2:00pm Monday, May 24th, 2004

Valkyries Claim Valkyrites: Six Dead in Ten Games

 A

The Mass Killers are back on top of their game after early season growing pains, defeating the Brimstone Bonestealers 1-0 on Friday, then going on to crush the Frog Machine 2-1 on Monday. Although the Killers had a tough time inflicting casualties on the Undead Bonestealers, they had no such difficulties against the Skaven Machine, inflicting 6 casualties and putting themselves back in the race both for Frog Conference leader and bashiest team. Their main competition in the bashy department are the Blood Drakkar, who they face later this week.  That's the game to watch folks!

The Slicers and Bad Dicers also had two games in relatively short succession, battling to a 1-1 draw vs the Frothy Steins on Saturday, a no-holds-barred brawling match in which HarryPalms was very nearly killed (saved by the quick action of the Steins Apothecary) and then soundly defeating the Blood Drakkar 3-0 on Sunday. The Drakkar suffered mightily at the hands of the Orcs, veteran lineman Harald Ilsefclaf slain by black orc ShagHigh Beef as the game wound down, amongst other injuries. The only serious injury suffered by the Dicers was goblin Spring, Roll and Score who suffered a career ending damaged back. The Dicers now find themselves tied with the Steins for 1st in Dragon Conference.
 

 B

The Spermosaurs woes continued with a 4-3 defeat at the hands of the Banner Guard Bloods. A fast paced game, the Bloods picked up an early 2-1 lead, after which the two teams traded touchdowns until the final whistle, the Spermosaurs never quite able to make up the deficit. This match extends the battle-weary Spermosaurs winless streak to 6 games, although it should be noted that Coach Candyman was not present for the game, having some pressing "business" to attend to, his place being filled by fellow Dark Elf coach Les Paul.

The Mad Howlers effected a narrow 2-1 victory over the Horny Babes on Saturday, managing to come back against the Babes 1-0 lead, scoring twice late in the 2nd half after attrition started to take it's toll on the outnumbered Babes. Despite considerable on-pitch violence, the casualties were relatively light, both teams being heavily armoured, but what few there were fell in favour of the Howlers. A close game with a nail-biting finish... The Howlers then went on to defeat the True Panzies 3-0 in a brutal game of "Smash the Elf", causing line-elf CreamPuff to become a tragic fatal casualty.
 

 C

Wedneday night Bloodbowl saw the Deadman Duo + Band held to a 2-2 draw by the Avenging Mutants, who managed to make a miraculous comeback from a 2-0 deficit in the last quarter of the game. Following a lightning touchdown by beastman Koz to make it 2-1, the Mutants kicked to the Deadmen. Werewolf Franz fumbled the pickup, and the beastmen stormed through the scrimmage line of zombies to push Franz aside and dominate the ball, beastman Blozej picking up the ball, keeping his feet in the face of frenzied forays by the furious Franz. He then broke away from the groaning undead and handed off to the waiting Koz, who sped into the end zone to tie the game with seocnds to spare. Truly a sight to behold!

The Lords of Entropy narrowly defeated the Orcish Anatomical Anomaly 1-0, ending the Lords four game winless streak. A riot that lasted for much of the first half preceded a see-sawing brawl between the two teams that ended the 1st half without score. The Lords were on top of the game in the 2nd, however, managing to strip away the ball form the receiving Anomaly and physically dominate the field, scoring the winning touchdown late in the half.  During the fighting the Anomaly took a hard loss: their experienced blitzer Ulcerating Papules had his larynx crushed under the hob nailed boot of notorious dirty player Ator Vastatin, an injury that proved fatal. Coach Dr. Nasty of the Anomaly has been known to hold a grudge... these two teams next meeting will undoubtedly prove interesting!

A disastrous game for the Valkyrie High Schoolgirls, Coach Big Boss regretfully conceding the match against the Syzygy Oxymorons after only 1/3rd of regulation time and 3 deaths. The initial Oxymorons drive left a trail of dead Amazons all the way to the Schoolgirls end zone: first string blitzer Sidney Bristow and experienced linewomen Cherry Lips and Seven Ofboob all savagely kill by the rampaging Dwarves. The concession ended the game at 1-0 for the Morons, the colour announcer crying "Oh, the Humanity" as the fallen Amazons were carried reverently from the field. Although a hard loss for the Schoolgirls, their healthy bank account ensures that a good part of their lost womanpower will be made up quickly, although morale is undoubtedly now a serious problem in the Valkyrie High locker room...
 

6:00pm Saturday, May 22th, 2004

Tongue-tied: Toys 2 Tongues 1
Madame Heidi, Boy Toys

 C

YOU ARE WATCHING GSN, the Groupie Sports Network...Sports, from the Groupies perspective. Lana is on assignment, your host tonight is Peaches de la Creme.

Peaches is curled up between Abs of Steel and Strong Hands. She giggles and whispers a few words to both players. Cameraman politely coughs and finally gets her attention.

Peaches: *giggle* Oh my! How embarrassing! Ladies and gentlemen, and especially the ladies, this is, like, you know, the stars of today's game, Abs of Steel and Strong Hands. *giggle* You guys, were, like, awesome out there *giggle*

Abs: (blushes) Aw shucks miss Peaches, we were only doing what we do best, nothin' much.

Peaches: Puh-lease sweetie pie, you were, like, fantastic! *giggle* You too Strong Hands.

SH: Well, you know, we had to do better than last time... the Oxymorons kinda caught us by surprise, you know, with our pants down.

Peaches: *giggle* Pants down! *giggle* Come on Strong honey, you don't have to talk about the stuff we do after the game *giggle* But seriously, I noticed that you guys were, like, rather slow at certain points, why is that?

Abs: Well, I think Nuffle kinda stopped the game twice...and of course we had to wait. And when Nuffle decides to stop a game, you better not bother him... gotta wait 'til the game restarts.

SH: Didn't stop us from winning though.

Abs: Too bad Dark and Handsome couldn't make it...

Peaches: I know. Like, his ribs are still sore... Anything to say about the Tongues? *giggle* Tongues... *giggle* (blushes)

SH: That's the Death Tongues, Peaches... and stop blushing... you shouldn't be thinking things like that.

Abs: Yeah, come on... think about that when we're not around. You know, I could see you winking and Limekiller when he scored a TD. What's up with that?

Peaches: Awww, like, you know, you're the only BloodBowl players for me...

Suddenly Madame Heidi walks in covered in feathers.

Abs: Oh my... What happened boss?

MH: I was talking with Opus, commented on my lack of fouling... I think he misunderstood what I said because he started ranting about poultry and next thing I know my Gucci dress is covered in dead chicken feathers...

Peaches: *giggle* Feathers...*giggle* I think I should use feathers for...

MH: Why don't you just keep that to yourself missy... where's your other little trollop, Lana?

Camera suddenly flashes to the Tongues locker room. Lana is sitting by Cutter John's bed, nursing his wounds.

CJ: Uhm, this is all nice miss Lana, but shouldn't you be with your players?
 

6:00pm Wednesday, May 19th, 2004

Elves Get Trounced: Everyone Gets a Turn

 B

The Funeral March defeated the True Panzies 2-0 Tuesday night, adding to the unfortunate High Elf teams' now 3 game losing streak. The much heavier and more experienced March dominated the field quite solidly, blitzers Unholy Hooker and Dim Witted scoring one each for the team, although the Panzies put up a good struggle. Although warriors Timid and Pussy wound up nursing a concussion and a fractured arm respectively, the Panzies were able to escape any more lasting injuries.
 

 C

The Marauders had the honour of ending the Filthy Whoresons' 5 game unbeaten streak, narrowly defeating them 2-1. The Whoresons rookie blitzer Sopinka scored an early touchdown, and managed to shut out the Marauders for the rest of the half, but the second half was all downhill. Already four players short, the Whoresons suffered 3 KOs in the first few minutes of the 2nd and were unable to prevent blitzer Cletus from scoring a tying touchdown. Blitzed on the following kick, the weakened Whoresons were overrun, and after a protracted melee Human thrower Carl scored the winning touchdown with a minute to spare. A big game for the Marauders, who show what they are capable of after a lukewarm season start.

The Dirty Bastards soundly defeated Guitarmageddon 2-0, overrunning the Dark Elf team in 94 minutes of play. 45,000 fans looked on as the Chaos Dwarves caged around Disgraziato and pushed inexorably to the Guitamageddon end zone. The 2nd half was a wild melee for control of the ball as it repeatedly changed hands at center field... however is was the Bastards who came out of it in control, and Disgraziato rushed into the end zone to make his 2nd touchdown with minutes to spare. As the final whistle blew Coach Carlo the Despoiler was heard screaming across the field "That's payback for the 'S' you *CENSORED CENSORED*"...
 

3:00am Tuesday, May 18th, 2004

Bloody Olaf: Blood Drakkar Top the Bashy List

 A

The Blood Drakker defeated the lukewarm Brimstone Bonestealers 2-0 in the first game of a iron man double header, outmaneuvering and out-hitting the former Dragonbowl champions. Star catcher Bjorn Bellegaf did the honours on both touchdowns for his team, while his teammates put the smack down in the undead. Zara the Slayer made her first ever DragonBBL debut to the thunderous cheers of half the crowd and the booing hissing, spitting, shrieking and wailing of the other half. Zara was ejected at the half, however, for possessing illegal weapons on the pitch. The Drakkar nevertheless scored 5 casualties while suffering only 1 in return, so it seems like they had things well in hand without the extra muscle.

The Blood Drakkar then immediately went on to lose a nail-biter of a match 2-1 against the Rongeurs Flamboyants. The two teams went at each other like ravenous weasels, seemingly intent on mutual destruction. The game tied 1-1 until the final moments when the Rongeurs pulled a surprise ball robbery and relay to Rat ZeMotte, who scored the winning touchdown on a clean breakaway in the final moments. The casualties were heavy on both sides (7 against the Skaven, 6 against the Norse), with veteran Norse thrower Heidrun Vraimentpaf getting killed late in the 2nd half by Fier à Rat's mighty blow, and, seconds later, Rat Vageur tripping over a Norse beer bottle and fatally snapping his own neck. A truly exciting game which was up in the air until the final moments...

The Short and Surly shut out and shut down the Frog Machine, beating them 1-0 in a match truncated by rioting in the first quarter, as Chaos Dwarven hooligans mistook a large group of Skaven supporters for a live buffet. Although the Surly were (uncharacteristically) unable to inflict any casualties whatsoever on the Machine [Ed: possibly due to Ag the Horny taking a long nap for the duration after suffering a light tap to the noggin in the first played turn of the first half], they did (again uncharacteristically) nearly completely deny any Skaven access to the ball. Skaven players touched the ball on only two occasions during the match, in both cases failing to pick it up entirely [Ed: I delusionally thought maybe I had held the ball for a short time, but on reviewing the replay I see that this is false.  Never held it, not even once...]. The entire rest of the time, the ball remained solidly in Surly possession, the Machine unable to do anything about it as they floundered about the field as though all their bootlaces had been knotted together. As hobgoblin Shitless crossed the line for the winning goal and the final whistle blew, the Machine players dragged themselves off the pitch, thanking Nuffle they were all in one piece...
 

 B

The Sylvan Supersonics scored a decisive 3-1 victory over the Horny Babes, boosting themselves into the number 1 spot in Dragon Conference. The Sonics came out in good form, rapidly running the score up to 3-0 in the 1st half, but slowly the heavier Babes started to make themselves felt, and as the 2nd half dragged on the Sonics found themselves with half their players in the dugout nursing blows to the head, neck and chest. Against this grinding attrition, the Sonics could make no further progress, the Babes owned the field, scoring a touchdown of their own late in the game. A solid debut for the Babes rookie minotaur Kalima, and a good sign that the Babes are returning to good after a tough streak of injuries and deaths.
 

3:30pm Monday, May 17th, 2004

I Cry For Quenya: Weekend Bloodbowl Action

 A

Saturday saw the Screaming Midgets break their 4-game slump by defeating the Putrid Swamp Boozzhounds 2-0, breaking that team's 3-game winning streak. Midgets star runner Longjohn Steammy was in fine form, picking up both touchdowns for his team. The Hounds play was somewhat lethargic, possibly from a certain sense of overconfidence, a sense that must surely have been shattered with the death of 39 game veteran Hounds blitzer Jimmy Beam, who was pushed into the crowd at the end of the first half and mauled to death. Despite this tragedy, the heavily muscled Orcs seemingly unable to make an impression on the armoured Dwarves in return.  Seems like this may have been a much-needed shot in the arm for the Midgets!

Sunday night heralded another Dwarven victory as the Frothy Steins administered a sharp 2-1 defeat on the Wild Hunt, earning the Steins a 2nd place spot in Dragon Conference. Elven mobility proved fruitless against the Dwarven juggernaut, the defeat made more bitter by the death of veteran line-elf Quenya at the hands of the berserk troll slayer Ooglie. Solid Steins ball control kept the Hunt from picking up more than 1 touchdown, scored by mega-star Sceolan, while equally mega-star HarryPalms picked up both touchdowns for the Steins.
 

 B

The Specialists of Acrobatic Warfare, guest coached by General Taoli, managed to soundly defeat the Anatomical Anomaly 3-1, although a mere 15,000 fans were on hand to witness it. The victory came at some cost as the weak Specialists suffered further injury at the hands of the vengeful Orcs, Swashbuckler out with a fractured arm, and Knight suffering a possibly career-ending broken neck. The Specialists, with their 3-1-1 record are going strong, but are still seeking to fill their Head Coach position on a permanent basis.

It was battle of the High Elves as the Banner Guard Bloods went to town on the True Panzies, beating them 4-1. The play was fast and furious, both teams hitting hard, but ultimately it was the more experienced Bloods who were able to convert the opportunities to touchdowns. A tough game for the Panzies, who are so far struggling this season against the better developed teams of B Division, and aside from the bumps and bruises, line-elf Cream Puff came off the field early with a badly smashed hand. One of the newer Bloods lion warriors, El Cid, was seen to be limping after the match as well though he has suffered no discernable injury during play.

The Spermosaurs played a double header Sunday night, suffering two defeats in the row, losing to the Old Ones 2-1 and then going straight into a match vs the Funeral March and losing 2-1 against them. The Old Ones took full advantage of the weak state of the Spermosaurs, waging attrition warfare and controlling the ball and the clock to score the winning touchdown in the final seconds of the match.  The Funeral March used similar tactics, ending the 1st half tied 1-1, but controlling the ball for the entire second half, grinding down the Spermos and scoring the winning touchdown at the tail end on the half. Fortunately for the Spermosaurs, no additional permanent injuries were suffered by their already badly battered roster.
 

 C

The Dark Elven Darkness defeated the Light Elven Durengard Bombers 2-1 in a close fought match Sunday night. Rookie witch elf Metalmiser the Smasher was the star of the evening, scoring both Darkness touchdowns and earning the team MVP. Both teams managed to avoid any serious casualties, a fact well appreciate by the Bombers who have had a dreadful series of deaths and injuries early this season.
 

5:30pm Saturday, May 15th, 2004

Wouldst Tell Wood Elf? Specialists Seek New Head Coach

 

Due to time constraints, Admiral Zarkad is stepping down as Head Coach of the Specialists of Acrobatic Warfare. If you are an out of work coach seeking employment, this opportunity may be for you! The Specialists have merely 4 games under their belt and are in excellent condition... view their roster here. All applications please address themselves to admin@soapyfrog.net. The only restriction that applies is that you must not already be coaching a DragonBBL team, and are willing to adhere to the schedule and rules posted upon this site.

Be all that you can be! Coach DragonBBL!
 

5:30pm Saturday, May 15th, 2004

Fresh Blood for Killers: Kolvin Dragonsbane Sworn in as Killers Coach

 

After Head Coach Stork's willful abandonment of his pack of murderous thugs, the Mass Killers, the reigning DragonBowl champions found themselves leaderless after a lackluster (scorewise, anyway) 2-0-2 Season III start.

Head Coach Kolvin Dragonsbane, formerly of the lizardmen Drakehead Smashers, and also owner of the War League squad, the Exalted Celestials stepped up to the challenge of harnessing the bloodthirsty energy of the heavily armed Chaos squad. Although having some initial teething (fanging?) problems, Coach Dragonsbane's commitment to maintaining the stellar violence of the Killers gameplay is sure to yield spectacular results.  We can only watch with a mixture of dread and glee...
 

4:00pm Saturday, May 15th, 2004

Dielectric Vestibule: Oxymorons 3 Toys 0
Madame Heidi, Boy Toys

 C

YOU ARE WATCHING GSN, the Groupie Sports Network...Sports, from the Groupies perspective. Here are your host Peaches de la Creme and Lana Banana.

Peaches: (compact in hand, she fluffs her hair and checks her make up. She suddenly realizes the camera is on her) Oh my gawd! *giggle* How gauche of me! *Giggle* I"m Peaches, and this is my co-host and bestest gf in the world, Lana.

Lana: Hiyaaaa! *Giggle* Like, ya know, we just finished watching the Boy Toys play against the Oxymorons and... (pauses and stares at Peaches) Oh my gawd! Are those new hoop earrings Peaches? Like you didn't tell me you went shopping!

Peaches: Like, I was on my lunch break and I saw them and they were, like, ya know, to die for! But please, Lana, the game...like, *giggle* we're on camera...

Lana: *giggle* Oh my gawd, I completely forgot! So, we just finished watching the game and may I say that, like, I'm totally pissed that Abs had to miss the game because of his injury.

Peaches: I know, I went to his room after the last game, and, ya know, we couldn't even cuddle...

Lana: Like, it's soooo unfair... anyway. The Oxymorons came on the field and I couldn't understand why they were so small. Like, I thought they were Skaven!

Peaches: Like, duh, Lana, they're dwarves...

Lana: *giggle* I know, ya know...

Peaches: *giggle* yeah...

Lana: So, our Boys started off strong with Boyish Charm - kiss kiss honey! - holding on to the ball... But then, like, he lost it and it all went downhill from there...

Peaches: Like, we thought, like, ya know, that with dwarves, they're small, ya know, the Boys could score more often...

Lana: Yeah, but the dwarves all have block and that's sucks (pouts)

Peaches: So, basically, the Oxymorons scored the first touchdown of the game and the Boys were down, like, to 6 players.

Lana: Oh my gawd, it was, like, sooooo scary... And Smouldering Eyes - I love you sugar bear! - was badly hurt.

Peaches: He's not the only to have gotten hurt, like, ya know, Dark and Handsome - hugs and kisses baby! - he's seriously injured... and he promised me, like, we were going to go on a date tomorrow night! I can't be seen with a player in a wheel chair!! (starts panicking) Oh my gawd! The Elf Groupies are gonna, like, make fun of me!

Lana: Chill girl! Like, the dwarves got hurt too. Dusty's got a broken back...

Peaches: Whatever! I'm, like so sad that our Boys couldn't even score a touchdown...at one point, there were, like, only 4 players on the field... it's, like, ya know...

Lana: yeah... I know...

Peaches: Well, props to the Oxymorons anyway. They, like, really got the crowd going, ya know, with, like scoring 3 touchdowns..

Lana: Props to Voidness, Sandee and Gingantor! *Giggle* Ya know, their beards are cute...

Peaches: Lana! *Giggle* Like, you are such a flirt!

Lana: Like, *giggle* I think one of them winked at me... *giggle*

Peaches: You wish! Like, it was a good game despite the, like, constant lack of Boys on the field...

Lana: You've been watching GSN, *giggle* See ya, like, next week!

 

4:00pm Saturday, May 15th, 2004

50% More White Meat: Whoresons 3 Guitarmageddon 2
Coach Buttercup, Filthy Whoresons

 C

What a wild and woolly game, sports fans! 52000 fans rose in support from their elf-tunnels to watch elf versus elf action, vanilla versus chocolate (dark that is) in the razmatazz game of Division C. The musicians versus the cartoon author judges...

The guitar heroes decline the opening kickoff, giving first beats to their fairer cousins. First turn sees the ejection of Cardozo as the glitter of his brass knuckes caught the eye of the ref as the sun peeped out from the clouds after the kickoff. The only two casualties of the game caused by Filthy blocking occur in the first two blocks of the game... Nuffle was to have a large hand in this affair.

The Whoresons pick up the ball and cage in midfield, after sending out Vidal and Waugh as the receiving threats. A dash for the lower sidezone occurs, and a tunnel of elves is formed with Thrower Bacon keeping the ball in his slippery (yet somehow agile-looking) hands. (The first of two fumbles recovering the ball occuring early in the game).

A quick handoff to Waugh is followed by the quick pass to Larson who runs into the hole created near the goalline by the resolute blitzing of Vidal, the star (if not the MVP) of the light elf side. Larson crosses into the endzone, feeling strangely more experienced.

The return (short) kickoff is retrieved at the line of scrimmage by the Dark Elf line, and the ball is placed securely in the hands of Tom Morello, who Rages against the Machine as he screams up the pitch, defended by the Tenacious (d)uo of Jack Black and Kyle Gass.

Witch Elf Tegan, confused as if transported by a tardis, finds herself waking up in the dugout, revived from a vicious beating by the Whoresons' fans. The elfpower necessary to put Tegan into the stands proves disastrous, however, as the thinly-spread defenders cannot stop the sure feet and lightning-fast fingers of Eddie Van Halen, receiver of Tom Morello's bounty. Waugh blitzes his (her?) maximum distance to snatch at Eddie's heels, as Vidal slips on gory bannana peel thrown in front of him as he tries to dodge his way past Zakk Wylde (no relative to the sadly deceased catcher Wilde, late of the Whoresons).

With the clock rapidly ticking downwards, the Whoresons have time for one last passing play before the end of the half. A lucky break on the kickoff gives Bacon the ball, and he drops back behind his line waiting for his receivers to get open. Miraculously, Tegan's frenzied blocking fails to bring down Waugh, famous for his (her?) calm nerves, but leaves Waugh dancing away from the 'geddon fans. Bacon then runs forward, hugging the sideline to avoid the swarming middle-backs of the 'geddon team and a possible interception, when the ball slips out of his recently-manicured hands.

In the dying seconds of the first half, the 'geddon fans scream like a Yngwie Malmsteen solo as both Waugh and Bacon are forced into the crowd by blitzing and frenzied blockers. Waugh is seriously injured, his ribs crushed by the dark embrace. Bacon is more fortunate, and is revived by the pit crew just prior to the start of the second half.

Score at the half: 1-1.

The Whoreson's kickoff goes deep, but Jack Black retrieves the ball and throws it to the secure hands of Tom Morello, still warmed up (as if he was a flaming buddist monk) from his last touchdown drive.

Notwithstanding the pressure on the 'geddon receivers, who swarm down the field, Morello passes to Tevan who escapes the clutches of Vidal, and races in for the score.

The 'geddon team, reinvigorated by their come-from-behind lead, blitz the Filthy line, energy-filled like the Hells Angels at Altamontv - the depleted Whoresons line barely managing to hold. Only the failure of Jack Black, who over-exerted himself once too often, prevented a disaster for the Whoresons.

A pass into traffic by Bacon to Vidal is bobbled but caught, notwithstanding the interference and pressure exerted by the safety Zakk Wylde. Some fancy footwork ensues, and Vidal hears the screaming of the crowd as he scores, tying the game 2 all.

On the following kickoff, Tegan breaks through the thin blue line, and forms the center a formidable cage, only steps from the Whoreson's endzone. Morello (having caught the kickoff) passes the ball into the cage, where it is faithfully guarded by no less than four defensive virtuosos.

However, Vidal, fresh from his recent offensive success, slams Kerry King's head into the ground, sending him off where the 'geddon apothocary desperately tries smelling salts, but to no avail. Tegan, feeling the pressure surrounding the cage, retreats back to Morello, who is using the Black/Gass combo along with the Wylde free safety as a protective posse. Suddenly, Tegan's velvet glove slips off and the ball is fumbled just outside the secondary cage.

Bacon uses his newfound "scamper-training" (held bi-annually with the "swanning about and prancing" lessons) to snatch the ball from Tegan's grasping hands, and throws it to the sprinting lineman Shultz, who catches the ball as if thrown by the Red Baron himself. As the ball crosses midfield, Jack Black throws his considerable bulk towards the slightly-built Shultz, only to trip at the last minute. "Curse You!!" he is heard to shout as his head hits the turf.

Shultz heads for the sidelines as Bacon sprints down the middle towards the endzone, both teams scrambling to get the superior field position. Tegan attemps a blitz, but is tripped up at the last minute by Cube, who has rushed downfield to mark Tegan. Seizing this opportunity, Shultz heads close to the endzone, but cannot risk the sprint to the score, as all second chances have been used up this game.

What happens next, sports fans, can only be described as an classic example of Nuffle giving, and then taking away.

Thoreau's block takes both himself and Kyle Gass out, leaving a gap in the elf line for the blitzing abilities of Tom Morello, who singlehandedly knocks Shultz to the ground, stunning him. Strong safety Zakk Wilde sprints for the ball, recovering it. Time to throw the ball downfield and potentially score, he thinks, as he turns away to give himself a clear line of sight to his intended receiver. Tragically, his left ankle gives way, and in falling, he shatters his lower vertebrae, severing his spinal cord. The ball bounces into the space between Tom Morello, Bacon and Jack Black, all of whom scramble to retrieve it. Only the timely application of a warpstone-enhanced healing poultice saves the 'geddon team from a gruesome casualty.

Taking advantage of the situation, Vidal rushes into the crush, knocking Morello prone. Bacon sees a clear view on the ball and pounces on it, denying it to the wildly thrashing Jack Black. Diving for the end zone Bacon scores as the final whistle of the half blows.

Victory for the Whoresons. 3-2. The crowd erupts and fights break out all over elfville. The 'geddon fans are heard grumbling as they leave the field "next time, just wait until next time".

 

4:00pm Saturday, May 15th, 2004

Check Mates: Mates 2 Steins 1
Coach Bik Dutkus, Frothy Steins

 A The Steins showed up without HarryPalms, who was so confident in a Steins victory, decided to take an extra week off to rest.. regardless the Steins came out hitting hard, KO'ing 1 and BH'ing a few more before the game was a few turns old...

Fielding only 2 ag 2 players, the Steins fumbled their way up the pitch, slowly advancing after losing and recovering the ball several times (curse you, Barbossa!!) before finally crossing the goal line with 2 turns to play... big mistake!

Styg's Mates came back in full force and with speed, streaking down the sideline and bh'ing Chugger (Harry's latest understudy) before One Eyed Willy tied up the score with only seconds left on the half.

Receiving the ball in the second half, the Mates attempted a similar play and again speed won out over sheer stumpiness! By turn 3, One Eyed Willy again crossed the Steins line, putting the Mates ahead 2-1.

Down to a single ag3 player, the Steins offence was limited in options.. this time around, the Mates kicked the ball deep and swarmed the Steins side of the field, marking as many dorfs as possible.. the ball changed possession pretty much every turn until the 7th, when the Steins suddenly had a glimmer of hope to still tie the game, with trollslayer Ooglie running down the pitch screaming like a banshee... unfortunately some poor coaching decisions and a pinch of Nuffle kept the Steins from completing the comeback attempt, with Ooglie unable to catch the ball in the clear, with seconds left to play.

Neither team suffered any lasting injury (except for Dread Pirate Roberts, who now has a wonky hip), and Harry's decision to sit this one out spread out the SPP, which was sorely needed for the Frothy "One Man Show" Steins.

 
4:00pm Saturday, May 15th, 2004

Death and the Skaven: Rongeurs 3 Machine 0
Coach Soapyfrog Nullset, Frog Machine

 A The Rongeurs Flamboyants defeated the Frog Machine 3-0, hitting "Steins" on the Bashy index, falling just short of a "Drakkar" level drubbing. Thankfully it was a long way off from a dreaded "Surly".

And the score. Ouch. DAMN SKAVEN! (er, not you froggy fellows of course). Slitha did a great job of zipping around the field horning people, but when it came time to REALLY hustle and score, he invariably went down flat on his face. Even Skrittar seemed out of sorts, tripping over GrrRaaaT's tail at the end of the 1st half.

It was brutal... the high pitched squealing of frog-suited Skaven filled the air, until the team was reduced to three desperate players, back to back against the sideline, frothing madly, eyes wild in terror...  Coach Nullset was seen hiding in a barrel of gator aide, while more than half the team feigned unconsciousness. Malkrit Dezimo, 37 game veteran, was reduced to a bloody pulp under the mighty fists of GrrRaaaT... the Machine apothecary Vilebroth refused to venture on to the field to try and revive the mangled linerat, for fear of getting overrun by the still frenzying rat ogre.

The only real casualty suffered by the Rongeurs as they performed their blender routine was a rookie linerat who accidentally impaled himself on Viskrin Novo's stiletto as the heavily clawed veteran cowered in fear. Novo didn't celebrate long before coming off the field with a sore jaw, claiming he just couldn't play through the pain, and needed a nice vacation in the South Sewers...

In short, a miserable showing by the Machine, and a bloodsoaked end to their 3-game bloodsoaked winning streak.

 
4:00pm Saturday, May 15th, 2004

Even Flow: Mutants 1 Toys 1
Madame Heidi, Boy Toys

 C (In the Boy Toys lockeroom, Madame Heidi takes a look at her bruised players and announces:)

Madame Heidi: I see Nuffle was playing in your favor. I'm proud of you.. all of you.. we got some good money today...

Hot & Sexy: Madame, we did our best... I apologize for not getting the win though.

MH: Quite alright, Sexy... at least our Fan Factor went up. That's always good. I'm quite proud of you Strong Hands. You lived up to your name...

Strong Hands (blushes profusely): Aww shucks, it was nothing Madame. I did my best.

MH: Which is more than I can say for you Tight Buns... how long were you unconscious?

(TB doesn't say a word, lowers his head in shame. He raises his eyes to Madame Heidi...)

STB: At least I didn't need the medic... (gives an evil glance to Hot & Sexy). You know, others would have liked having the option of using the apothecary, but nooooooooo, Mister Hot Shot, I've got the VP needs it more than us!

Abs of Steel: Yeah man, think of us blitzers!

Dark & Handsome: Next thing you know, he'll want a pedicure too!

MH: Silence! You are not children! Stop acting like teenage primadonnas!?

(The Boys lower their heads, they apologize to each other.)

MH: Now about these bruises...

DH: That's all Bacchus and Aeneas fault. They're brutal...

AofS: Yeah, Bacchus got, like, 7 sp points... Wicked...

HS: and don't forget Claudius... that guy packs quite a punch...

MH: *sigh* I guess I'll send for the masseuses...

(The locker room erupts in cheers)
 

4:00pm Saturday, May 15th, 2004

Illegitimacy Contest: Whoresons 2 Bastards 1
Coach Buttercup, Filthy Whoresons

 C

In a close but critical-luck-impaired game, the man-short Filthy Whoresons managed to defeat 2-1 the tough on block dice but cursed on GFI-dice Dirty Bastards in the fight to the bottom in C division.

The FW made a few die rolls in turn 2 of the first half, in traditional irritating-elf fashion, taking the ball from just in front of the goal line all the way in for a score with a pass thrown in for good measure. Oddly, in that turn, all the block dice except the receiver-freeing critical block die were pushbacks... How average is that?

The next kickoff had the short kick bounce into the hands of the surprised chaos dwarf NoEss "Painmonger" Crotchmangler, who rumbled into a cage position, only to be the recipient of a high-dodge-ratio blitz. The FW recovered the ball and proceeded to make a few fouls (having gotten the ref on Turn 1) on their way to their second score, critical blitz GFI failures preventing the recovery of the ball by the Bastards. The end of the first half came with the Bastards being unable to score.

The second half was nearly a repeat of the second drive, with the exception of the critical-non-failure of the counter-blitz. An 8-turn grind down the field with attempts at blitzing the ball carrier being made (and being partially successful) occurring. At the whistle of turn 8, the Bastards recovered some self-respect and scored, alas, one goal too late.

At the end of the match, the coach of the Bastards, Carlo the Despoiler, was heard to mutter to himself "grubby filius nullii"

 

4:00pm Saturday, May 15th, 2004

Undead-Fuelled Blender: Stealers 2 Rongeurs 0
Coach Nygrell Grimskull, Brimstone Bonestealers

 A The Brimstone Bonestealers continue their rather bloody record against Skaven teams with a 2-0 massacre (literally) vs the Rongeurs Flamboyants: 6 Casualties caused (none permanent), although with the poignant (re-)passing of Bonestealer Skeleton Tenphut Radius. While immensely pleased with the solid win, coach Nygrell Grimskull was heard to express disappointment that he wasn't able to acquire one of the Rongeurs players for his own lineup.

Some very nice and daring plays were to no avail for the Rongeurs, who in addition to being mauled by Bonestealer players also managed to knock out or injure themselves dodging on multiple occasions. The (sentient) Bonestealer players will have nightmares about AG 6 gutter runners for some time, though.

(Hats off to the remarkable body crew at the RongeArena who managed to clear all the unconscious and injured players off the field without getting in the way!)

 
11:00am Friday, May 14th, 2004

Cement Galloshes: The Return of Noskull Rierohl

 

The lugubrious Noskull Rierohl has come out from hiding... er... returned from sabbatical to give us a rare peek into the shadowy underworld of DragonBBL oddsmaking. The only known interview with the elusive and sinister Johnny Goldtooth can now be read in Noskull's Corner. A fascinating read... don't miss it!!!
 

6:30pm Tuesday, April 30th, 2004

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes! JavaBowl 7.8 Released & LRB 3.0 to Boot!

 

A significant patch. Changes made to the way JBB interprets the rules, and the revised Wild Animal & Hypnotic Gaze... Additionally, the revised LRB 3.0 has been released, and that's pretty important since them's the rules we are supposed to using, folks! Get them in the downloads section here!

  • Fixed spectators trying to upload.
  • Fixed problem where niggling injury rolls were not checking to see if the apoth was available.
  • Updated WILD ANIMAL to LRB 3.0
  • Updated THROW TEAM MATE fumble to LRB 3.0. No longer a turnover unless the stunty has the ball.
  • Updated HYPNOTIC GAZE to LRB 3.0. Can now be used in place of the block during a blitz move.
  • Fixed I AM THE GREATEST with only three players causing the team setup to get stuck.
  • Fixed giving BUZZING to a player with less than 3 ma. With BUZZING (jump up) they can stand up without rolling.
  • Spectators for direct connect games will not be allowed to connect until after the coin toss because connecting before then could cause the server get pooched.
  • A few more fixes in Bugzilla I can't recall at the moment.

Ouf! Fifteen days without a news update!  Sorry guys... well as you well know the season is proceeding apace.  Plenty of action!  I will try and bring everything up to speed over the weekend.