two ghouls fumbling the ball between them. Getting the
ball under control, ghoul Disturbed moved the ball up to the line of
scrimmage with his teammates providing protection, insufficient as it turned
out, as the Paladins dodged around the back of the Flesh formation and
blitzed the ball carrier, stunning him and knocking the ball loose. The two
teams struggled to recover the ball at the line of scrimmage, pushing this
way and that, neither side able to get their hands on it until finally the
Paladins popped it loose and dragon warrior Silent Service grabbed it up and
dashed for the end zone, scoring the first Paladins touchdown. The next kick
came with minutes left on the clock, the Flesh receiving but again
demonstrating their ball-handling difficulties as Disturbed threw a wild
pass up field, allowing the Paladins to recover the ball and mount a drive
of their own, which came within a hair's breadth of generating a scoring
play before the halftime whistle blew. Receiving in the second, the Paladins
pulled off a very complex passing play, lion warrior Greyeagle receiving the
ball and racing into the Flesh end zone to bring the score to 2-0. Playing
severe catch-up, the Flesh took to the offensive on the next drive, breaking
Disturbed out of the cage early to run along the sideline where he
successfully fended off dragon warrior Copy Fish, wight Slacker blitzing a
path for him to run in and put the Flesh on the scoreboard. With two
Paladins out with injuries, the Elves took the field shorthanded with the
intent of putting the game out of reach for the Flesh, but their drive was
smothered by the Flesh defence, losing control of the ball, which eventually
bounced into the arms of wight Scurvy. After Scurvy kept his feet
despite the best efforts of the Paladins, he extracted himself from the
melee and raced up the wide zone to fire off a pass to ghoul deranged which
went wild... the Paladins recovered the ball but line-elf the Farzan dropped
the pass from Alex Hapsburg and the Flesh put in a last burst of energy as
the time ticked away, knocking interfering Paladins out of the way to
recover the ball and relaying it up the wide zone to Deranged, who made up
for all previous ball-handling errors by successfully receiving the ball and
running into the Paladins end zone to tie the game at 2-2. An amazing
comeback for the Flesh and a bitter pill for the Paladins to swallow, the
light casualties little consolation.. |
B |
Slaughter of the Innocents: Flamboyants 4 Bloods 0
A large turnout of 61,000 fans was on hand to
witness the up and coming Rongeurs Flamboyants sweep to 4-0 victory
over the equally promising Banner Guard Bloods. Tragically the first
3/4s of the Cabalvision replay were spoiled after the reel was accidentally
dropped in a Skaven cesspool [Ed: and was recovered by a brave intern who
was subsequently overcome by fumes and passed away after extracting the
damaged crystal]. The Bloods had a rough time of it, no doubt about it,
the team apothecary simply could not keep up with the flood of casualties
that came off the field from the middle of the first half onwards, with
dragon warrior coming off with a pinched nerve first, soon followed line-elf
Blucher with a damaged back, and then finally and most tragically, line-elf
Murat was carried off after being subjected to the frenzied attack of rat
ogre GrrRaaaT, and succumbed to his wounds soon after. The Flamboyants
were the dominating force on the pitch, keeping the Bloods continually off
balance with blitzes and perfect defences and taking advantage of every
error to score repeatedly. By the final scoring drive, the Bloods had
been reduced to eight effectives, further reduced to six as line-elf Rommel
was knocked out cold and lion warrior Charles went down badly hurt trying to
evade GrrRaaaT. The remainder of the team was prone or stunned and
surrounded, and able to provide no resistance as gutter runner Dilate La
Rate picked up the loose ball and ran into the end zone to complete a
personal hat trick. A tough lesson in pain for the Bloods and a feather in
the festering cap of the Flamboyants, especially sweet as the victory netted
them a full 100k in profit from ticket and merchandise sales along with a
flood of endorsement contracts... |
C |
Dodging Centaurs: Desir 4 Shorty 0
The Dark Elf Noir Desir hosted their
ancient rival Chaos Dwarf team Get Shorty, defeating them in a 4-0
shut out. The Shorties demonstrated some lack of cohesion compared to their
better drilled Elven counterparts, indicating that the fledgling team has
not yet found it's feet. The Shorty received first but quickly lost control
as the Desir defensive line managed to trip up bull centaur Fritz as he
tried to dodge past, allowing witch elf Angela Del Meurta to run in for the
first touchdown at the middle of the half, well protected by her teammates.
On the next drive, bull centaur Gritz lost his footing after a block and
went down before his team could get a good handle on the ball, and
subsequently Fritz was knocked bodily into the stands by onrushing Desir,
where he was quite badly handled by the crowd. Angela having again
stolen the ball, Gritz turned on prone line-elf Bel Zebuth in frustration,
attempting to trample him where he lay, but the ref interceded before
serious damage could be inflicted, and Gritz was ejected from the game.
Now at a serious disadvantage and fielding only eight players, the Shorty
could not prevent Angela from scoring again in the 1st before the halftime
whistle. The second half did not bring an improvement as the Desir quick
snapped and in the ensuing drive the Shorty were further reduced in strength
as hobgoblin Tog was carried off badly hurt and the Desir swept aside the
Shorty defence, line-elf Ma Lhin scoring the 3rd touchdown early in the
half. Receiving, the embattled Shorty seemed to be having more and
more difficulty, as hobgoblin Pog ran to the sideline and attempted to pass
to a chaos dwarf blocker struggling on the line of srimmage with Desir
line-elves. The pass predictably bounced off the back of his helmet
and in the ensuing confusion the derive completely dissolved, chaos dwarves
Vinnie and Zvektor being knocked out by the Desir counter-attack and witch
elf Claudia Demonia stealing the ball. Pog bravely rushed Claudia and
knocked her over temporarily but the respite was brief, blitzer Vlad El
Negro taking up the ball and racing deep into Shorty territory with it,
scoring the fourth Desir touchdown. The Desir almost scored a fifth
touchdown in the closing minutes of the game, but Angela tripped on a blade
of grass as she rushed into the Shorty end zone with seconds on the clock,
and so the game ended a 4-0 Desir win. |
Death Becomes Them: Cadavers 4 Spermosaurs 1
The Nipply Cadavers scored their first
league victory facing off against the Spermosaurs last night. The 4-1
victory was a great boost to the morale of the Undead team, as anyone
familiar with their lineage would know. The injury plagued and short-handed Spermosaurs had difficulties right form the start as the receiving Cadavers
managed to break through their defence, ghould Chelips "Fresh Fresh" Spurty
gathering up the ball after some mishaps to run in to score at the middle of
the half. Things went from bad to worse as Cadavers fans (many of them
ex-Warthog fans) invaded the Spermosaurs' pitch in jubilation, badly hurting
line-elf Ashbit and knocking out line-elf Nagiox who joined witch elf
GrandPa Smurf (knocked out in a close encounter with a mummy in the previous
drive) in the dugout. The six remaining 'Saurs made the best of it, but the
Cadavers shortly covered them like a disgusting undead meat blanket, and
after line-elf Pusher tried and failed a desperate pass out of the morass, Chewlips again recovered the ball and ran in for the second touchdown.
Fielding 7 at the start of the 2nd half, the Spermosaurs demonstrated they
weren't finished yet, pulling off a quick snap and getting the ball to GrandPa Smurf (who had recovered during halftime) who blitzed up the wide
zone, her long legs carrying her into the Cadavers end zone before the
Undead could catch her, bringing the score to 2-1. Still outnumbered,
however, the Spermosaurs could not hold back the Cadavers onslaught, and
once again Chewlips raced with the ball into the Spermosaurs' end zone
leaving beaten and battered dark elves in his wake, scoring yet another
touchdown. Receiving, the Spermosaurs showed inevitable signs of exhaustion,
losing the ball to the Cadaver onslaught, Chewlips again coming through for
the score, his fourth in one match. As the two teams setup for the
last drive, with only minutes left in the game, a group of dedicated
Cadavers fans invaded the pitch, seemingly intent on maintaining the 3 point
spread, knocking out line-elf IosII and stunning Pid... but there was not
enough time left anyway, and with a few more desultory blows traded, the
game ground to a halt with the final whistle. Although they were
beaten 4-1, the Spermosaurs managed to avoid any serious casualties and,
drawing good profit form the gate, look to be back at full strength for
their next match. |
|
1:00pm Monday, November 10th, 2003 | |
Incriminating Video: Dicers 1
Videos 1 |
|
B |
On a beautiful
Sunday morning in Wok Stadium, 58000 cheering fans came to see the
Slicers and Bad Dicers match up against the Straight to Videos.
Morning pains were felt on both sides though as 'Ses same chick w/
BrokOlOYee and 'Are you sure it was a book?' are left in the dugout boxes
experiencing recurrent pains from past injuries. 'Not so tiny Tim' treeman
of the Videos hadn't anticipated such an early match and slept through the
whole first half. Winning the coin toss, the Videos opted to receive the first kickoff. The Dicers set up in a multilayered defense pattern to limit the speedy little elves, with 'Hot & Spicy slut' going to her position seemingly hyperactive. With wardancer, 'These go to Eleven' refusing to get onto the pitch (threat letters were later confirmed) the hired assassin, not seeing his intended target on the field, simply sniped out lineman 'If you value your life, be somewhere else' with a rock, but only managed to knock him out. The Videos, down one man, performed a runthrough on both sidelines in an attempt to split up the Dicers, but they in turn reacted by sending Lychme Nuts frenzying into wardancer 'Run Forest run...' and knocking him into the numerous orc fans. 'Run forest run' was helped out by fellow fans but not before receiving a serious concussion to the head. The Videos retaliated by bringing 'I love it when a plan comes together' to the end zone and protecting the ball carrying lineman, 'Royale with cheese' only to have 'Are you talking to me' triped up the onrushing Black Orc Blockers. 'Hot & Spicy slut' and 'Jumbo Shrimp' took the opportunity to rush 'I love it when a plan comes together' and knock him into the crowd who managed to be retrieved back to the dugout knocked out. Once more, 'Are you talking to me' attempted to move out of the way of 'Shaghigh Beef' only to be tripped up once more, and giving the Dicers the chance to knock 'They're here...' into the crowd. Luckily, he managed get to the dugout intact. In an effort to contain their shrinking numbers, the Videos attempted to dodge out of tackles and protect the ball at all costs while still successfully passing the scrimmage line. But the cost became too heavy as 'Pretty fucking good milkshake' was badly hurt, 'Go ahead make my day' received a serious concussion' and 'These are not the droids you are looking for' getting knocked out. With only 4 players left on the pitch, the Videos were unable to stop Young Shrimp from spiking the ball making it 1-0 for the Dicers. In the last remaining seconds of the first half, the Dicers kicked to the Videos who simply ran back defensively while the orcs stayed in their positions picking their noses to have at least a few buggers to pick. On the second drive, Dicers received the kick quickly knocking out 'If you value your life be somewhere else' and 'Are you talking to me', but as the Dicers moved up too much, 'These go to Eleven' and 'I love it when a plan comes together' run around by the sidelines to stun the ball carrying 'Hot & Spicy' . Luckily for the Dicers, the ball flew out of her grasp to be caught by Black Orc 'Dim sum lights' who lumbered upfield too slowly. 'I love it when a plan comes together' blitzed him by the back with 'Laugh it up fuzzball' and 'They're here' as support, who ended up with the ball. 'Theyre here', brushing off a blitz from Black Orc 'Shaghigh beef' made a flawless reverse play and sped down the field passing the ball to 'I love it when a plan comes together' who had ran to the other side of the scrimmage line, shrugged off a blitz by 'Hot & Spicy slut' and ran down to the end zone tying the game 1-1. Half of the second drive remaining, the Dicers prepared to receive the kick, but the outnumbered Video fans retaliated with a slew of rocks knocking out 'Shaghigh beef' and stunning 4 other Dicers! Outnumbered 6 to 9, the Dicers huddled around 'Young Shrimp' who had picked up the ball, sending her brother 'Chew mein Shrimp' downfield to receive the pass, but once more, 'I love it when a plan comes together' blitzed 'Young Shrimp' with the help of wardancer 'These go to Eleven' letting the ball bounce amid a general melee. In a ditch effort to get the ball and pass it upfield to 'Chew Mein Shrimp', 'Muschi w/ Crabs' surprisingly dodged amid a flurry of elves made worse by 'Wanton slut'. Yet she fell down in a heap right after knocking the ball into 'Crushew Nuts' hands who ran up but failed to pass to 'Chew Mein Shrimp' foiling last minute plans. The Videos attempt to recuperate the ball but fail to do so before the final whistle blew over the loud cheering of fans, who so loved to have such an active participation in the game. Both teams will surly attract bigger crowds in later games... |
12:30pm Monday, November 10th, 2003 | |
Read All About It: BloodSports Illustrated Issue 2 Up! |
|
Bloodsports Illustrated
Issue 2 containing a weekly recap, highlights, and predictions has been
posted
here.
Read it! Love it! Lick it! |