7:00pm Saturday, September 6th, 2003

Of Ghouls and Goats: Bonestealers 1 Killers 1
Nygrell Grimskull, Coach, Brimstone Bonestealers

The Brimstone Bonestealers faced off against the Mass Killers late last night. A long, hard slugfest of a match, the Bonestealers were aided in the first half by a (small) pitch invasion (go fans!). Despite this, the Mass Killers quickly put some Bonestealer players into the injury box and evened up the odds, while the Bonestealers seemed incapable of doing much other than pushing around the Mass Killers players. Although much bashing ensued, the first half was scoreless.

A missed Bonestealer pass early in the second half resulted in a Mass Killer touchdown. On their second reception they managed to run in a touchdown while the Mass Killers were focused on destruction, while a shaken Referee (after the Bonestealer fans gave him a "talking to") kept ignoring the blatant fouling by Bonestealer players as they desperately tried to take down some of the far too numerous strong Killers players. Despite a bold rush on the Killers reception late in the second half, though, the Bonestealers were only able to bring the ball to within a few yards of the endzone before the whistle blew, resulting in a tie game.

While suffering no permanent injuries, two of the Bonestealers' Wights will be receiving further medical attention and will miss the next Bonestealer game. The Mass Killers rookie Bushwaker suffered a niggling injury.

Coach Nygrell Grimskull said after (and during) the match:

 "Nuffle is not pleased with us tonight."
 

3:00pm Saturday, September 6th, 2003

Pillage and Plunder: Drakkar 3 Mates 1

It was a like a scene from medieval Northumbria as the Blood Drakkar raided and pillaged the Styg's Mates on Friday night. The action was swift and furious as the Drakkar drove into the Mates end after receiving the first kick, badly hurting Blark Barty.  As fighting raged up and down the line of scrimmage, catcher Odin Bellegaf managed to squeeze through along the sideline and run in for an early touchdown.  On the Mates drive, catcher Jean Lafitte ran a reverse play but slipped on a cow patty as he sprinted for the far side of the field.  The two teams fought over the loose ball until the Drakkar recovered it, Drakkar lineman Markus Paraf completing a pass to catcher Bjorn Bellegaf who was going long.  Bjorn sprinted in to the Mates end zone to bring the score to 2-0.  The Mates tried to develop a passing play in the closing minutes of the half, but the clock ran down on them.

The second half saw the Mates short two players, but nevertheless they managed to complete a pass to Jean Lafitte who evidently hadn't adequately cleaned his cleats from his last fall and he went down on his face just a few yards from the Drakkar end zone.  Lineman Markus Paraf recovered the ball but was subsequently knocked flat by blitzer Barbossa who single handedly fought off three Drakkar players to allow Jean Lafitte to recover enough to get up, grab the ball, and run into the end zone for the only Mates touchdown of the match.  Now three men short, the Mates set up as best they could to defend against the coming Drakkar drive, but had little recourse as the Drakkar opened up they're line like a sardine tin, ogre Grossebouf badly hurting Barbossa, and thrower Olaf Cenotaf completing a pass to Bjorn Bellegaf deep in Mates territory, who subsequently scored his second touchdown of the match.  Frustrated Mates fans then invaded the pitch, knocking out the entire right wing of the Drakkar defence, but the Mates could not get it going as ogre Polly The Cracker Parrot took a mighty swing at Grossebouf but bounced off him, wrenching his back badly and unable to continue play.  With the clock ticking down, the Mates could not get to the Drakkar end zone on time and the match ended a 3-1 Drakkar victory.  Said Coach Grossebaf after the match:

"Ahhhh, it's good to taste the feeling of victory!"
 

2:00pm Saturday, September 6th, 2003

Ghoul Runnings: Bonestealers 2 Boozzhounds 0

A second game on Thursday night pitted the Brimstone Bonestealers against the Putrid Swamp Boozzhounds, thoroughly exhausting Akhnot the scoreboard adjuster before the game even started. The game also saw the first use of the dreaded Goblin Ball and Chain which the Hounds snuck onto the pitch in the hands of freebooter Fungus the Loon.  Unfortunately, it was some very low-grade fungus beer that Fungus was on and unfortunately just as he got the ball swinging he slipped up and knocked himself out (Ed: There was a roster error that gave Fungus only ST2 instead of ST6.  D'oh!!), whereupon the ref decided that enough was enough and banned him and the Ball and Chain from playing the rest of the game.  This early setback threw the Hounds into disarray and heavy hand to hand combat broke out, the Hounds getting the worst of it with black orc Johnny Red carried off badly hurt and lineorc Gy Ness knocked out cold.  With little to stop him, ghoul Scarbrow Spleenlicker fetched the loose ball and scored the winning touchdown.  The rest of the half was a straight up brawl, with little movement of the ball, as the Hounds could not create a decisive breakthrough of the Stealers strong defence.

The second half opening up with the Stealers receiving and slowly pushing forward yard by yard against a tenacious Hounds defence, with both sides losing players knocked out.  Finally about midway through he half, Scarbrow Spleenlicker saw an opportunity and ran the ball up the side line past the Hounds defence.  The Hounds reacted quickly, and blitzer Jimmy Beam knocked Scarbrow flat and took the ball away from him.  Jimmy Beam then attempted a long bomb up field but fumbled, getting jostled off the field in the subsequent rush for the ball.  With no Hounds defenders in place to stop him, Scarbrow reclaimed the ball and ran in to make the game 2-0 in the closing minute of the match.  With no time to accomplish anything of note, the final whistle blew.

As the season winds down, the Bonestealers have got a firm grip on first place in Frog Conference.  It will take a lot of effort and luck for them to be dethroned...
 

1:30pm Saturday, September 6th, 2003

Chaotic Carnage: Killers 3 Paladins 0

Under clear skies, the 2nd place Paladins took on the 6th place Mass Killers with 46,000 bloodthirsty fans looking on.  This match was the debut of Coach Sad Ame Hush Aim, a swarthy, well-fed looking chap, and under his dictatorial regime the Killers seem to have some new fire in their bellies.  The Paladins received the first kick and seized the initiative, knocking out chaos warrior Gorsky the Russian Dancer and caging up around line-elf Thorndyke as they pushed into the Killers half of the pitch.  The Killers broke up the cage quickly though, with ogre Paul Pot inflicting the first casualty of the game by smashing the hand of line-elf Assassin.  Thorndyke dodged out of the ruined cage and ran along the wide zone, only to be tripped up trying to dodge past defending beastmen.  The ball rolled into the crowd and they happily threw it back out into the middle of the pitch deep in the Killers end.  The Paladins were quickly forced over on to the defensive as beastman PowerCollin recovered the loose ball after line-elf Freddy stunned himself knocking over beastman The Jackal. The dispersed and disorganized Paladins continued to be subjected to attacks by the Killers, and the lone defender in the Paladins backfield, phoenix warrior Alex Hapsburg, got blitzed into the crowd behind the end zone by beastman Chupacabra where he suffered a gouged eye before Paladins staff were able to pull him into the dugout.  With no one to stop him, PowerCollin scored the first Killers touchdown of the match, and the first half ended with much further ado.

The second half looked grim for the Paladins, as with no reserves they could only field nine players.  The Killers smelled blood and conducted a quick snap on the Paladins' kick, punishing the Paladins defence as they rolled across the line of scrimmage.  The Paladins nevertheless managed to knock the ball loose from the hands of beastman Dens B. Lair, but PowerCollin managed to pick it up and do a reverse play. He handed off to Chupacabra who had an open field before him, and the Killers subsequently scored to make it 2-0.  More woe and pain was to follow, as the Killers blitzed on the next kick, line-elf Freddy going down with pinched nerve after being clawed savagely by chaos warrior Joseph Stall Inn Dogfish.  At this point, Coach Pat came up out of the dugout waving a white flag, and, after a brief conference between the two opposing coaches (Coach Hush Aim grinning widely), the Paladins players moved out of the way and allowed the Killers to take up the ball and march it into the Paladins' end zone, tossing it back and forth as they went, ending the game a 3-0 Killers victory.  After the match, Coach Pat delivered one of his characteristic short comments to the press:

"We don't like Chaos."

Looks like the feeling is mutual!!
 

4:00pm Thursday, September 4th, 2003

Dangly Parts: Smashers 3 Videos 1

The undefeated Drakehead Smashers added another laurel to their wreath with the defeat of the Straight to Videos 3-1 on Wednesday night.  The Smashers offence developed quickly as the six saurses of the Smashers front line drove into the Videos defence line, badly hurting line-elf "If you value your life, be somewhere else".  Despite the best efforts of the Videos defence, the Smashers drove inexorably towards the Videos' end zone, with skink Goddamn scoring the touchdown.  On the next kick, the Videos went for the long passing play, but line-elf "Royale with cheese" fumbled the ball and the Smashers skink Godspeed dashed in to grab it, only to trip over his own tail as he sprinted towards the end zone.  Despite the temporary set back, the hulking sauruses kept the Videos away from the ball and skink Godspeed recovered and scored to make it 2-0.  The Videos again tried a long passing play in the closing minutes of the half, but again "Royale with cheese" fumbled and control passed to the Shamshers who caged up to run out the clock.  The Videos made one last attempt to recover the ball, with wardancer "These go to eleven" leaping over the wall of defending sauruses... unfortunately he caught his foot on a horny protrusion and fell square on his head and was carried off the field at halftime, unable to play further.

In the second half, the Videos, already short one elf, suffered a pitch invasion by Smashers fans and elf-haters, losing two more line-elves knocked out and two stunned.  Nevertehless they received the ball and handed off to catcher "I love it when a plan comes together" who sprinted down the wide zone in a desperate bid to score.  Unfortunately, he was knocked flat by Saurus Godflesh, and the ball bounced away.  Skink Godbless picked up the ball and the Smashers went on the offensive again, driving up the field against the weakened Videos, with Godbless scoring at the middle of the half.  Now two elves short, the Videos got back on the horse and received the next kick.  Once again exploiting the Smashers hole-y defence, the Videos streamed through into Smashers territory with line-elf "They're here..." in possession. Although another Elf was knocked hors-de-combat after tripping and falling heavily on his arm, fracturing it, the Videos were finally able to get a play going, with "They're here" daodging away from the Smashers defence into the clear and "I love it when a plan comes together" sprinting into the end zone to receive the short pass and complete the only Videos touchdown of the match.  With only a little time left remaining, skink Godzouky fumbled the ball in the Smashers backfield on the next kick and "I love it when a plan comes together" raced up and knocked him flat, coming within a hair's breadth of scoring again but for his inept fumbling of the ball.  The crowd went wild as the final whistle blew on a 3-1 Smashers victory.  Asked for comment after the game Coach Tyrannicus Rex said:

"Pansssy Elvesss...won't ssstand ssstill for a solid punch....too busssy tripping all over themselvesss running away."

 

2:00pm Thursday, September 4th, 2003

Shape of Eagle! Form of Water! Paladins 3 Boozzhounds 0

 

It was Elves beating up Orcs on Wednesday afternoon as the Paladins reaffirmed their second place spot in Frog Conference, beating the Putrid Swamp Boozzhounds 3-0.  The Hounds received the first kick and pressed up the picth through the wide zone, caging up and passing the ball back and forth between players in an attempt to confuse the Paladins defence, however halfway towards the Paladins end zone, blitzer Macallen fumbled the ball and in the ensuing movement it bounced off the field, to be thrown in behind the Paladins solid defence line. Lion warrior M.K. Klaw ultimately retrieved the ball and dashed up the center of the pitch only to be sacked by Macallen who caught him from behind.  It was to no avail, however, as line-elf The Fort grabbed the loose ball and handed it off to line-elf Assassin who ran in to score the Paladins' first touchdown just before the end of the first half.

Receiving in the second half, the Paladins brushed off a Hounds blitz and went on the offensive.  The offensive blocking of his teammates cleared the way for rookie dragon warrior Silent Service who ran deep into Hounds' territory with an open field before him.  Disaster almost struck then when Hounds' thrower Shooter struck Silent Service from behind with such a blow that all were sure he had been killed, but to Coach Pat's immense relief, a quick application of smelling salts revived the poor Elf and he was able to continue the match, jumping to his feet, recovering the ball, and sprinting in to complete the second Paladins' touchdown.  The Hounds executed a quick snap on their next reception, but blitzer fumbled Macallan once again fumbled a pass, throwing the Hounds offence into disarray.  The two Paladins lion warriors took advantage of the situation to speed through the Hounds line and hit line-orc Mole Son who had recently received the ball, knocking him flat and the ball out of his hands.  A struggle started there, just inside the Hounds half of the pitch, with neither team able to get it's hands on the ball until the last minute of the game when The Farzan grabbed it, conducting a short pass up to M. K. Klaw who ran in to the Hounds end zone to make the score 3-0.  With no time left on the clock for any other significant developments, the final whistle blew on a solid Paladins victory.  Said Coach Pat to a confused group of reporters after the game:

"We like Orcs"
 

2:30am Thursday, September 4th, 2003

Clash of the Minotaurs: Surly 2 Babes 1

 

41,000 adherents of Chaos filled the stands as the Chaos Dwarven Short & Surly took the field against the just plain Chaos Horny Babes on Wednesday.  As it turned out, the Chaos gods preferred their Chaos with a just hint of Dwarf that day, as the game was a 2-1 Surly win, but the Gods did not ignore their Babes either... The Babes received the first kick and drove into the Surly lines where a vicious battle ensued.  The melee was waged at the closest possible quarters wit both sides just beating the snot out of each other.  The turning point came when Surly minotaur Agamemmnon the Horny let out a loud bellow and charged at Babes minotaur Gora the Impaler, goring her savagely which resulted in her being dragged off the field too badly hurt to continue play.  The Babes, now on the loosing end of the melee, made a bid to break loose, with chaos warrior Bloody Bombshell making a perfect pass to beastwoman TaeraTak who had gotten into position away from the general fighting.  Bull centaur Doomcharger dashed her hopes of scoring with well timed blitz, however, knocking the ball loose once more.  The melee continued until the Surly managed to push away the Babes who contended for the ball and hobgoblin Assmonkey ran in to collect the loose ball.  Sally Splugorth compounded the Babes deteriorating situation by hitting Doomcharger much in the way a ceremonial champagne bottle hits the prow of a newly launched ship, and she too was too badly hurt to continue.  With little recourse to stop him, the Babes had to watch hobgoblin Assmonkey sprint into their end zone to score a touchdown with seconds left on the clock.

Starting the 2nd half two babes short, the Babes kicked to the Surly offence, and the Surly sent bull centaur Hoofgrinder running up the wide zone, ball in hand.  Hoofgrinder was stopped short by the combined efforts of TaeraTak and Gutsy Gutripper who retrieved the ball.  The Surly offence was not done, however, and Gutsy was stunned by Caleb Crotchmangler, who cleared the way for Hoofgrinder to clamber to his feet, grab the loose ball, and sprint into the Babes end zone to make the score 2-0.  As the next kick sailed through the air into the Babes end, the fans decided that the Babes needed some help and savagely attacked the Surly players on the field, badly hurting Balin Bloodbrewer and stunning five other players.  The Surly defence in shambles, the Babes nevertheless proceeded cautiously to form a cage around their ball carrier on their side of the line of scrimmage, giving time for the Surly to recover from the rampaging fans.  Another stiff brawl took place near the line of scrimmage as the Babes inched forward.  Finally the Babes started inflicting some damage, as beastwoman Sydney Viscious knocked chaos dwarf Ori Ori Ori flat, and beastwoman Meatpuppet leaped on the prone dwarf and tore his throat out, killing him in a shower of blood, while the ref wasn't looking.  The melee continued with the Babes once again suffering attrition in the form of unconscious players until beastwoman Fleshmistress received a hand-off and ran for it, unfortunately getting tripped up by hobgoblin Shitless at the sideline. The Chaos Gods, however, had been pleased by the bloody sacrifice of Ori Ori Ori and decided to favour the Babes at this late hour.  Shitless proved unable to pick up the ball by hook or by crook, and the ball bounced away from his nerveless hands and into the crowd.  No one saw who threw it, but the ball sailed out of the crowd and back onto the pitch deep in Surly territory, just a dozen yards from the end zone.  Galvanized, Fleshmistress jumped to her feet and sprinted towards the loose ball along with a few of the other babes players who could extract themselves form the fighting.  The Surly rushed also to try and interfere, but to no avail as Fleshmistress outstripped them, flawlessly scooped up the ball and sprinted headlong into the Surly end zone just as the final whistle blew.

A spectacular end to a game which had, until the last part of the last half, seemed to be a Surly blowout.  The Surly announced the replacement of dead dwarf Ori Ori Ori with yet another kinsman, Ori Ori Ori Breath.
 

1:30am Thursday, September 4th, 2003

Rodent Rage: Machine 4 Barnacles 0

 

The fans were out in full force to support their favorites, with strong contingents representing both the Frog Machine and the Blistering Barnacles as the two teams battled it out on the gridiron Tuesday night. The outcome, however, was very different from the 3-3 stalemate of their last encounter. To thunderous cheering, the Machine kicked off to the Barnacles, who retrieved the ball and executed the now familiar passing play to get the ball into the hands of skink Sqwerman Norman, who they loosely caged around.  The Machine offered battle at the line of scrimmage, and soon bodies were being pushed left and right in the ensuing melee.  Sqwerman Norman decided to take adavnatge of the confusion to break right and head for a an open spot, but the usually nimble skink tripped over the tail of storm vermin Throtvile Primo and the ball went bouncing from his grasp.  This was veteran gutter runner Skrittar Quarzo's cue, and, with a path cleared by rat ogre Rendflesh Salivar, he  sprinted forward on his long, powerful legs to gather up the loose ball. His progress temporarily checked by a blitz from behind by saurus Leisuresuit Larry, he nonetheless picked himself up once more and easily evaded the saurus's clutches, grabbing the loose ball and showboating along the touchdown line before running in for the first touchdown of the match.  With less than half the time in the first half elapsed, the Machine kicked again.  This time the Barnacles offence ripped a huge hole in the Machine defence and rushed through it, with Kroxigor Bruntosaurus going head to head with Rendflesh.  Rendflesh and Bruntosuarus grappled like angry titans, and Rendflesh managed to get the better of his scaly opponent, knocking him prone onto a small scale model of Tokyo someone had left lying on the field.  The storm vermin of the Machine completed the dismantling of the Barnacles drive, knocking flat skink Sqwerman Norman to knock the ball loose once more.  Skrittar Quarzo then dashed in to retrieve the loose ball from under the nose of the remaining Barnacles players.  Skrittar got free of the melee and, sprinting down the field, he managed to dodge away from the Barnacles defenders who rushed into his path, scoring his second touchdown late in the half.  The Machine kicked again but disaster struck the Barnacles offence as Sqwerman Norman dropped the pass from skink Lerkin Sneek.  Quick as lightning, crowd favorite gutter runner Skratsquick Terzo dashed around the Barnacles defence, retrieving the ball from under the noses of two Sauruses and taking off down the sideline.  The Barnacles seemed almost too stunned to react (Ed: Saurus Stuart Runin rolled double skulls, ending the Barnacles turn a little too early) and speedy Skratsquick scored the third touchdown of the game seconds before the clock ran down on the first half.

With the Barnacles kicking in the second half, the Machine were in fine form, conducting a quick snap and driving into the Barnacles territory, using their speed to best advantage to create a protective bubble around ball-carrying Skratsquick.  Skink Sqwerman Norman caused the Machine offence considerable consternation, nimbly evading the blocks of three separate Machine players while blocking the movement of Skratsquick, until finally he was knocked prone by a blitz from Throtvile Primo.  Skratsquick then was able to take advantage of the open field before him to sprint into the end zone, scoring his 13th career touchdown and bringing the score to 4-0.  The frustrated and seething Barnacles received the next Machine kick and once again charged through the Machine defence, Bruntosaurus and Rendflesh grappling once more... this time it was Rendflesh who wound up on his back, and Bruntosaurus stopped to celebrate, blocking the path of his teammates who were then forced to dodge past him.  Nefarious Ned ran the ball ever deeper into Machine territory, and the Machine defence dropped everything to run back and contain him.  Saurus Garygantuan Gecko came to his rescue, but the prehensile tail of team captain Gnawdoom Segundo wrapped firmly around Nefarious Ned's legs and he went down like a sack of potatoes, knocked out cold.  Skink Rowdy Rod Reptile attempted to retrieve the loose ball as it rolled tantalizingly close to the Machine end zone, but it was not to be, as he could not get a grip on the pigskin with his tiny, tiny hands and was subsequently knocked flat by Gnawdoom.  Skratsquick once more grabbed the ball and dashed off down the sideline, well protected by his teammates.  Finding his way blocked by a wall of sauruses and with little time left on the clock, Skratsquick reversed direction and crossed the field at a sprint to play safety... however the Barnacles chased him down and rookie skink Feliz Forktoungue knocked him out cold.  The loose ball was grabbed by Lerkin Sneek, who raced towards the Machine end zone where skink Rowdy Rod Reptile was waiting.  With literally only seconds on the clock, Lerkin Sneek hauled back and fired an beautifully accurate short pass to Rowdy Rod, which, unfortunately, bounced off his head and away, the pass that would have been a Barnacles touchdown incomplete as the final whistle blew.

This was an important win for the Machine as it almost guarantees them a playoff spot... all they must do now is win either one of their last two regular season matches.  The Barnacles drop into fifth place just behind the Blargburg Bluebutts who remain 1 point ahead.  It will be a tight race between these two teams for the last playoff spot.
 

7:30pm Wednesday, September 3rd, 2003

The Never Ending Story: Bonestealers 2 Mates 0
Nygrell Grimskull, Coach, Brimstone Bonestealers

 

Both teams eyed the dangerously excited crowd of 46,000 nervously as they set up on the pitch for the Brimestone Bonestealers first kick-off against the Styg's Mates. (While there were some initial reports that the Mates had fixed the coin toss, this was later disproven through CabalVision replays.)

While Bonestealer Kicker "The Shadow" Nose placed the ball very well deep in the Mates zone, the Mates were moving before the kick had cleared the heads of the Bonestealer scrimmage and the hulking Human Blitzer Barbossa bravely charged into Mummy Dus Nel-Etgath (with some friendly assistance) head-on and knocked it down. Rookie Wight Rackis Skullrattle, appearing for the first time in Bonestealer colours, was knocked out cold along with teammate Twinkle Phalanges in the ensuing crush, and the Mates Ogre Polly the Cracker Parrot knocked over Mummy Anoth Tset, who had quickly found himself devoid of teammates on the scrimmage line. The Mates Catcher Jean Lafitte dashed through the gaping hole in the Bonestealer line to within easy reach of the end zone, while Thrower Dread Pirate Roberts fell back to recover the ball which lay mere yards from the Mates own end zone, but he hadn't quite cleaned the butter from his pre-game corn cob off his hands and he couldn't pick up the ball.

With their center smashed open and both Mummies prone (not to mention two players knocked out and carried off-field), the Bonestealers scrambled tocover the Mates players. The Mummies stood up, surrounding Ogre Polly, while the flanks moved in to cover the center and a Ghoul and a Wight moved back to cover the veteran Mates Catcher who was dangerously close to the endzone. The Mates superior numbers allowed them to begin picking apart the hastily erected Bonestealer line again though, but their efforts were abruptly halted when Lineman Jack Sparrow tripped over his shoelace as he ran forward to assist Jean Lafitte. Seizing the initiative, the Bonestealers begin to even the odds. Mummy Anoth Tset, deviously, had wrapped some of his wrappings around Ogre Polly's leg as he was getting up the previous turn and used this to his advantage while blocking the Ogre, spraining Polly's ankle and sending him off Badly Hurt. Mummy Dus Nel-Etgath rushed (as much as Mummies can rush) to assist his teammates in stopping the ever-growing number of Mates players deep in the Bonestealer zone. Not to be outdone, Mates Lineman Davey Jones -- in a move that had Coach Nygrell Grimskull howling for blood in the Bonestealer dugout -- charged finger-first into Ghoul Fangmouth Earchewer's left eye, sending him off the pitch in the care of his embalmers with an injury that will most likely keep him out of the Bonestealers' next game, as well. Meanwhile, Thrower Dread Pirate Roberts finally managed to start the ball moving upfield.

The persistent cries from the Bonestealer dugout were rewarded with Mummy Dus Nel-Etgath blitzing into Lineman Captain Hook from behind, smashing his hip. The Mates Apothecary was quick to act, though, and managed to heal the injury and keep Captain Hook from limping for the rest of his career. Meanwhile, Anoth Tset took over blocking duties for his three smaller teammates on the other wing of the pitch, while they dashed forward to intercept the ball carrier and his guard. Catcher Jean Lafitte pulled back a bit to help his teammates out (and to get in range for the pass) while another Lineman moved to guard the ball carrier. Crowd favorite Ghoul Mad Dog Marrowlips (who, despite a fractured skull early in his career -- or perhaps because of it --, still seems to enjoy putting himself in harm's way) proved a difficult target for Lineman Davey Jones, though, as he easily sent the Lineman face-first into the pitch defending himself from a block, knocking him out. Wight Karsk Fellfinger quickly added to the Mates' bench by knocking out Catcher Jean Lafitte who was foolishly standing next to him. Fellow Wight Dagoth Shiverspine put on a burst of speed to blitz Thrower Dread Pirate Roberts, knocking the ball from his hands and allowing Ghoul Scarbrow Spleenlicker, who had been covering Roberts, to grab the ball and score a touchdown.

Kicking again, but this time to a depleted and Ogre-less Mates team (Coach Nygrell Grimskull having pulled some spare Skeletons out of the team closet to fill the holes in his own lineup), the Bonestealers set up again in a solid center defense with a few wide blockers. The Mates, more cautious after the bruisings so far in the first half, mostly avoided the center of the Bonestealer formation. The wily Bonestealer kicker "The Shadow" Nose lobbed a short kick to land close to the scrimmage line in the center, where the Mates line was weakest. The Mates chose to push along the side, pushing back the Bonestealer wingers there, but again failed to pick up the ball off the kick. With the Mates center almost non-existent and the ball in easy reach, the Bonestealer Mummies cleared the way (badly hurting Linesman Captain Hook in the process) for Wight Karsk Fellfinger to blitz the lone Mates Lineman Mad Dog Bonney away from the ball, and grab the ball himself.

The Mates offense sent Lineman Blark Barty to the rescue however, knocking over Karsk Fellfinger and putting the ball on the pitch again. Meanwhile, bruising Blitzer Barbossa avenged his teammate Captain Hook by badly hurting Wight Murken Shadowspike, who failed to Regenerate and was out for the rest of the game. The game then devolved into a series of scrums, with both sides ignoring the ball in an effort to heap abuse on each other. In the fracas, Skeleton Knotso Humerus received a fractured leg, which the Bonestealer assistant Necromancers say might fall apart again despite their best efforts. Other casualties include the Mates power Blitzer Barbossa, badly hurt while surrounded by no less than four Bonestealer players out for blood.

The second half began with the Mates able to field only 8 players, and their two strongest squad members being cared for in the Mates' infirmary. The Bonestealers, while suffering some injuries, had more backup players and were able to scrounge up a full squad on the pitch, including the rarely-fielded Skeleton Tephnut Radius (so named, claim his teammates, because that's how far away they like to stay from his rotting stench). As the Bonestealers kicked off the first half, they set up to receive the kick in the second, with a solid wall of players on the scrimmage line to break through the Mates' center. The ball fell right behind the Bonestealer line, and the whole of the Bonestealer line pushed across the line of scrimmage with Ghoul Mad Dog Marrowlips snapping up the ball and shielding himself behind it. The Mates knock over and stun Wight Dagoth Shiverspine, in the center of the Bonestealer line, though, leaving Mad Dog Marrowlips exposed. Despite this, though, the Mates are unable to capitalize and with two unengaged Mummies the Bonestealers quickly close the hole (knocking out Lineman Rackham le Rouge). The Mates manage to knock out Skeleton "The Shadow" Nose, but Lineman Mad Dog Bonney is tackled attempting to get in close to blitz Ghoul Mad Dog Marrowlips and the initiative returns to the Bonestealers. Using their superior numbers, the Bonestealers play cautiously, covering all the Mates players while moving the ball to a safe location covered by several teammates, and also badly hurting Erik the Viking in a skirmish on the other side of the pitch. Mates Lineman Jack Sparrow, losing his cool while standing next to Mummy Dus Nel-Etgath, but is tackled by nearby Wight Karsk Fellfinger, prematurely ending the Mates turn as soon as they began. Ghoul Scarbrow Spleenlicker pushes Catcher One-Eyed Willy into the crowd, who treat him roughly and smash his hand. With the remaining Mates players prone, and well-covered by Bonestealer players, Mad Dog Marrowlips moves the ball towards the Mates end-zone. The Mates are in no mood for further beatings, though, and end their turn without standing anyone up, and so Marrowlips scores the second Bonestealer touchdown.

At this point, the crowd really began to get ugly, after first tasting the blood of the Mates Catcher One-Eyed Willy and then incensed by the Mates' refusal to receive more beatings for their entertainment. As the players set up for the Bonestealer kick, the fans invade the pitch, stunning three of the six remaining Mates players! The Mates, with only three standing players and the ball again having fallen perilously close to the scrimmage line, do the only sensible thing and try to throw it deep in the Bonestealer zone. However, Nuffle intervenes, and Ghoul Scarbrow Spleenlicker miraculously intercepts the ball a handful of yards from the throw! The Bonestealers move in quickly confident of a quick third down against the massively depleted Mates, but Nuffle indeed has the last laugh as Mates Thrower Dread Pirate Roberts pulls off an incredible display of talent as he gets up, dodges away from Ghoul Mad Dog Marrowlips twice to blitz into Scarbrow Spleenlicker! The hapless Ghoul falls to the ground, stunned, as Roberts almost catches the ball as it falls from Spleenlicker's limp hands... but it bounces away, and he sprints to within a yard of the ball. He must have passed something to Lineman Davey Jones, though, as Jones continued this incredible display by dodging around from Wight Dagoth Shiverspine to grab the ball from next to his feet, and then dodging away and along the sideline before finally re-attempting the long pass into the empty Bonestealer zone. It was not to be, however, as Nuffle continues to laugh, and Davey Jones fumbles the throw and the ball falls to the ground near the mass of Bonestealer players. Alone and quickly surrounded, Davey Jones is sent off the pitch with a smashed hand courtesy of Mummy Anoth Tset, while Wight Karsk Fellfinger picks up the ball and attempts to pass to waiting Ghoul Mad Dog Marrowlips. He misses the throw, however, and the ball scatters loose a few yards away in the Mates zone. Thrower Roberts finally does put an end to the Bonestealer touchdown attempt at that point, snapping up the ball and throwing a long bomb down deep into the Bonestealer zone along the empty wing. With only a few seconds left on the clock, and only Dread Pirate Roberts standing among the Mates players, the Bonestealers have few targets for their frustrations and the game ends without further event.
 

5:00pm Wednesday, September 3rd, 2003

Odd Men Out: Mashers 2 Sharks 1

 

A much reduced Midgard Mashers squad took the field against the rampaging Rage Sharks.  With only eight players able to take the field, things looked grim for the Mashers... but at the first kick, as if on signal, a horde of Norse barbarians stormed onto the field, savagely attacking the Sharks.  The result was dramatic, with three beastmen put out of play badly hurt and one knocked unconscious before the fans were beaten back into the bleachers, and suddenly the receiving Mashers had the man advantage.  Nevertheless, after ogre Pete knocked himself over taking a swing at chaos warrior Anger Shark, the Sharks waded into the fray with their customary pugnacious attitude. After a short struggle, thrower Sven Windchaser was able to circumvent the melee and sprint into the Sharks end zone to score the first touchdown at the middle of the half.  The Sharks took swift revenge on the next kick, as chaos warrior B Jesus stepped up to lineman Jormungand GameEnder, whose game (and life) ended as a mailed fist punched his head clean off his shoulders.  The Sharks offence did not end there, as beastman Frumpy Thistlebottom charged catcher Dain Thunderhands head-down, knocking him over so hard his skull fractured. Ogre Pete evened the odds once more by knocking out beastman Trogdor, but then was himself dragged off the pitch badly hurt after a vicious head-kicking foul by beastman Mmmm Blood. Despite the continued casualties, the Killers had not even bothered to retrieve the ball, which lay untouched at the point it was kicked to inside the Sharks end zone, and the clock ran down on the half without any further scoring.

It was five Mashers and seven Sharks who took the field at the start of the second half.  The Sharks received the Mashers kick and quickly reduced them to four players, lineman Lute "The Lutefish" Snorri being carried off badly hurt after being knocked flat at the line of scrimmage. The four Mashers were quickly surrounded and set upon by six of the seven Sharks on the field, while the seventh, beastman Trogdor, ran unopposed to the Mashers end zone to tie the game at 1-1.  With only four players now, and the Sharks strengthened to eight, the Mashers took the field once more receiving the Sharks kick.  The confident Sharks blitzed and overran the few Mashers at the line of scrimmage, driving into the Mashers back field with the aim of recovering their kick. The Mashers still had some fight left though, and catcher Aric Eagleborn grabbed the ball first and ran like a madman into the wide zone and up the pitch, easily stepping away from his pursuers until finally surrounded deep in Sharks territory.  Undeterred, Aric put his head down and went straight at the beastman in front of him shoving him aside and dancing lightly away from his surprised clutches, finally sprinting into the Sharks end zone to score with minutes to go on the clock.  Truly his feat will be remembered in song, for he was only one of three Mashers (lineman Svan Sonderson having been knocked out earlier in the drive) against the eight defending Sharks, a five-man-short touchdown, an unparalleled achievement in the annals of the DragonBBL.  With no time left to score, the two teams traded blows and the whistle blew on a 2-1 Mashers victory.

Coach SkullSplitter had a minor heart-attack at the moment when the 2nd TD was scored....as he was being attended to by the full roster of buxom ale wenches the team keeps on hand, all he could be heard saying was:

"I told my boy to howl their fury at the Gods and go down fighting.... never did I expect my boys to win."

A small tear could be seen coming from his eyes at the pride Coach SkullSplitter felt for his team.
 

3:30pm Wednesday, September 3rd, 2003

Funeral Dirge: Rats 2 Killers 1

 

An apathetic crowd of 21,000 fans showed up for the Rats de la Boule vs Mass Killers match yesterday.  The Rats got off to a strong start, with gutter runner Hab il Dlabal scoring quickly after the Rats reception. The Killers came back strong however, their offence quickly knocking out five Rats, and chaos warrior Gorsky the Russian Dancer giving linerat Scorbut a concussion.  The devastating offence continued with rat ogre Tasstoi Dla being badly hurt by a foul carried out by Bushwaker, and, with only four Rats left on the field and only a few minutes left in the half, beastman Dens B. Lair jogged into the Rats end zone with the ball to tie the game 1-1.  In a tragic turn of events as the end of the half, as the Rats were setting up to receive in the waning minutes of the half, a Killers fan in the crowd threw a well aimed and particularly jagged rock that hit thrower Vlad Labelle in the back of the head, killing him.

Two rats short at the second half kickoff, the Rats nonetheless blitzed the Killers with surprising success, as Hab il Dlabal charged alone into the Killers backfield and threw himself at Bushwaker, easily twice his size.  Amazingly Hab il Dlabal got the better of the encounter and Bushwaker went down for the count.  With seemingly nothing to stop him, Hab il Dlabal grabbed the bouncing ball, leapt over Bushwaker's unconscious body, and sprinted towards the Killers end zone. However, with an otherworldly burst of speed, beastwoman Sara Fat caught up with the speeding gutter runner, tackling him from behind just before he hit the end zone, and sending the ball spinning into the crowd, who threw it in further up the pitch. To no avail, however, as Hab il Dlabal rolled to his feet and dodged away fro Sara Fat, recovering the ball and sprinting into the end zone to make the score 2-1.  Stung by this outrage, the Killers prepared to renew their offence as snow started to fall from the sky, growing thicker and thicker until it was a veritable blizzard.  In these conditions, the Killers forged ahead, bent on destruction, and quickly achieved results, with chaos warrior Adolf Thitler beating linerat Zorba Ratones to a bloody pulp at the line of scrimmage, rendering him irreversibly dead. The bad weather made ball handling a nightmare, and the ball spent a good deal more time on the ground than in anyone's hands.  The treacherous conditions affected the game in other ways too, as veteran thrower Passla Bouboule took a nasty spill on some black ice, pinching a nerve.  Rats casualties mounted as Toufik Del Toba slipped up trying to dodge and wound up badly hurt.  Late in the half, with Rats resistance waning die to lack of players, Sara Fat managed to recover the ball and ran like mad to try to score a tying touchdown before the final whistle.  Unfortunately, only a few yards short Sara Fat's feet went out from under her in a puddle of slush and the Killers hopes for a score were dashed.  The game ended a 2-1 victory for the Rats, albeit an expensive one with two corpses and an equal number of serious injuries.

Apparently, the loss and the gate that yielded no profit for the Killers caused quite a shake up in the organization, with Head Coach Stork reportedly being fired. This rumour has not yet been confirmed and no replacement has yet been announced.
 

6:00pm Tuesday, September 2nd, 2003

In Sceolan We Trust: Hunt 3 Drakkar 1

 

A good turnout of 46,000 fans filled the bleachers for today's match between the Wild Hunt and the Blood Drakkar.  The Drakkar started with a one man advantage as they kicked to the waiting Hunt, and the Hunt quickly ran into trouble as wardancer Wychwethyl was tripped up trying to dodge past the Drakkar defence line and wound up knocking himself out cold.  Realizing their initial plan was in shambles, the Hunt pulled a reverse play, with rising star catcher Sceolan passing through the Drakkar defence on the opposite wide zone after a hard sprint across the field.  There was a moment of doubt as the line-elf assigned to protect him tripped over a clod of dirt, but fortunately Sceolan's speed was unmatchable by the Drakkar defence and he sprinted into the end zone to score the first touchdown of the match.  With Wychwethyl out cold, the Hunt spread their nine players out of defence as best they could and awaited the onslaught.  The Drakkar received and the ball was passed up the pitch by thrower Olaf Cenotaf who missed his intended target but the ball fortuitously bounced into the hands of rookie blitzer Geirroed Epitaf (kinsman of the lamentably late Erik Epitaf) who ran to midfield to shelter behind the heavy hitters of the Drakkar offensive line.  Wood Elf agility came once again to the fore as the line elves maneuvered around the Drakkar players to hit Geirroed form behind, stunning him and knocking the ball loose.  The ball was rapidly recovered by Sceolan who was knocked flat by lineman Markus Paraf but managed to recover with the help of his teammates and grab the loose ball once more, eluding the pursuing Drakkar defenders and scoring to make it 2-0. Wychwethyl recovered enough to take the field again, but the Hunt were still two elves short, line-elf Toldea having been badly hurt on the last drive.  Despite the odds, the Hunt were able to delay the Drakkar long enough for the halftime whistle to put an end to their drive.

The second half kickoff did not go well for the receiving Drakkar.  Immediately on kickoff, the pumped up Hunt blitzed the surprised Drakkar, Sceolan recovering the Hunt's own kick.  Speedy elves swarmed through rents in the Norse line to guard the catcher but ultimately Sceolan had to work up quite a sweat avoiding the tender mercies of Geirroed Epitaf.  Although Sceolan subsequently broke free of the melee and scored his third touchdown of the match, his teammates were badly handled, most significantly with line-elf Nertea2 suffering a concussion after being fouled by ogre Grossebouf.  Able to field only seven players for the next drive, the Hunt could not stop the Drakkar offence despite their best efforts, and were badly handled with Wychwethyl (who's nickname is now "Glass Jaw") knocking himself out again after tripping up trying to dodge and two other line-elves being rendered unconscious, leaving only four Hunt players standing as Drakkar catcher Odin Bellegaf received the ball and sprinted in to score the only Drakkar touchdown of the match.  The final kick saw only five Hunt players deploy to receive... on receiving, the Hunt faded back towards their end zone followed by a swarm of eleven angry Norsemen.  Seeing an opportunity even at this late stage and in these dire straits, the Hunt broke along the sideline with Sceolan sprinting as fast as he could with a clear field in front of him... but it was not to be as he was blindsided with a perfect blitz by lineman Leif Completementpaf  who knocked him flat and wound up holding the ball, but subsequently fumbled a pass, and the three remaining line-elves of the Hunt managed to interfere enough to prevent the Drakkar from making any further progress, and in fact Lemenya2 managed to grab the loose ball just before the whistle blew and attempted to throw a long bomb to Sceolan who was hanging out near the Drakkar end zone... unfortunately he fumbled the pass and the closing seconds of the match ticked away to a final 3-1 Hunt victory.

The victory saw a boom in popularity for the resurgent Hunt, especially as Sceolan, with his hat trick today, has become the second player in the league to hit "star player" status and certainly is the league's fastest rising star. Will the Hunt be able to continue on to secure themselves a playoff spot? Well they have certainly put themselves back in the running!
 

12:30am Tuesday, September 2nd, 2003

In Excelsior Harry: Steins 2 Bluebutts 0

 

The masses turned out in droves to watch the ever popular Blargburg Bluebutts take on the Frothy Steins.  With both teams in contention for playoff spots, the action was expected to be fierce, and fierce it was.  Receiving the first kickoff, the Bluebutts drove deep into Steins territory, combating them hand to hand in their own turf and receiving their first casualty as blitzer Kissmy Ass was carried off badly hurt after getting knocked down by blitzer Greybeard.  Witch elf Sum Dum Bitch received a beautiful long pass from thrower Shit Head after leaping away from a ring of Steins, and made a break for it up the wide zone.  Her drive was cut short, however, by troll slayer Booglie who knocked her to the ground stunned. In the subsequent struggle for the ball, her sister witch elf Sum Dizzy Bitch attempted to dodge into the fracas but tripped on someone else's shoelace and went down like a sack of potatoes, and like a sack of potatoes was carried from the field, badly hurt.  Runner Flash recovered the ball and handed it off to Steins rising star HarryPalms, who moved up the field, well guarded.  Bluebutts efforts to stop him were to no avail (and in fact resulted in line-elf Brad falling flat on his face trying to dodge away from Steins players, breaking his jaw), and Harry eventually powered his way into the Bluebutts end zone, scoring the winning touchdown only minutes before the end of the half.  The remainder of the half was insufficient to score and after a few more swipes at each other the half ended.

Receiving in the second half, the Steins caged up around HarryPalms, and with him carrying the ball, drove across the line of scrimmage.  The Bluebutts met them hand to hand and for a time the issue seemed in doubt until the ref caught Sum Dizzy Bitch trying to foul troll slayer Ooglie and ejected her from the game.  After this the Bluebutts defence came to pieces and HarryPalms scored once more for the Steins at the middle of the half.  As bright sunlight flooded the field, the Bluebutts made one last attempt to score, with blitzer Dumb Ass receiving a good pass from Shit Head and dashing deep into Steins territory, unfortunately suffering a vertigo attack as he sprinted onwards and falling down, the ball bouncing from his outstretched hand.  The Steins recovered the ball and, although HarryPalms fumbled a subsequent handoff reception, the Bluebutts were not able to take advantage before the final whistle blew.

Although the game was a loss for the Bluebutts, they came through it more or less in one piece and still remain in strong playoff contention.  The Frothy Steins temporarily gain second spot in Dragon Conference pending the outcome of Frog Machine vs Blistering Barnacles Tuesday night.  In an additional boon to their popularity, HarryPalms has become a star player unequalled in the league for sheer star power and popularity.  Can Harry be stopped? No one knows...
 

6:30pm Friday, August 29th, 2003

Temporary Alternate Proxy Server No More!

 

Things seem to have stabilized quite well, so the temporary alternate proxy server will be coming offline after tonight.  We will probably be setting up a more permanent alternate server to bring performance, availability, scalability, and security to your Bloodbowl experience.  DragonBowl League, your number one League for reverent incompetence on the field of Bloodbowl!
 

6:00pm Monday, September 1st, 2003

Might as Well go for Soda: Hunt 3 Killers 1

 

Good weather blessed the Sunday night showdown between the casualty-plagued Wild Hunt and the casualty-inflicting Mass Killers. The Killers, however, were not ready for just how hard it could be to hit a target moving as quickly as a determined Wood Elf. Despite the Killers rolling forward like an unstoppable juggernaut after receiving the first kickoff, the nimble elves quickly reduced their gameplan to shambles, with wardancer Wychwethyl and catcher Sceolan putting their skills to good use and double-teaming beastman Bushwaker to wrest control of the ball from him.  The result was a struggle for ball control in the Killers half of the pitch. Line-elf Toldea grabbed the loose ball and made a run for it, protected heavily by his teammates, but beastman Chupacapra got close and knocked him flat, badly hurting him, and sending the ball rolling back into the general melee. The game having devolved to close combat, things looked grim for the Hunt, as first Wychwethyl and then line-elf Lemenya2 were knocked unconcious, but the Wood Elves continued their game of maneuver, finally coaxing the loose ball to the edge of the struggling morass of players.  There, Sceolan dashed in to grab it and escape up the pitch towards the goal line, dodging nimbly away form the efforts of beastwoman Sara Fat to bring him down and scoring the first touchdown of the game late in the half.  Two elves short, the Hunt held back the wave of vengeful Killers, managing to badly hurt beastman Bushwaker in the process before the halftime whistle.

With Wychwethyl still out of it, the Hunt received the first kick in the second half and went on the offence, creating a hole in the Killers defence in the wide zone and exploiting Sceolan's speed to it's fullest.  Despite his speed he was almost caught by Sara Fat, who fortunately tripped over her own tail to come crashing to the ground at his heels.  Sceolan then sprinted along the edge of the end zone in an effort to run down the clock a little bit, scoring when the Killers defenders started to close in.  With Wychwethyl back on his feet, the Hunt were electrified and blitzed the surprised Killers offence on the next kick off.  The Hunt drove in to the Killers end of the pitch quickly in an effort to recover their own kick, but beastman Jack the Ripper got there first, grabbed the ball, and prepared to pass it up to his teammates at midfield.  The Hunt now showed a new facet of their incredible speed, as Wychwethyl took three long strides forward and leapt into the air, grabbing the ball just as it left the hands of Jack the Ripper.  After this dramatic interception, he shoved the astonished Jack out of the way and sprinted into the end zone to bring the score to 3-0.  The successful play came at some cost as line-elf Cantea suffered a concussion at the hands of chaos warrior Gorsky the Russian Dancer way back at the line of scrimmage.

Thus reduced to nine elves once more, the Hunt kicked to the Killers and the Killers came at them with a vengeance.  The Killers offence swamped the Hunt who could not prevent beastman Ben Laden from knocking the lone defending elf in the wide zone out of the way and running the ball easily to score the one Killers touchdown of the game.  With only a few minutes left, the Hunt attempted to generate one more scoring opportunity but failed in the face of a stalwart Killers defence, and so ended the match at 3-1 for the Hunt.
 

530pm Monday, September 1st, 2003

The Fields Run Red: Bonestealers 2 Drakkar 1

 

The omens were unfavourable going into the Saturday match between the Blood Drakkar and the Brimstone Bonestealers, both teams contending to reach 1st place as round eight in Frog Conference completes this weekend. If the omens were inauspicious, then the first few minutes of the match confirmed them as Ogre Grossebouf was carried off the pitch badly hurt after a close encounter with mummy Dus "Liverburst" Nel-Etgath.  Nevertheless, the Stealers screwed up a passing play after ghoul Fangmouth Earchewer dropped a perfect pass form wight Karsk Fellfinger, and a fight for control of the ball occurred well inside Drakkar territory.  Somehow Fangmouth came up with the ball, running it in to score the first Stealers' touchdown, while in the meantime things went from bad to worse for the Drakkar, with mummy Anoth "Big Mummy" Tset bringing a bandaged fist down square on top of aptly named blitzer Erik Epitaf, killing him instantly. The Drakkar received the next kick but were immediately set upon by the aggressive Stealers, and control of the ball was once again in doubt.  The struggled continued without decision until the halftime whistle.

Shaken, but not yet stirred, the Drakkar received in the second half and were assisted by a legion of Drakkar fans who swarmed onto the field, taking skeleton Tragically Hipbone out of play and stunning both mummies and two other Stealers players. Taking full advantage of the chaos, the Drakkar rushed in to make sure none of the remaining Stealers could interfere with catcher Odin Belgraf who sprinted in to the Stealers' end zone to tie the game at 1-1. The Stealers came back with a vengeance on the next kick, however, and smashed directly into the center of the Drakkar defence, badly hurting lineman Erik Bathyscaf. Undeterred, the Drakkar went right after ball carrier Fangmouth, stunning him and knocking the ball out of play.  The ball was thrown back in at midfield, where thrower Thor Telegraf tried to dodge away from the looming Stealers players to grab it, only to trip on some of Anoth "Big Mummy" Tset's loose wrappings and falling flat on his face, which tragically resulted in his nose bone being shoved into his forebrain, and he died instantly.  Shortly afterwards, blizter Knut Paf threw himself at ghoul Mad Dog Marrowlips, but Marrowlips was too fast, grabbing Knut's head as he came in low and twisting violently.  Knut Paf slumped to the ground, lifeless, the third Drakkar player to die.  Marrowlips went on to pick up the ball and score the winning touchdown, whereupon the Drakkar fans had had enough and started a riot that ran out the remaining time on the clock.

The 2-1 Bonestealers victory returns them to first place in Frog Conference, only one point ahead of the second place Paladins.  The Drakkar, who remain in third place, suffered a serious blow to their fan base as so many Drakkar fans died fighting Bonestealers on the pitch and in the riots that ended and followed the game. By contrast there are now legions of additional Bonestealers fans whose now lifeless bodies once wore Drakkar colours.  Asked to comment about his former team, newly-appointed and slowly-deteriorating Assistant Coach Erik Epitaf of the Brimstone Bonestealers said:

"Perhaps they should change their name to Blood Sausage..."
 

4:30pm Monday, September 1st, 2003

The Untamed Shrew: Rats 2 Boozzhounds 0

 

No one know who exactly was responsible for the pitch invasion orchestrated by spectators in the stands of the Putrid Swamp Boozzhounds vs Rats de la Boule match on Saturday.  Some say it was a small yet efficient cadre of die-hard Rats fans, more say it was a gangland retribution for some trespass of Coach Jyst Dave, but the most popular theory is that it was agents of the Paladins who incited the fans to attack the Boozhounds on the field, aiming to do anything they could to cripple them before they have to play them in round 9. Whatever the truth may be, and we may never know, the enraged mob that stormed the field took a massive toll on the embattled orcs, with blitzer Jacky Dee suffering a concussion, and blitzers Dewar and Macallan knocked out along with lineorc Lar Batt.  The Rats swarmed across the line of scrimmage to inflict yet more mayhem, taking their time to score while they had the chance to beat up on the larger orcs for a change. The Hounds suffered several more players knocked out and both lineorc Slee Mon and blitzer Jimmy Beam badly hurt before rookie gutter runner Mulot Ratatoin moved the ball into the Hounds' end zone for the winning touchdown.  With only a few minutes left in the half, the two teams took swipes at each other with no result.

Still able to field only nice players in the second half against a full squad of Rats, the Hounds received the first kickoff and tried to develop a drive up the wide zone.  Unfortunately the Rats were all over them, smacking them around like naughty red-headed stepchildren, and goblin Hyney Ken lost the ball before even getting across the line of scrimmage. Gutter runner Hab il Dlabal recovered the ball and ran deep into the Hounds end, but was unsupported by his teammates who were abusing the black Orc contingent of the Hounds at midfield, and he was knocked prone by thrower Shooter, the loose ball dribbling out of bounds.  The ball was thrown in and recovered by Shooter, but he was brought down by the speedy Skaven, and Hab il Dlabal recovered from his earlier setback enough to grab the loose ball and dash into the Hounds end zone to make the score 2-0.  Both sides short handed after a drive in which the players seemed generally more interested in hurting each other than actually getting the ball, the Hounds once again tried to generate a drive but stalled at the line of scrimmage, and were not able to generate any momentum that would allow them to score before the final whistle blew. Voicing his frustration at the fans who pulled his team's teeth at the start of the match, Hounds' Coach Jyst Dave said:

"Oy I can understand our Fans not like'n our lack of bloodshed but in order for us to clobber the other guys we need our FRICKING PLAYERS ON THE RUDDY FIELD! THINK ABOUT THAT THE NEXT TIME WE PLAY!"

Amazingly, the Rats 2-0 victory signaled a decline in their briefly resurgent popularity.  Perhaps many fans left the match remembering why they hated the Rats so much in the first place...
 

1:30am Monday, September 1st, 2003

JavaBowl 6.4c Released!

 

Hard on the heels of 6.4b comes 6.4c.  You can get it in the downloads section. Fixes:

  • Ver C: Fixed the touchdown with sweltering heat problem.

Sounds important!  Guess we should all use it, eh?
 

9:00am Saturday, August 30th, 2003

In Hoc Signo Vinces: Crusaders 2 Barnacles 1

 

An important game in the waning rounds of the Dragon conference occurred last night as the Crypt Crusaders beat the Blistering Barnacles 2-1 to further extend their grasp on first place.  The action was intense as control of the ball passed back and forth after the initial Barnacles' kick, ultimately resulting in a remarkable play by skink Stil Slitherin, who dashed in amongst the Crusaders to recover the ball after ghoul Eaton Run failed to catch a pass from rookie ghould Boo Gheeman.  Stil Slitherin then dodged away from the Crusaders and lobbed a short pass to skink Sqwerman Norman who ran in to score.  The Barnacles almost scored again on their next kick due to a fumble by Eaton Run, who started getting dark looks from Coach Dragon in the dugout.  Nevertheless the Crusaders were able to prevent disaster, and, after attriting the Barnacles considerably by knocking several players out, managed to get the ball out of their end of the pitch.  The attrition continued, with kroxigor Bruntosaurus being knocked out, and skink Stil Slitherin having several ribs broken after a foul by the notorious Fhal Apart.  With only 5 players remaining, and 4 of those completely at the wrong end of the field, the Barnacles were not able to prevent the ghoul Tins Dago Bump from scoring a tying touchdown shortly before the halftime whistle.

Kicking in the second half, the Crusaders only narrowly managed to prevent a second Barnacles touchdown, turning around control at the middle of the half and driving back.  The Barnacles were now three lizards short as they fought on the defensive against a full Crusaders squad.  Their dogged defence lasted until finally Tins Dago Bump got a clean breakaway and scored his 2nd touchdown of the match a few minutes before the final whistle.  With insuffiicient time to score, the two teams traded blows, but the Crusaders won that contest too with mummy Bhandayd getting his 12th career casualty, smashing the hand of Cobra Commander as the final whistle blew.

This exciting match did not diminish the Barnacles chance for a playoff spot, but it did go a long way towards guaranteeing that Coach Dragon and the Crusaders would pick up first place accolades in Dragon Conference.
 

8:30am Saturday, August 30th, 2003

Nipple Twisting: Blighters 3 Warthogs 1

 

The first of the fifth round BuBBL Spike! Invitational Tourney games was played last night between the Blue Blighters and the Nipply Warthogs. Despite fumbling the reception, the Blighters quickly recovered and astounded the Warthogs (who had not thought to actually post any kind of defence, their entire team being occupied on or past the line of scrimmage) with the sheer speed of their gutter runners.  With a completely open pitch in front of him, gutter runner Snukit scored easily early in the half.  The Warthogs rallied and came rushing back, ripping an enormous hole in the Blighters defence, but utterly failing to translate that into a score as catcher Raoul "Grands Pantalons" Demeux slipped on a squig carcass and the ball flew out of his hands, just as he was about to make the penultimate hand-off to fellow catcher "Meat Glove" Peilings Kinninbownes.  Once again, Skaven speed came to the fore as linerat Gnashit spirited away the loose ball and the Blighters were off down the pitch again with little in their way.  Despite linerat Skars dropping a hand-off from Gnashit, he quickly recovered the ball and scored the second Blighters touchdown.  With little time left to score, the two teams contented themselves with bashing each other for sport, linerat Skippy (badly hurt in the fracas) being the only casualty of half.

AT the start of the second half the clear skies clouded over with alarming and a heavy blizzard started, rendering conditions treacherous.  Undeterred by the weather, the two teams soldiered on... the Warthogs thrower Gnass "Phlegm Rain" Riksvold fumbled a pass up the pitch and the ball was grabbed by Snukit and lobbed up the pitch, where linerat Klawfs picked it up and raced into the Warthogs end zone to bring the score to 3-0.  The Blizzard raged on and the Warthogs, desperate for a change in their fortunes, once again went on the offensive.  This time, the humans powered their way through the Blighters defence, and Raoul Demeux made up for his gaffe early in the game to score the only Warthogs touchdown of the match.  Finally the blizzard cleared and the two teams went at it again.  The Warthog's superior weight and armor finally started to tell in the final chapter of the game, as first thrower Skuppers was sent off badly hurt after butting heads with Gnass Riksvold, and then, tragically, linerat Sulks crushed his own skull, killing himself, trying to go head to head with blitzer Erik "Gibspacio" Dutmunt (c).  Although the gutter runners of the Blighters almost genertaed another touchdown, the Warthogs' defence was, this time, able to shut them down and the remainder of the game was scoreless.

As the second 3-1 loss in the row for the Warthogs, and the 4th defeat in 5 games, Coach Edwin must be trying to figure out what he has to feed his team to get them to win games.  Nevertheless, the team slowly garners valuable experience, which hopefully will bear fruit in the fullness of time.
 

5:45pm Friday, August 29th, 2003

Wackadoodle: Paladins 1 Mates 1

 

The air was filled with the sounds of grunting players, the clashing of armor, the rending of hair and the gnashing of many teeth as the Paladins took the field against Styg's Mates.  The fight was an even one, neither team able to gain a decisive advantage, but the Paladins fared only a little better than they had against the Brimstone Bonestealers in terms of casualties.  The Paladins got off to a strong start, with veteran Mates catcher Jean Lafitte getting ejected for fouling the prone line-elf Thorndyke and badly hurting lineman Captain Hook. Shortly after the middle of the half, the Paladins were able to knock the ball decisively form the hands of lineman Davey Jones, and line-elf The Farzan nabbed the loose ball, running it deep into the Mates undefended half, where he handed it off to rookie lion warrior M. K. Klaw who then scored his first career touchdown.  The Mates returned with a vengeance, and although the inability of thrower Dread Pirate Roberts to actually retrieve the ball eliminated any chance of scoring before the halftime whistle, the Mates laid into the defending Paladins with all their strength.  In the ensuing struggle, lineman Mad Dog Bonney delivered a clothesline to dragon warrior Grimrod that dislocated his neck... paralyzed and unable to break his fall, the back of his head was crushed in my a conveniently placed rock.  The Paladins' apothecary pronounced him dead at the scene, the 3rd Paladins player to die in 2 games.

It seemed to be a harbinger of a turn for the worse in the Paladins luck, for after receiving the kickoff in the second half, the Paladins were anticipated by the Mates defence and quickly beset.  Lineman Davey Jones took line-elf Jeeves out of play with a nasty block, and legnedarily strong blitzer Barbossa was able to hop over his prone body and run in to blitz M. K. Klaw, stunning him and knocking the ball loose.  Line-elf Silvermane recovered the bouncing ball and tried to run into the Mates end along the wide zone, but was ganged up on and knocked flat (joining the bulk of his team, on their backs).  Dread Pirate Roberts picked up the ball and threw it up pitch, but no one managed to catch it... the Paladins recovered enough to clear away the Mates players vying for the ball, M. K. Klaw grabbing the ball and passing it up to phoenix warrior Alex Hapsburg who dashed once again into the Mates end of the pitch.  Blitzer Henry Morgan caught him and brought him down, and another melee for possession occurred, resulting in Alex Hapsburg being knocked into the crowd and rendered unconscious, while at the same time on the other side of the field, Silvermane was given the same treatment, and wound up suffering from a more serious concussion.  With only 5 players left on the pitch, the Paladins were unable to prevent catcher One-Eyed Willy from gathering up the ball and running it all the way to the end zone to tie the match at 1-1.  Able to field only 6 players on the last drive, the Paladins nevertheless managed to play safety, preventing any further damage.

A tough game for the Paladins, one that puts their place at #1 in Frog conference in jeopardy and leaves them most likely shorthanded for their upcoming match against the Putrid Swamp Boozzhounds.
 

4:00pm Friday, August 29th, 2003

Temporary Alternate Proxy Server

 

Due to some difficulties with games being dumped on Bob's proxy server, I have started one here.  IP is 24.200.97.150, port is 8081.  Hopefully it will be more stable.  The safest way to run games currently is by direct hosting, although this can be tricky to set up if you have NAT.
 

1:00am Friday, August 29th, 2003

JBB Replay 5.6 Available

 

Just noticed that JBB Replay is up to version 5.6.  Don't know what the changes are, but it must be at LEAST 0.3 better, right?  Now available in the downloads section.
 

12:30am Friday, August 29th, 2003

Scavengers vs Carrion: Smashers 2 Flesh 0

 

The Drakehead Smashers won their fourth straight victory last night over the Creeping Flesh, beating them 2-0 after a drawn out struggle that the Flesh certainly got the worst of.  The Smashers wasted no time... on reception of the first kick, saurus Godisdead ploughed into zombie Decay, fracturing his rotten arm.  The sauruses of the Smashers them caged up around skink George who had the ball and drove a strong wedge up the wide zone, precipitating more heavy fighting as wight battled lizard.  A confused melee erupted with the combatants tightly packed together and fighting rabidly.  The ball was knocked loose and dribbled amongst the battling players, both side seeking advantage, until wight Plagued knocked himself trying to retrieve it from between two sauruses, and the ball bounced into the hands of skink Godzouky, who saw an opening an ran for it.  An opening it was, and Godzouky sprinted away from the wrestling knot of players, scoring the winning touchdown late in the half.  The Flesh received the next kick and drove back in fine form but suffered more casualties as skeleton Underfed suffered a pinched nerve (skeletons have NERVES?) at the tender hands of saurus JustGod, and, more importantly, mummy Plank suffered a smashed knee when saurus BigGod swept him to the ground with his heavy tail.  Shortly thereafter, ghoul Disturbed was tripped up trying to run past the Smashers' defence, and the hopes of a return score before the end of the half were dashed.

In the second half, teh Flesh drove forward once more and another pitched battle occured at center field, bodies flying every which way.  The Flesh generally got the worst of it, losing skeleton Malnourished badly hurt and losing zombie Rot knocked out, but, soon after Goddamn was almost ejected from the game for fouling skeleton Gaunt (smashing his hand), the ball got knocked of the field and was thrown back in by sympathetic fans just a couple of feet form the Smashers' end zone.  Seeing the glorious opportunity, ghoul Deranged sprinted over and tried to grab the loose ball, but before he could get his hands on it, Saurus Godzilla hit him from behind, sending him flying into the end zone and stunning him.  This was the final nail in the literal coffin for the Flesh, as the Smashers hemmed them in and prevented them form interfering with skink Godbless picking up the ball and running the pitch end to end, scoring the second Smashers' touchdown just before the final whistle.

The Smashers are becoming the team to watch in the BuBBL Tourney.  At their current rate they are favoured to win and gain the privilege of being placed in A division in the DragonBowl II season.
 

12:00am Friday, August 29th, 2003

Rats and the Women Who Hate Them: Machine 2 Divas 1

 

The Frog Machine managed to remain in playoff contention after beating the Lustria Divas 2-1 last night.  The Machine got off to a shaky start as their initial drive was shut down and turned around by the Divas, as linewoman Molly blitzed gutter runner Skratsquick Terzo taking advantage of the complete lack of Machine defence to run the ball into the end zone for the first touchdown of the game. You can't keep a good rat down though, and upon receiving the second kick of the game, the Machine stormed through the middle of the Divas defence, Skratsquick Terzo spiking the ball in the end zone for the tying touchdown just after linewoman Torrie Wilson was ejected for roughing, and linewoman Cindy 2.0 was run smacked aside by rat ogre Rendflesh Salivar, giving her a concussion and putting her down for the count.  With only minutes left in the half, a heavy downpour prevented any meaningful play from developing and the halftime whistle blew.

The Divas were much reduced in the second half, able to field only nine players against the Machine's full squad.  Just as the kick off occured the rain stopped and the sun came out, drying the sodden players, and the Divas immediately caged up at midfield and tried to press across the line of scrimmage. Heavy fighting erupted with both sides losing players to knock outs, but the Divas cage was disrupted by the rampaging of Rendflesh Salivar and the nimble skaven who took advantage of the ensuing chaos.  Storm vermin Throtvile Primo thenmanaged to knock over Divas catcher Dawn with a well assisted blitz and Skratsquick once again dashed in to pick up the ball and run for the Divas end zone.  Although the Divas had been reduced to only 6 effectives on field after the melee, blitzer Trish managed to catch Skratsquick, tripping him up a few yards short of the end zone, and despite the best efforts of the Machine, recovered the ball and passed it to Stacey who had managed to get clear of the melee.  Stacey was not able to avoid the fast moving Rendflesh, and was knocked prone after a valiant struggle.  Finally the loose ball was picked up again by Skratsquick who ran it in to score the winning touchdown.  The final kick with only a short time left in the game almost turned into a tragedy for the Divas, who decided to play it safe... but thrower Stacey incorrectly judged the speed of her Skaven opponents, and with two few defending Divas to cover all the holes, the Machine storm vermin were able to charge her and knock her over, Throtvile Primo managing to recover the loose ball.  things looked grim and a 3rd Machine touchdown seemed inevitable, but for the sudden desire of Rendflesh to go a sudden end of game rampage... the out of control rat ogre dashed over to the nearest Diva and delivered such a wild swing with one massive paw that he missed entirely and wound up spinning around and falling on his ass.  The distraction was JUST enough to prevent Throtvile from getting across the touchdown line before the final whistle sounded.

The Frog Machine's victory puts them in 2nd place overall in Dragon Conference, pending the outcome of the Blistering Barnacles vs the 1st place and undefeated Crypt Crusaders match tomorrow.