Brown Shoes Don't Cut It: Surly 2 Divas 1
The quarter final round of the Soapy Cup playoffs closed out on Saturday afternoon as the closely matched Short & Surly and Lustria Divas took to the pitch. The two teams, tied in points and wins at the end of the regular season, promised one of the tightest competitions of the year and they did not disappoint. The Surly kicked off first to the Divas, who executed a quick snap, handing off to catcher Dawn who raced up the wide zone, cleared by the Divas heavily weighted offence. Dawn side-stepped a tackle by the last line of defence, hobgoblin Shitless, then knocking him to the ground and speeding past him to score, only a few minutes into the match. The ease of the touchdown belied the struggle that was to come, as the Divas kicked and the Surly commenced their counterattack, driving into the Divas line, chaos dwarf Gloin Goldfillingseeker inflicting the first of several casualties by knocking linewoman Elle to the ground and crushing her hand under his boot, putting her out for the duration. The Surly caged solidly around hobgoblin Fucker who had picked up the ball, and another Diva, Xena 2.0, was removed from the play by hobgoblin Dipshit who kicked her in the head, knocking her unconscious as she lay stunned after the initial Surly assault. The Surly drove slowly forward as the Divas strove to throw together an effective defence, Dipshit continuing his fouling spree by kicking linewoman Sable 2.0 in the ribs, leaving her in such pain that she could not longer play. The Divas reponded by sneaking around the Surly line and hitting Fucker from behind, knocking him unconscious, but did not have time to exploit their success as the Surly turned on them quickly, knoking them flat, bull centaur Doom Charger amazingly managing to pick up the loose ball. Minotaur Agamemnon the Horny charged forward in a frenzy, pushing back and knocking out blitzer China 2.0, and Dipshit fouled once more, stomping on catcher Daniella's head, knocking her out too, but finally the ref caught him out and both he and the strenuously objecting Coach Funky Fleetfoot were ejected from the match. The Divas did their best to smother the Surly advance, with the clock slowly running out, but suffered more losses as Agamemnon trampled linewoman Torrie Wilson, putting her out of the game badly hurt. After blitzer Victoria 3.0 was knocked into the crowd (fortunately reahcing the dugout safely), the Divas only had four players left to oppose the Surly, and Doom Charger was able to take advantage of the now-non-existant defence to sprint into the Divas end zone and tie the game up 1-1 with only minutes remaining before halftime. The Surly kicked to the Divas in the closing minutes and the two teams clashed at the line of scrimmage, Assmonkey taking up the fouling torch by body slamming the prone lineowman Terry, badly hurting her, and escaping the ref's notice.
Setting up in the second, the Divas managed to just barely field 11 players, but the fans were on their side, stunning chaos dwarf Thorin Redbeard with a flung rock, just as the Divas kicked to their opponents. The Surly were still determined to pursue their successful strategy of beating the living tar out of the Divas, and immeditaely implemented it, charging into the Divas ranks, with chaos dwarf Caleb Crotchmangler knocking linewoman Cindy 2.0 out cold. The Surly assault continued with relenting as hobgoblin Shitless raced up the wide zone with the ball escorted by bull centaur Hoofgrinder. the Divas immediately tried to squelch the drive, but Shitless dodged nimbly away from the looming Divas and sprinted in to score the winning touchdown. The Divas received and pushed back with a solid drive up the flank, thrower Stacey passing the ball accurately to catcher Dawn who was well screened by her teammates. As Agamemnon ripped through that screen like tissue paper, Dawn tried to dodge away from the rampaging minotaur, but tripped up, losing the ball. The Surly converged on the action like sharks scenting fresh blood, and a melee broke out for possession of the ball, until Shitless got his hands on it, but he too tripped trying to dodge, landing so hard he stunned himself. The Divas simply did not have the power to combat the beefy Chaos Dwarvs hand to hand, and, as the clock ran down a one-sided battle raged ending with 75% of the Divas on their backs and the ball moved finally out of reach by Shitless, the final whistle ending a very tense game, a 2-1 Surly victory.
The Short & Surly proceed to battle the
Soapy Cup favorites, the Blargburg Bluebutts in the semi-final round.
The Count Counts Coup: Crusaders 2 Steins 0
The last quarter final match of the DragonBowl playoff took place last Tuesday night between the undefeated Crypt Crusaders and the Frothy Steins, drawing 61,000 excited and restless fans, many coming from far and wide to watch as both contenders harnessed star power in the form of Count Luthor von Drakenborg the infamous Vampire for the Crusaders, and stalwart Dwarven hero Grim Ironjaw for the Steins. With the confident Crusaders setting up only 10 players for the first kick, the Steins received the ball just as the reason for the Crusaders confidence was revealed... on a pre-arranged signal, a flood of Crusaders fans invaded the pitch, disrupting the Steins offence and knocking star runner HarryPalms and veteran troll slayer Booglie unconscious before being beaten off the field. The manpower situation thus reversed, the Steins nevertheless drove forward while runner Bumpy retrieved the ball which had been kicked all the way into the Steins' end zone. The Steins succeeded in knocking over both mummies on the line of scrimmage, as well as putting zombie Kad Aver out of the game with smashed ribs. Bumpy ran forward with the ball and passed it off to blitzer Numskul, whom the Steins proceeded to cage around. Bhandayd lumbered in to sweep aside the blocking Steins players, allowing the count to glide forward and affix Numskull with his hypnotic gaze, putting the Dwarf into a trance before his teammates came up and pushed the Vampire back... the Steins cage irretreivably broken, the Crusaders continued to strike hard, wight D. Stroy hitting the still-dazed Numskull from behind, stripping the ball out his arms and sending it rolling away on the pitch, where it was retrieved by wight Decom Poze. Decom Poze ran the reverse play, and efficiently screened by his teammates, sprinted into the end zone to score the first touchdown. With a quarter of the half to go, the Steins received but with little hope of scoring, Bumpy retrieving the ball and passing up to the recovered HarryPalms. Once again Count von Drakenborg swept in to hypnotize troll slayer Ooglie who was guarding Harry, and the Crusaders again put the ball under threat as Harry was pushed about by wight Dee Khay. Recovering from his trance, Ooglie laid into Dee Khay, stunning him, and the Steins offence opened up the wide zone to let Harry run forward... Harry tried to sneak by ghoul Boo Gheeman on the sideline but was tripped up, shattering the Steins hope to tie the game before halftime as the whistle blew shortly therafter.
The Steins set up a deep defence and kicked, executing a surprise blitz (a surprise even to them it seemed), ogre Bloodmember delivering a terrific punch to zombie Werm Fude that took him out of the game with a serious concussion. The Steins did their best to challenge the Crusaders possession, with HarryPalms blitzing Count von Drakenborg only to wind up in a hypnotic daze, bypassed by ball-carrier Decom Poze who sprinted along the wide zone deep into the Steins half, screened by his teammates, evading the last ditch attacks of the Steins to sprint in and score the second Crusaders touchdown just before the 2nd half halfway mark. With Bloodmember rendered unconscious in the last play, the Steins received again, caging deep in their own half around HarryPalms, but not well enough to prevent the count from sweeping in again to challenge the ball-carrier, Harry this time resisting the effects of the Count's haunting gaze. The Count resorted to more conventional techniques, striking Harry to the ground and knocking the ball loose, it being grabbed fortunately by nearby longbeard Sturm. Booglie charged in to hit the Vampire form behind as he was engaged trying to fight off three other Steins, finally eliminating him as a factor in the play by knocking him unconscious. With the time slowly running out, Sturm handed the ball back to HarryPalms who kept his feet despite being beset by the Undead, dodging away and sprinting up the field into the clear, only to trip over a limb that had fallen off one of the opposing zombies and going down in a heap. Nearby Crusaders surrounded him and proceeded to foul him mercilessly, rendering him unconscious, and after a final flurry of violence, the final whistle blew on a 2-0 Crusaders victory, a victory that must surely, in part, be credited to the magnificent and terrible Count Luthor von Drakenborg...
The Crypt Crusaders advance to the semi-final
round of DragonBowl playoffs to face the Blistering Barnacles, the
winner of that match going on to face the Brimstone Bonestealers in
the final fight for the DragonBowl!
JavaBowl 6.6d Released!
JavaBowl 6.6d has been released, adding some
useful functionality. You
can get it in the
downloads section. Everybody use it! Hopefully it'll fix some of the save game
weirdness we have had.
More New Teams: League Now at 31 Teams, 32nd Sought
The Rongeurs Flamboyants, a Skaven team coached by the shrewd Phil Vermine, and Get Shorty, a pugnacious Chaos Dwarf team coached by the sublime Doc Hott have been added to the roster of teams for next season, and have already joined in the exhibition match fun.
Now standing at 31 teams in the league...
looking for that 32nd for the sweet spot... c'mon, number 32, you know you
are out there!!
Death and Butterfingers: Bluebutts 1 Babes 0
Chaos infused the quarter-final Soapy Cup playoff match between the Blargburg Bluebutts and the Horny Babes, played in front of 62,000 fans who were out for blood last Monday night, and they were not disappointed! The action started off fast and furious as the Babes received the first kickoff from the Bluebutts, charging immediately into close combat with the Dark Elves, knocking their front line flat. Always a crowd-pleaser, the ever popular chaos warrior Poison Ivy played up to the frothing crowd by charging past the prone line-elves of the Bluebutts to tackle witch elf Sum Dum Bitch full on, viciously gouging her eye and sending her off the field in agony [Ed: Gouged eye... typical cat-fight injury!]. Almost as an afterthought, nimble chaos warrior Bloody Bombshell gathered up the ball and moved slowly up the field, while Bluebutts pured around the edges of the Babes' front line and raced towards her. Undeterred, Bloody Bombshell moved up, fending off the frenzied attacks of witch elf Sum Dizzy Bitch, pushing past her to reach the line of scrimmage... but Sum Dizzy was not so easily put off and while line-elf Tosser distracted Bloody Bombshell, Sum Dizzy blindsided her, stunning her and grabbing the ball away. As the babes continued to lay into her teammates with gusto, Sum Dizzy ran forward to hauled back to fling the ball to blitzer Fat Ass who had broken loose and sprinted into the Babes end zone, but she lost her grip on the ball and fumbled it, and after being pushed away, chaos warrior Racy Bitz stepped in to retrieve it, only to be knocked flat by blitzer Dumb Ass racing in from midfield. After considerable wrestling, the Bluebutts managed to retrieve the ball, line-elf Loser running to the end zone and attempting to hand-off to Dumb Ass who had run in ahead of him, but Dumb Ass's hands were slippery with sweat from wrestling the Babes (probably having a secret fetish for Chaos Beastchicks) and the ball slipped form his hands and bounced away. Blitzer Kissmy Ass next came running in to retreive the loose ball in the end zone, but he accidentally tipped it with his boot, sending it spinning away from his desperate fingers... next came beastwoman Fleshmistress, charging in to utterly fail to pick up the ball, like Dumb Ass and Kissmy Ass before him, and again the ball bounced teasingly away along the goal line. Sum Dizzy came rushing up to smack Fleshmistress to the ground, stunned, and with mere seconds left in the half, Kissmy Ass ran to the ball and... tipped it away again, the time into the crowd where it sailed back in waaaay over his head and landed at center field! So concluded a comedy of errors that left the first half scoreless.
Kicking in the second half, the Babes blitzed
their opponents, considerably disrupting the Bluebutts drive, but the Dark
Elves managed to retain possession and after a short fight at center field
(Sum Dizzy Bitch fighting a losing battle against two beastwomen in the
Babes' wide zone) drove up the center as thrower Shit Head dashed up the
wide zone and threw a good pass to Dumb Ass, who shrugged off the attempts
of the Babes to bring him down, dodging away to score the only touchdown,
bringing the score to 1-0. The score was not without it's tragic side, as
just before the play was completed, minotaur Gora the Impaler, drove her
horns full into veteran line-elf Asshat, tossing him into the air like a
ragdoll. When he landed, he was quite dead, and the crowd went wild...
The Bluebutts kicked off with mixed feelings, their dread deepening as the
Babes resumed the assault on their fragile personages, badly hurting
line-elf Brad, and Sum Dizzy Bitch knocking herself out cold trying to
attack the heavily armored Sally Splugorth, line-elf Loser suffering the
same fate at the hands of the rampaging Gora. Bloody Bombshell retrieved the
ball and behind a heavy cage, trudged toward the line of scrimmage, but did
not even have time to get that far, the clock finally running down on
regulation play as Gora the Impaler went down under a heap of vengeful
Bluebutts, suffering a nasty pinched nerve. The final whistle blew on
a 1-0 Bluebutts victory, paving their way to face the winner of Short &
Surly vs Lustria Divas. and eliminating the Babes from Soapy Cup
contention.
The Inevitability of Death:
Bonestealers 2 Hunt 0
Nygrell Grimskull, Coach, Brimstone
Bonestealers
In a slow-paced game (at least on the pitch -
the playing time was 1h29) the Brimstone Bonestealers shut down the
Wild Hunt's playoff hopes with a 2-0 win in the DragonBowl
quarter-final, with both TD's coming at the very end of the halves. While
the Wild Hunt had hired Star Player Deeproot Strongbranch, a Treeman
Blocker. Additionally, the Wild Hunt had been posting flyers in Old
Necromantese with the wrong game time (even Coach Nygrell was almost
fooled!), resulting in half of the usual horde of Bonestealers' fans missing
the game! As if that wasn't enough, the referees apparently had been tipped
off (falsely, of course!) that the Undead team would be sneaking illegal
weapons onto the pitch, with the result that the referees watched the Bonestealers' players like a hawk the whole game, preventing any fouling
(not that they would, of course!).
As it turns out, the extra beef wasn't able to bring home the bacon for the
Wild Hunt. The received first, faked one way and ran the other to create a
wide zone wall behind which their ball carrier did his thing, while Star
Treeman Deeproot single-handedly tied up 4 Bonestealers players, including
both Mummies, on the scrimmage line. However, the wall was thin, and the
Bonestealers had enough defence in depth to break through and knock the ball
loose. The ball flew into the crowd, and was tossed back mid-field behind
the Bonestealers' line. The Bonestealer recovery was foiled, though, as
their attempt to grab the ball fumbled and left it there, albeit well
guarded. Nevertheless, wily wardancer Wychwethyl dodged, parried, and spun
in to grab the ball and dash off towards the Bonestealer end zone. While the
Bonestealers' ghouls and wights were all over him, they could only push him
around, and he dodged away again to come within a few yards of the touchdown
line. The persistent rear guard managed to knock him down finally, though,
and the Bonestealers took possession of the ball midway through the first
half on the edge of their endzone.
The Bonestealers never looked back, bringing the ball clear across the pitch
to score at the end of the first half. Receiving the ball again at the start
of the second half, the Bonestealers retrieved the ball from the empty wing
of the pitch to form up behind their Mummy-reinforced front line (who had
quickly -- and fortunately -- badly hurt late-arriving Wild Hunt treeman
Fangorn off the reception) for a long, slow cage crawl up the pitch against
ever-dwindling numbers of Wood Elves to score at the end of regulation time.
The 2-0 Bonestealers victory means they will
face the Rats de la Boule in the DragonBowl semi-final.
Undead Upset Lizards: Flesh 3 Smashers 2, OT
The Creeping Flesh took the field against the heavily favoured Drakehead Smashers in the Spike! Magazine playoff semi-finals Monday night. The Flesh received the kickoff and the two teams crashed together, mummy vs saurus on the line of scrimmage. The Flesh tried to take advantage of a hole opened up in the Smashers defences by ghoul Disturbed passing the ball up to ghoul Deranged but the ball went wide of the mark, and Smashers skink Godzouky picked it up, handing off to skink Godspeed, who in the blink of an eye had sprinted to within a dozen yards of the Flesh end zone. Ghoul Disturbed atoned for his passing error, however, and made an incredible sprint, dodging away from encroaching Smashers, to catch Godspeed, hitting him hard from behind and stunning him. The ball flew out of Gobspeed's grasp and into the crowd, where some Flesh fan threw it back in at the line of scrimmage. The Smashers reacted quickly however, and skink Goddamn recovered the ball, moving it up the field against stiff Flesh resistance, until finally Goddamn saw an opening and sprinted for it, scoring a touchdown to make it 1-0. Receiving again the Flesh drove back, breaking open the wide zone and pushing forward strongly, but ball carrier Deranged got a little ahead of his escort and was blitzed down by Godbless (remarkably strong for such a little guy), who stole the ball and faded back. The Flesh surged forward to surround Godbless, and after saurus Hector missed a block against Disturbed, Godbless went down, knocked unconscious by the advancing mob of Undead. With no opposition before him, Disturbed grabbed up the ball and ran it in to the Smashers end zone with 30 seconds left on the clock to tie the game at 1-1. The two teams set up for the formality of the kick, and the whistle blew ending the first half.
The Smashers received in the second half, and drove forward against an unorthodox Flesh defence. Godbless carrioed the ball up the wide zone, but miscalulated how much room he had and wound up being tripped by wight Riddled as he attempted to run for the end zone, going down hard and stunning himself. Riddled then stepped up to nearby Godzouky and knocked him out with a solid blow to the cranium, as Deranged ran up to grab the ball. Once again at the line of scrimmage the two teams duked it out, until Disturbed made a break fro it after saurus Godzilla was carried off badly hurt from a block by wight Scurvey. Disturbed dodged nimbly out of the melee only to trip over his own feet as he sprinted forward, falling down and dropping the ball. Godspeed zipped over and picked up the loose ball but got blindsided by wight Scurvey, who hit him with a blitz that left the skink stunned. Deranged got up and recovered the ball but he too was knocked prone by a blitz from Godbless, the ball once again rolling away loose on the pitch. Not to be dissuaded, Deranged got to his feet and shoved skink Goddamn to the ground, grabbed the ball, and sprinted into the Smashers end zone to score, giving the Flesh a 2-1 lead shortly after the middle of the half. The Smashers received the next kick, and, despite Godzouky being stunned by a rock flung by Flesh supporters, managed to chain a hand off from Godspeed to Godbless who sprinted in to score the tying touchdown. With time running out, the Flesh received to face a perfect Smashers defence, which effectively shut down any last ditch Flesh attempt to score, and with the final whistle of regulation time, the two teams prepared for overtime.
The Flesh lost the toss and kicked to their cold-blooded opponents, now short handed after Godzouky got badly hurt in the last play of regulation time. The Smashers made a strong push up the wide zone, but the Flesh countered with a solid defence and an extended melee broke out just inside the line of scrimmage. Finally mummy Plank threw a heavy block at ball carrier Godbless, knocking him flat, the ball boucing back into Plank's surprised arms. Buffeted form all sides, Plank was then stunned by saurus Godisdead who blitzed him after blocks by kroxigor Mecha-Godzilla and saurus Godflesh had proved fruitless. The ball bounced back into the hands of Godbless who had gotten to his feet. Godbless hadnt had time to move an inch before he was bltzed flat by Riddled who ran deep into the Smashers backfield with none to oppose him, scoring in the closing minutes of overtime. Riding the wave of victory, the FLesh blitzed the Smashers offence on their kick, destroying any hopes the Smashers had of tying the game up, and so ended a 3-2 Flesh overtime upset victory.
The Flesh go on to face the Blue Blighters
in the Spike! Magazine final, and the disappointed Smashers get an
early vacation to rest and refit before the next season.
Blood Boule: Rats 2 Drakkar 1
Monday night bloodbowl was action packed as a second quarter-final game played out between the Rats de la Boule and the Blood Drakkar, both teams strong contenders despite casualty problems in the closing part of the season. The Rats stopped the first Drakkar drive cold as storm vermin Mustapha El Rata stripped the ball off catcher Odin Bellegaf after the two teams clashed at the line of scrimmage. Gutter runner Mulot Ratatoin recovered the ball, only to lose it again after getting knocked over by thrower Heidrun Vraimentpaf, regaining it again after Heidrun was pushed away by Mustapaha. Mulot subsequently sprinted past confused ogre Grossebouf at midfield and thence deep into Drakkar territory where he sat on the goal line running down the clock as the two teams fought it out at midfield, linerat Ebola Zemice and blitzer Knut Polygraf both being badly hurt in the brawl which ended with only five drakkar players left standing when Mulot finally crossed into the end zone to score. With mere minutes left in the half, the two teams clashed again on the line of scrimmage as the ball was kicked to the Drakkar... rat ogre Tasstoi Dla plowed into the Drakkar ranks and overran Heidrun Vraimentpaf fracturing his arm. The rumble continued until the halftime whistle put a stop to play and both teams filed off the field.
Receiving in the 2nd half, the Rats conducted a strong drive up the wide zone led by the rampaging Tasstoi Dla, Mulot Ratatoin receiving the hand-off to sprint along the sideline, to loiter again at the goal line. The Drakkar were out for vengeance for their painful first half, as lineman Mats Lagaf hit linerat Toufik with a tremendous kidney punch, doing such severe internal damage that Toufik died shortly afterwards in the dugout. Seconds later, veteran gutter runner Hab il Dlabal was knocked out cold by blitzer Geirroed Epitaf, and catcher Odin Bellegaf threw an unsportsmanlike low punch at Passla Bouboule, dropping him, writhing in agony, to the ground where he had to be carried off with a severe groin injury. With the attrition climbing unacceptably quickly, coach Baboune gave the signal and Mulot stepped into the end zone to score and end the play. The Drakkar, now one man short, but clearly with plenty of fight left, received the next kick with almost 3/4 of the half remaining. The Norsemen drove forward violently, stunning most of the Rats front line and badly hurting linerat Scorbut, which opened up the wide zone for Odin Bellegaf to charge, unsupported, deep into the Rats backfield with the ball. With help from Mulot, Mustapha El Rata charged in for the safety and stripped the ball from Odin Bellegaf, who hit back, knocking Mustapha to the ground. Odin could not immediately retreive the ball however, and was subsequently pushed to the sideline as Mulot Ratatoin grabbed the loose ball and made off across the field with it. Mulot dashed to center field and handed off to Hab il Dlabal who raced into the Drakkar back field, but lineman Erik Bathyscaf caught up to him and hit him from behind, knocking him prone, Erik then getting the ball only to lose it again as Hab il Dlabal got up and blitzed him to the ground with the help of linerat Nasser, grabbed the ball once more, and sprinted for the end zone... but as he ran for it, legs pumping furiously, he had a sudden attack of vertigo and lost his footing, hitting the ground at such speed that he lost conciousness. With time running out Erik Bathyscaf attempted to pick up the ball from where is lay but his fingers, greasy from roast boar consumed at halftime, could not find purchase. Wiping them off, he finally managed to grab up the ball as the remaining seconds of the match ticked away, he ran forward and put the ball in the hand of Mats Lagaf who ran up as far as he could go and fired a perfect pass into the hands of Odin Bellegaf who was wide open in the Rats back field. Odin sprinted into the Rats end zone to score with less than 5 seconds left on the clock, bringing the final score to 2-1.
The Rats advance to the semi-final round to
face the winner of the Brimstone Bonestealers vs the Wild Hunt,
while the Drakkar go on vacation after a well fought match.
Wood Elves in the Crowd: Blighters
3 Videos 1
Plaguelord Puswort, Coach, Blue
Blighters
Another exciting match in the ever
unpredictable Spike! Invitational playoffs went down before 39,000 fans
Monday night. The speedy Blue Blighters faced off against the nigh
unstoppable passing of the Straight to Videos. The kickoff to the
Videos during a snow shower left the ball in an enviable position but seemed
ready to stymie the passing game of the elf team. True to form the Videos'
catcher "I love it when a plan comes together" smashed aside the Skaven
defence along the wide zone and sprinted deep into Blighter territory.
Blocking proved fruitful but caused no injuries and to rub in their superior
abilitites line-elf "They're Here..." danced around the Blighters storm
vermin slapping him playfully on the snout and skipped away nimbly into
another scoring position. The Blighters defence could only watch in
disbelief as both the Videos' catcher and line-elf effortlessly brushed
aside the defence and stood side by side in the endzone. After a deft
handoff, "Laugh it up Fuzzball" tossed an accurate pass through the snow
into "I love it"'s hands, scoring very early on in the first half.
Grumbling and muttering the Blighters got ready to receive but disaster
struck when team captain Snukkit failed to pick up the ball! Seizing the
moment, wardancer "These things go to eleven" jumped on the ball and made
for the end zone, followed closely by less swift teammates trying to provide
some kind of protection. Recovering quickly the Blighters caught up to the wardancer and lineman Skars stripped him of the ball which was picked up by
gutter runner Slipps who legged it forward. The Blighters were able to form
a decent cage and the spread out defence of the Videos were unable to stop
the long legged ratman who scored, but exacted revenge by seriously injuring
linerat Skunky and delivering a tremendous kick to the groin of the sadly
cup-less gutter runner Snukkit. The Videos suffered a minor setback after a
failed handoff but the Blighters were unable to actually get to the ball and
settled to try and slow the Wood Elf advance. The wardancer "Run, Forrest,
Run" trotted up the wide zone and caught a pass only to have the ball
stripped away again by Skars. Slipps picked up the bouncing ball and hid
behind some larger teammates and ran out the clock to the half.
The Blighters reception saw Rat Ogre Mittens open a hole in the lower wide
zone and the rats poured through it. The Videos tried to plug the hole with
their star wardancers but effective blocking (which KO'd a wardancer for the
rest of the game) eeked a hole in the defence through which Slipps saw
daylight and ran for it scoring in the opening seconds of the half. The
Videos now familiar maneuvering played out again with their catcher and wardancer traipsing by the ham-fisted Skaven defence. Even Mittens could not
stop them with his bulk and whipping tail. The Blighters seemed resigned to
see another touchdown when a wobbly pass by line-elf "Are you sure it was a
book", sailed into the crowd where the helpful Blighters fans tossed it at
their teams feet.
The Blighters gleefully grabbed the ball and more joyfully sent no less than
2 Wood-elves into the stands where they were roughed up by the estatic
Skaven fans. Mittens who otherwise seemed uninspired this game pummeled the
second wardancer taking him out with a sprained ankle. Unlucky Video
blocking let the Blighters cage around Slipps who managed to dodge away from
a vicious blitz and kept the ball. The Skaven then sent yet another elf to
sign some autographs in the stands (making in all 7 elves in the dugout)
allowing Slipps to score his third touchdown of the night making it the
first ever Blighter hat trick. With not enough time to score twice the
Videos decided to try and showboat for the crowd and secure some endorsement
deals. A comedy of errors unfolded with Mitten stunning himself, both teams
unable to complete a pass or even pick up the ball! The clock ran out seeing
the jubilant Blighters off to face the Creeping Flesh in the finals.
The Videos were not distraught as they look to be a contending team in the B
division.
JavaBowl 6.6c Released!
JavaBowl 6.6c has been released and it's hot
and chewy! You
can get it in the
downloads section. 6.6c is where it's at folks!
Some Newcomers... Lusty Ladies, Loud Short People, and More Undead!
A few new teams joined the league under the wire, as we welcome the Harem (Amazons coached by Cfoo), and the Screaming Midgets (Dwarves coached by EZ K. Yell). In addition, the Nipply Warthogs are now defunct after their latest defeat, having been slaughtered and turned into creatures of the night (who's story you believe on the HOW of it is up to you), and then reformed into an Undead team by the name of the Nipply Cadavers, coached by the now-Dreadlord Edwin Fairfax IX. More changes are afoot as the Paladins reformed their management, being renamed the Avelorn Paladins, now coached by Prince Tyrion. As rumoured we will not be seeing the Crypt Crusaders, the Blargburg Bluebutts, or the Rats de la Boule next season as all three teams' coaches have taken up jobs coaching rookie teams.
Amongst the newcomers we give a belated welcome the little guys, the Hoary Dervishes coached by Buttercup, stout Halflings one and all, and the Pick and Flicks, a Goblin team coached by that terror of the Bloodbowl pitch, Dragon. Good luck to you cute little buggers! Note to self: Start preparing an extension for the graveyard.
In all the league will consist of 29 teams: 2 Amazon, 3 Chaos, 1 Chaos Dwarf, 2 Dark Elf, 2 Dwarf, 1 Goblin, 1 Halfling, 2 High Elf, 2 Human, 2 Lizardmen, 1 Norse, 3 Orc, 2 Skaven, 3 Undead, and 2 Wood Elf... a nice distribution with all races represented, like all the colours of the rainbow... *sniff* brings a tear to my eye...
Now get on with the slaughter!!
Action This Day: Barnacles 3 Machine 3, Barnacles Win by Shootout
As it turned out the first game of the DragonBowl quarter final round between the Blistering Barnacles and the Frog Machine on Friday turned out to be as much of a nail-biter as the Wednesday night Soapy Cup quarter final. In pouring rain and with 75,000 fans in attendance, the favoured-to-win Machine won the toss and received the first kickoff, but were surprised by a Barnacles blitz which quickly put storm vermin Gnawdoom Segundo and linerat Malkrit Dezimo out of action unconscious. As the Barnacles Saurus's loomed, rookie gutter runner Skrequal Sedizimo received the ball from thrower Kaskat Sesto and made a frantic dash seep into the Barnacles half, racing past the prone bodies of Saurus' knocked down by the Machine players blocking, but was stopped and knocked flat by saurus Leisuresuit Larry lumbering in from midfield. Skink Felix Forktongue picked up the loose ball and moved along the sideline only to be knocked into the crowd and badly hurt by linerat Vermek Tredezimo coming to the rescue. The Barnacles nevertheless recovered the ball, skink Stil Slitherin grabbing it from under the nose of the Machine players and racing up field, throwing a straight pass to skink Nefarious Ned at the line of scrimmage which he managed to drop... but with rat ogre Rendflesh Salivar held off by two sauruses and kroxigor Ever-Loving Bulk (the kroxigor formerly known as Bruntosaurus), Stil Slitherin was able to pick up the ball as Nefarious Ned ran for the goal line, this time completing the pass successfully. With the nearest Machine player many yards off, Nefarious Ned did a little dance of joy on the goal line and then stepped over to score. With half the first half elapsed, the Machine received for a second time, this time getting the ball to star gutter runner Skratsquick Terzo, who dashed up the wide zone screened by his teammates. They could not prevent skink Little Tokyo from dodging daringly past the screen and hitting Skratsquick with a low blitz, knocking the wind out of him. Gutter runner Skrittar Quarzo dashed in on his long legs to grab the ball, but in the ensuing melee he was knocked into the crowd, his small size and the preponderance of Machine fans in the crowd allowing him to make it to the dugout in one piece. The ball was grabbed by a nearby Barnacles fan however and it went back into play at midfield, bouncing into the surprised arms of a nearby saurus. With no time left to score, the two teams traded blows and the whistle blew on a game that stood at 1-0 for the Barnacles at halftime.
Kicking in the second half, the Machine returned the favour of the blitz, racing in to recover their own kick, caging strongly around Skratsquick Terzo who caught the ball perfectly. The Barnacles did their best to collapse the Machine cage, with Ever-Loving Bulk charging in to within a few feet of Skratsquick, only to be knocked down by the sea of Machine players that surrounded him. With that, the Machine broke out the cage and Skratsquick sprinted in to score the tying touchdown. Only a few minutes having elapsed in the half, the Machine kicked to the Barnacles once more, executing a perfect defence to oppose the Barnacles weighted setup... to no avail however as the Barnacles broke through in the center, with three sauruses charging up to pin Rendflesh and skink Stil Slitherin racing straight through the Machine's deep wide zone defence as the rest of the team ran interference. Malkrit Dezimo managed to dodge away from the screen to knock Stil Slitherin down, but Skratsquick, who had run in to grab the now loose ball, tripped over a piece of shed lizard skin and dropped the ball only yards from his own goal line, where Stil Slitherin, having recovered from his hit and gotten to his feet, ran in to grab is and score to make it 2-1. Finally the rain let up as the Barnacles kicked to the Machine once more. Driving deep through the scattered Barnacles deep defence with Skrittar Quarzo in possession of the ball, the Machine caged loosely, but were unable to stop skink Rowdy Rod Reptile from racing past Throtvile Primo and hitting Skrittar hard with a forward lateral blitz that left him unconscious. The ball bounced badly and wound up next to three sauruses, a highly unfavourable position for the Machine, where skink Stil Slitherin picked it up and ran to midfield deep in his own half, sheltering behind saurus Dances-on-Dwarves. Slitherin was subsequently hit by Gnawdoom Segundo who made an impressive blitz from near the sideline... Stil Slitherin went down and the ball rolled out of his grasp where is was snatched up by linerat Viskrin Novo who made the long sprint from the line of scrimmage to get into the play, only to trip over Dances-on-Dwarves' tail as he tried to dodge away, landing on his face and rendering himself quite unconscious. The ball loose again, Stil Slitherin got up and grabbed it, running up the field to try a quick pass to skink Gila "Doc" Connors, the completion of which would surely end the Machine's hopes for the game... but as he prepared to toss the ball it's slipped out of his grasp and bounced away! Amazed by the turn in fortune but acting quickly, Gnawdoom quickly got up and ran into the end zone to catch a perfect pass from rookie thrower Hrishak Quinzo who ran around the intervening barnacles to retrieve the ball. The touchdown tied the game once more at 2-2. With a quarter of the half remaining, the Machine kicked and executed a perfect defence, re-arranging their line to oppose the weighted Barnacles drive, successfully smothering their forward momentum. With no time left to score, the final whistle blew and the match went into overtime.
The Machine won the toss in overtime but the Barnacles blitzed, racing in to threaten the ball, but the Machine got their first, blitzing away saurus Leisuresuit Larry, Hrishak Quinzo retrieving the ball, only to fumble the pass to Skratsquick Quarzo. Stil Slitherin raced into to grab the ball but tripped up trying to get away again and the ball was grabbed by Skratsquick who ran past the line of scrimmage, preceded by Rendflesh who cleared the way by hitting Dances-on-Dwarves hard enough that he spent the rest of the game in the dugout hissing in pain. Skratsquick fended off the attacks of the defending skinks and raced up field, bracketted by his teammates. Their interference was not enough, however, as saurus Crocodilius Maximus caught up and ignoring his escorts, blitzed Skratsquick to the ground. The ball bounced loose once more and the Barnacles got to it first, skink Little Tokyo grabbing it and running it back to the line of scrimmage and again things looked grim for the Machine as Little Tokyo handed off to Stil Slitherin... but Stil Slitherin dropped it! The Machine responded quickly again, knocking Little Tokyo away form the ball and Skratsquick retrieving the ball form under Stil Siltherin's nose. It was not over yet, however, as Kaskat Sesto tripped and fell trying to get away from a saurus to get into position to protect Skratsquick, badly hurting himself... skinks Little Tokyo and Squwerman Norman went after Skratsquick but he kept his feet and dodged away to finally score for the Machine making it 3-2. The Barnacles received the last kickoff of the game, driving hard up the wide zone, Sqwerman Norman running along the sideline shielded by sauruses. Leisuresuit Larry blitzed Rendflesh Salivar aside, knocking him prone and clearing the way for Sqwerman Norman to race to end zone to score with seconds to spare, despite the best efforts of the Machine, which amounted to Malkrit Dezimo pulling a muscle trying to go for it to catch him, and so the game was tied again at 3-3 at the final whistle.
Both teams lined up for the penalty shootout,
and after one round of kicks the Barnacles came out as the victors,
eliminating the Machine from the playoffs and advancing to the semi final
round, to play the winner of the Crypt Crusaders vs Frothy Steins
match. Can the Barnacles go all the way? Let's watch...
Bad Day to be a Black Orc Blocker: Mates 2 Hounds 2, Mates Win by Shootout
The first game of the Playoff Season took place last Wednesday as the Styg's Mates took the field against the Putrid Swamp Boozzhounds in the quarter final round of the Soapy Cup Playoff. The stage was set for a barn-burner of a match as 44,000 fans filed into the stadium and the two teams took up position on the field. The Hounds first kick fell just yards inside the Mates half, and a failed block by veteran blitzer Barbossa (which put him on his back) gave the Hounds the opportunity to push forward and recover the ball, lineorc Lar Batt picking it up. Lar Batt was quickly knocked over, however, and a desperate melee broke out with both teams vying for control. Finally Hounds blitzer Jacky Dee got his hands on it and managed to keep his feet, fighting off repeated attempts to knock him down, finally handing off to blitzer Macallan who broke free of the ruckus and ran for the end zone, dodging away from the pursuing Mates and sprinting in to score the first touchdown of the match. With a quarter of the half to go, the Hounds capitalized on their momentum, blitzing the Mates offence, shutting down any hope the Mates had of scoring a comeback touchdown before the halftime whistle finally blew.
Receiving in the 2nd half, the Hounds prepared to cement their lead over the Mates, passing the ball up to goblin Becks who advanced behind am imposing line of Orcs. The Mates were determined, however, and lineman Captain Hook circumvented the blocking orcs to hit Becks from his blindside, placing a heavy boot on Beck's foot to prevent him from escaping, grabbing him by the neck with his left and literally pummeling him to death with his right. the ball bounced away from Beck's lifeless hands and catcher One-Eyed Willy raced in past the astonished Hounds to retrieve it, but was subsequently knocked flat by blitzer Dewar who managed to dodge free of the Mates players trying to hold him in place. Thrower Shooter recovered the ball but was pushed to the sideline by the onrushing Mates, and then knocked out of play, rendered unconscious by the cheering fans. The ball was thrown into the clear by a true Mates' fan, and One-Eyed Willy sprinted to grab it up and head for the Hounds' end zone to score the tying touchdown. With plenty of time left in the game, the Hounds received and executed a quick snap, driving into the Mates defences with Shooter in possession of the ball. The Hounds drive quickly lost cohesion however after a failed block by black orc Johny Black, and in the ensuing confusion Shooter was knocked prone and the ball bounced loose at the line of scrimmage. Tragedy struck the Hounds again, as Ogre Polly The Cracker Parrot punched rookie black orc Johny Gold square in the chest, driving his sternum into his heart and killing him in a shower of blood. Lineorc Lar Batt tried to retrieve the ball from it's location, surrounded by Mates, but wound up being tripped up onto the ball and it squirted away into the hands of the nearby One-Eyed Willy. Willy faded back and then ran up the wide zone, then inexplicably attempting to pass to lineman Black Barty with predictable results [Ed: what would you expect of a man with an eye-patch?]... the ball went far wide of the mark, where it was retrieved by Shooter who successfully passed it up to Macallan who ran for it, limping slightly on his bad leg. Goblin Hyney Ken broke free of the melee and sprinted into the end zone, where he turned to receive the pass form Macallan with only seconds to spare on the clock, but Macallan fumbled the ball, dashing their scoring hopes... in the meantime, Polly took another swing at a black orc, his meaty fist breaking Johny Black's jaw, and with that, regulation time ended and the players prepared for overtime, the game tied solidly at 1-1.
The Hounds won the toss in OT and the Mates kicked, executing a perfect defence in a rather forward manner. The aggressive defence paid off as blitzer Jimmy Beam fell over trying to dodge, opening the way for the Mates to rush Shooter who was in possession of the ball. Black Barty hit him hard in the side, stunning him, and the ball rolled loose where blizter Erik the Viking tried to pick it up but failed, sending it spinning away on the ground instead. The Hounds couldn't get a break though as lineorc Slee Mon went down trying to hit Erik the Viking and the Mates profited by clearing the nearby Hounds away from the ball, which One-Eyed Willy recovered, sprinting towards the Hounds end zone with nothing but grass in front of him. Unfortunately, he did not notice that his left shoe laces had come loose, and just as he got to the goal line he got fouled up in them and went down hard, lying stunned and moaning inside the end zone, the ball bouncing teasingly away from his prone form. The Hounds and Mates collectively rushed back, and Hyney Ken snatched up the ball only to be tackled hard by Captain Hook, and need to be carried form the field unable to continue. Finally One-Eyed Willy recovered his senses and scrambled up to his feet, grabbing the ball and running into the end zone to make the score 2-1. With half of overtime remaining the Hounds received, the Mates again executing an aggressive perfect defence. The Hounds drove into the Mates' defence with gusto, knocking out Barbossa and Captain Hook quickly and prying open the wide zone, Shooter following up the advance well protected in possession of the ball. The Hounds broke out the cage early, with little time left in OT, sending Shooter running deep into the Mates end, escorted by Dewar. Lineman Black Barty struck a blow for the collapsing Mates' defence, knocking Shooter down and the ball loose, but to no avail as Dewar hit back, knocking him out cold, and then ran to retrieve the ball, sprinting into the end zone with less than a minute to spare, scoring a spectacular tying touchdown. With the sure prospect of a panalty shootout looming, both teams set up ceremnially for the final kick and the whistle blew to end overtime, the game tied at 2-2.
Both teams lined up for penalty kicks, and
after two rounds of kicking, the score fell in the Mates favour. Such
a close match, it came down to the toss-up of the penalty shootout to
determine the winners and the Mates advance to face the Mass Killers
in the semi final round. The Hounds, eliminated, join the rest of the
teams in playing exhibition matches before the start of the new season.
If this match typifies playoff BloodBowl, then what a series it will be!
Possibly no game yet player has been as tense or as close as this one.
Ladies and Gents, I Give You: The DRAGONBOWL
Rejoice! For not only are you playing to win heaps of imaginary, myriad game advantages, and quantifications of abstract concepts, but you are playing to actually hold in your hand the DragonBowl Trophy!
Yes, that's right, the winner of the coveted DragonBowl Trophy will be allowed to keep in his possession this stunning actual-size* trophy, lovingly handcrafted and donated by Coach Plaguelord Puswort, for the duration of the next regular season. Put it in your trophy case in a place of honour... place it on your mantle or coffee table as a conversation piece... take incredibly small and painful drinks out of it... all these things you can do when you win the DragonBowl!!
View some enormous images here. Huzzah!!!
* actual size is approximately 3
inches