And Now For an Epic Recap: Steins 1
Killers 0
Bunky Dragoncharmer, Cabalvision Sports
"Ah come in…come in… "He says. His voice is cracking and well aged.
"You've come for the tale yes? " He asks rhetorically.
"Sit! Sit!" He orders you. "Don't worry about the dragon." He assures you.
"They don't call me Dragoncharmer for nothing you know." He says, smiling an ancient smile which hints at memories of teeth, long departed for distant shores.
"It was many years ago…" He begins. "Over one hundred but I'll never forget that day... the day the Frothy Steins laid low the Mass Killers..."
It was week 1 of the 3rd Season. On a sunny afternoon in Cracklingmugg, 113 000 fans had come out to the opener. The Rune Smith finished up his Rune of Dexterity and Coach Bik handed it to runner Chugger. The Stein had won the toss and opted to kick setting up in standard 4 pillar defensive formation. The kick sailed into the air and the undefeated Killers charged into the home team with their legendary abandon. Dens B. Lair recovered for the Killers and they drove down the middle engaging the dwarves in melee just over the line. By the third stone, the drive had shifted to the left and the Killers moved into position to score having to shove a dwarf out of the way for every step they took. On the 4th stone, the Killers removed the immediate dwarf threat and Dens B. Lair could have easily scored. He chose however to stop at the line, to allow his team mates more time to savage the dwarves.
This would prove to be their undoing.
Stein star player Harry Palms broke from his attackers and blitzed the beastman, knocking the ball free in the Steins in zone. The lethal Dr Mengele Death Angel swooped in, claws gleaming in the sun and it appeared as though Harry was done for but Nuffle is a fickle Lord. As the creature that was once a beastman closed, it appeared to be blinded by the sun off of Harry's helm and misjudged the dwarf's location, slamming into the dwarf at an odd angle. Harry roared, rolled and flung the beastman, stunning him! His powerful arms chambered back, the dwarven runner finished his roll and pounced onto Dens B. Lair, knocking him unconscious! Harry was then free to scoop up the ball and head back onto the pitch, hopping over the stunned Death Angel as he went. Coach Stork ordered his beasts to get that runner and the Killers frenzied. Ben Laden beasthandled Ooglie badly hurting the troll slayer! Mayhem ruled the pitch as beastmen and dwarves engaged in the fiercest of battles. Beastmen came in waves, Harry Palms getting slammed to and fro but refusing to go down or relinquish the ball. On the 7th stone, Harry made a break gaining important yards away from his own goal line. There the battle raged once more as the Killers tore at Harry's flesh, unable to shake the pint sized titan. As the whistle blew to end the half, the Killers left the field and as they rose from the melee, Harry was revealed, still clutching the ball as his team mates swarmed him, cheering.
The halftime show was a comedic sketch about Johnny Goldtooth which had raised much controversy when it had opened in Blargburg a few weeks earlier. Well, barely had the actors taken the field that 4 robed figures stood in the stands. The sky darkened as they spoke, in unison, their voices low and deep. I lost sight of them after that as the winds tore into the valley and a sheet of ice fell from the heavens, killing the actors instantly. I looked for the robed figures, but they were gone, only the howling wind and instant blizzard remained in testament.
The teams took the pitch again and both squads stopped outside their locker caves, eyeing the pitch and concluding that something had indeed changed drastically.
The Killers kicked to the Steins as the scoreboard looked on wide eyed. Chugger recovered, bolstered by the rune and handed off to Harry Palms who drove up the center as his team mates slammed into the Killers line. The Killers, refusing to make way, rose up like a giant wall of steel and fur. Booglie grabbed an energy beer from his belt, downed it and with a belch that shook the rock walls, slammed head first into CAD a PHYs groin, fracturing his arm which the beastman had lowered to protect his genitals. The Jackal bellowed and charged into the fray, slamming Harry Palms to the ice and sending the ball into the waiting arms of beastwoman Marge Allbright. Marge had barely caught the ball however when she was swarmed by 3 dwarven attackers who upended her and knocked the ball to the frozen pitch. Chugger recovered and ran down towards the right side. In his excitement the runner would over extend himself and upon realizing it, pushed himself to double back to the safety of his team mates only to slip and land unceremoniously on his dwarven rump.
The teams faced off in hand to hand both vying for a chance to recover the ball. It would be Harry Palms who would recover the ball. Harry surged forward and would have made it to the line if not for an untimely encounter with PowerCollin which sent the veteran flying. Jack The Ripper would attempt to get a hold of the elusive ball but it danced mockingly across the icy ground. Harry gave chase through the melee and had another run at the ball. At the 5th stone, the Steins were almost halfway to their own goal line, seemingly unable to break through the cloud of death that was the killers. Dr Mengele tried to slip by Karng to get to Harry but fell, giving Harry an opening he dove through finally passing the line and entering the Killers side of the field. The melee tried it's best to keep up but Harry and a small escort, drove deep down the right side and at the 7th stone, moved within scoring distance. The Killers double back with great rage, trying to catch and kill the dwarven runner but the dwarf stood just out of reach. Marge Allbright snorted and stamped and with an ear splitting shriek, tore downfield after Harry, breaking through the startled dwarven defenders and slamming with lethal force into Palms. Amazingly, Palms remained standing and was shoved forward, the beastwoman hot on his heels.
As the 8th stone ticked away, Harry's escort recovered from the surprise of Albrights attack and raced to their star runners' aid. So it came to pass that Fudd forced the Killer back, giving Harry enough room to run for the goal line, putting a nervous twitch in the scoreboards wide eyes as the score became 1-0. The 8th stone loomed heavily as the Killers realized they had just been defeated. Not enough time to score, but time enough for vengeance. The teams lined up, the Dwarves weren't celebrating yet and whispered prayers of good fortune to their friends on the line. As the kick sailed into the skies, the Angel of Death came for Flumpy. Dr Mengele took one mighty strike to the linedwarfs throat and tore his head clean off his shoulders as the whistle blew on that historic game.
Oh yes, I saw the whole thing. They tried to get me to go down and speak with Stork after the game... What's that? You want to know if I went into the Killers cave after that game?
Obviously not foolish young one, for if I had... who would be telling this tale? Now leave me... I grow tired and the dragon will be waking soon and it doesn't like strangers.
What was it I used to say back in those days? Ahhh yes, I remember... Live! From the pitch! I used say... this is Bunky Dragoncharmer for Cabalvision sports.
Endoplasmic Reticulum:
Bastards 2 Lords 0
Bunky Dragoncharmer, Cabalvision Sports
Good afternoon Bloodbowl fans and welcome to
Nursery Dome *NURSERY DOME! NURSERY DOME!* Where did that echo
come from? That was spooky, someone tell my dragon to stay close. Where was
I… ah yes, welcome to Nursery Dome *NURSERY DOME!!* *NURSERY DOME!!*…
Ok…no more saying that.
Hrmph, welcome to Dropin Oftakidz Chasm where 59000 screaming fans joined me
to watch the home chasm Dirty Bastards face off against the Lords
of Entropy. Apparently the dwarves mined deep and uncovered another warp
vortex which they sacrificed 2 elven virgins into and out came the Lords of
Entropy!! Words began to quickly spread through the mines and though all
hurried to the site, there was little chance anyone could stop this from
exploding into violence. Upon arriving, we could only bear witness, a
bloodbowl game had erupted…
The Lords won the toss and decided to receive. Slightly whittled down from
previous engagements, the Lords fielded 9 beastmen. The kick was good and
the Lords drove down the right side, slamming into Bastards with glee. The
drive turned into a thick brawl in short order and by the second stone, the
Bastards has pried the ball from the Lords and were looking for a way out of
their own zone. Hobgoblin Disgraziato making a drive up the left side and
deep into Lords territory. Ator Vastatin would catch the hobgoblin and send
him flying to the grass, the ball bouncing lazily nearby. The Bastards were
quick to surround the ball and though the Lords fought hard to get to it,
they were too few their efforts were in vain as 2 of their numbers were
knocked unconscious in the struggle and Bull Centaur Skullgrinder dashed in
and recovered the ball, intent on scoring. Eager to live up to his teams
name, hobgoblin Bacalla savaged Ator Vastatin while he was down, badlu
hurting the beastman. With only 6 beastmen left, the Lords continued to
struggle as Skullgrinder stood lazily on the goal line, waiting for the 8th
stone to score and end the first half Bastards 1, Lords 0.
With only 1 of their number waking for the second half, the beastmen were
heavily outnumbered on the pitch. One can only imagine what coach Aceti had
said to his squad during the halftime but they looked livid! As the kick
sailed high into the cavern, the Lords blitzed, all snorts and horns, hungry
for a good goring. The Bastards however like all good dwarves are highly
resilient and took the punishment with grim determination. The ball landed
and the Bastards struck back. Beastman Diplo Calyx was knocked unconscious
in their counter strike as they gathered at the line ready to try and push
down the left side. The Bastards drove hard, Skullgrinder again leading the
charge. By the third stone, another beastman had been knocked unconscious
and the Lords were down to five. At the 5th stone, Skullgrinder scored his
second down of the match, placing the Bastards in the lead by two. With
apothecaries working overtime, 6 Lords took the field with 3 stones left in
regulation play. As the kick took to the air, the Bastards blitzed the
outnumbered beastmen. Swarming around them, the Bastards muscles them down
and Bacalla recovered deep in Lords territory. Bacalla was feeling saucy
however, no doubt on account of all that sauce they had covered him with,
and tried a hand off to Filthy McNastypants who fumbled it to the ground.
Lord beastman Phenolph Thalien performed a death defying dodge of out the
melee and recovered the ball. Phenolph would however be upset by a small
horde of chaos dwarves but Filthy would prove unable to recover the ball.
There ensued a vaudevillian dance, the ball bouncing merrily around the
gathered players until the 8th stone passed and the whistle blew, ending a
decisive Bastards victory. Dirty Bastards 2, Lords of Entropy 0.
We caught up with Aceti after the game who had this to say: "Well we were
merrily rampaging across some wastelands when out of nowhere a chaos warp
opened and sucked us in! Next thing we knew, a game had erupted and with our
depleted numbers, we tried our best but most of my beasts were still dizzy
from the warp vortex."
Live from the bottom of a chasm, I'm Bunky Dragoncharmer and that's how it
happened!
Oh Yeah! JavaBowl 7.7b Released
Latest Greatest Folks... tooltips thing is kinda neat, so's we dont get all that message log spam! Get it in the downloads section here!
- Ver B: Auto upload wasn't working if you did not have "remember password" checked on the username and password popup. Also, It might not have been working if the game was stopped and loaded from a saved game. These should be fixed now.
- Ver B: Hopefully fixed the tool tip font size for some people.
- Jbb will now attempt to auto upload your match results to FUMBBL. This will only happen if you are playing a game using the FUMBBL Login option. You will get a message popup letting you know if the auto upload was successful or not. If it was unsuccessful you will need to upload manually just like you have been doing all along. NOTE: For other leagues. This feature is not specific to FUMBBL. If you would like to have use this feature contact me at the email address linked at the bottom of this page and I will explain how it works.
- Added a tool tip to the pitch so that now when you mouse over an injured player in the dugout you get a tool tip rather than a message in the messages window. I've only tested this on windows, so if the tool tip ends up looking weird on a different OS, send me a screenshot so I can see what I need to change.
- A few more fixes in Bugzilla I can't recall at the moment.
Who's on First? Season Stats
Coach Phoenix of the Bloodpie
Bakers has graciously offered to compile weekly season stats, which are
posted in the Statistics section (use the
Season III link). He
invites you to comment and suggest on what you would like to see in terms of
statistics and format in this section. Check it out!
Highway to the Danger Zone: 15 Matches Reviewed
In the last of 1st round A Division action the Frothy Steins beat the Mass Killers 1-0, ending the DragonBowl champion's nineteen game unbeaten streak. The match remained stalemated for much of regulation time as the two heavily armoured teams pushed against each other fruitlessly. The Killers found the Dwarven armor largely impervious to their claws, and finally as the 2nd half drew to a close, Steins runner HarryPalms exploited an opening and ran the ball into the Killers end zone to win the match. The Killers had the last word, however, as with mere minutes left on the clock, heavily clawed chaos warrior Dr. Mengele found a weak spot in longbeard Flumpy's armor, mortally wounding him. Despite this tragic loss, the Steins celebrated their victory against the toughest team in A Division...
The Blood Drakkar picked up steam defeating the Screaming Midgets 3-0. The Drakkar were able to hold off the less agile Midgets despite slowly losing a grinding battle of attrition, outmaneuvering them to score an unanswered touchdown in the first and two more in the second, stripping the ball from the attempted Midgets return drives each time. Although the game was very rough, with numerous incidents of fouling, only one player from each side suffered any sort of lasting injury.
The Slicers and Bad Dicers edged out the Wild Hunt 3-2 in Saturday morning bloodbowl action, inflicting 6 casualties on the Wood Elf team in the process. The two teams traded touchdowns in the first half, going into the 2nd half tied when Hunt line-elf Attea5 (the 5th in the Attea line) was killed by rampaging Troll Chick N FWide Lice. Shortly after the Orcs scored again, to be answered by a speedy return touchdown by the Hunt. Attrition had taken it's toll, however, and the Hunt could not stop the final Dicers drive lineorc Egg Foo Young Shrimp scoring the winning touchdown shortly before the final whistle.
It was a
tight schedule for the Wild Hunt as they went straight into their
round three matchup against the Frog Machine, suffering a 2-0
loss to the veteran Skaven team. The initial Hunt drive lost momentum just
across the line of scrimmage as the Skaven fought back, knocking out treeman
Fangorn who remained unconscious for the remainder of the match. The Machine
players were in a vicious mood after their casualty-filled round one and two
games, and had finally found an opponent they could let out their pent up
frustrations on. After stealing the ball, the Machine sat on it, inflicting
pain upon the Hunt, seriously injuring Nertea2 and Cantea2 during the 1st
half and reducing the Hunt to only 8 player in the 2nd, thereafter seriously
injuring Toldea2 and Lemenya2, and repeatedly fouling [Ed: 5 times,
whilst the ref was seen to be whistling and examining something on the toe
of his boot...] wardancer Wychwethyl, who spent 80% of the match
stunned, until he was finally knocked unconscious and carried from the pitch
during the 2nd half. After the Machine scored their 2nd touchdown in the 2nd
half, the Hunt made one last attempt to score as torrential rain broke over
the bloody pitch, but the attempt was drowned out and the game ended at 2-0.
The final B Division round 1 game finished up on Friday night as the Dead-on Balls Inaccurate defeated the rookie Old Ones 3-0. The lumbering sauruses of the Oldies seemed unable to make any impression on their human opponents, who played "bop the skink" and generally had a complete lock on the ball for much of the game. Coach Dragon was seen shaking his head in the dugout and heard to mumble something about "goblins in skink clothing" and "I thought Kroxigors were supposed to be SMARTER than Trolls!", and then later just "Poop!!". Clearly spring training has not yet ended for this Lizardman team!
The Mad Howlers then proceeded to defeat the Dead on-Balls Inaccurate 2-1, who were playing their second game in less than 24 hours. The Howlers dominated the pitch, scoring once in each half, and stopping the late 2nd half Inaccurate drive cold until with seconds left on the clock, Inaccurate blitzer Russell dashed in to knock the ball to the ground from blitzer Skullcrak's grasp where it was retrieved by thrower Pot who then dodged away form the scrum to fire an accurate pass into the hands of catcher P.D. who dashed in to score the Inaccurate's only touchdown. A nice play that shows what the DOBI are capable of when they have their act together!
The True Panzies narrowly defeated the Ligament-Calliope Suppliers 1-0 after a wide-ranging but almost scoreless match. In fact, despite hard hitting by both sides, no serious injuries occured, with only line-elf Wimpy hurt badly enough to be unable to finish the match. The Panzies managed to score the winning touchdown at the tail end of the second half after rookie werewolf Droolingmaw Lickenflick knocked the ball out of bounds after knocking unconscious the Panzies line-elf Twinky who was running down the sideline with it. The ball was thrown back in by sympathetic Panzies fans, landing next to prone line-elf Foppish, who hopped to his feet and fired off a pass to line-elf Poncy who was waiting in the end zone. Poncy caught the ball and moments later the whistle blew on regulation time, ending the game a 1-0 Panzies victory.
The Sylvan
SuperSonics brutalized the Dark-Elven Spermosaurs on Monday
night, winning a decisive 4-1 victory. Treeman Slothlorien was in top
form, seriously injuring Spermosaurs Ashbit and Ray Finkle in the course of
the match, and generally charging about with most un-Treeman-like hastiness.
Some sources reportedly close to the Sonics have said that the Treeman is in
fact frenzied from advanced Dutch Elm disease, a theory that is corroborated
by the physical evidence of foamy sap running form the corners of his mouth
and his general incoherency in interviews (now disallowed by the Sonics
management). There are rumours also that thrower Thranduilseed is suffering
from Elven arthritis. With no second string thrower, the Sonics may be in
the market for a new one...
The Marauders battled the Thundering Typhoons to a 1-1 draw, the weakened High Elf team unable to make decisively good it's maneuverability advantage against the full strength Marauders. The Marauders scored a touchdown early in the game and managed to maintain the 1-0 lead until the last part of the 2nd half, when the Typhoons drove to the Marauder's line line-elf Caterwaul Stevens picking up the touchdown to tie the game. A good recovery game for the Typhoons, they are back at full strength for their next match.
The Filthy Whoresons came up with their 2nd tie game in a row against the Specialists of Acrobatic Warfare. The two elf teams battled back and forth across the pitch netting one touchdown each during regulation play, ending at 1-1. The play quickly turned nasty with each side fouling multiple times, but despite the high level of violence, only one player (line-elf Cardozo of the Whoresons) suffered a serious injury. The turnout was small considering the the Specialists are virtual unknowns in the Bloodbowl world, having few followers.
The Dark Elven Darkness defeated the Avenging Mutants 2-0 after a short (at 66 minutes) but violent match which saw line-elves Axir off with a serious concussion and Bimti down with broken ribs, victims of the Mutants excessive [Ed: NINE fouls!] fouling policy. Nevertheless the Darkness outmaneuvered the rookie Mutants, scoring two unanswered touchdowns to lock the game up. A solid win for the Darkness.
Shortly after the somewhat weakened Darkness squad face the Boy Toys, battling to a 2-2 standstill. A late 1st half pitch invasion by enraged female fans of the Boys saw the Darkness lineup decimated, with Dalamar out with a pinched nerve and Legolas with a Goatee badly hurt allowed the Boys to steamroll the Darkness defence to go ahead 2-1 at the end of the 1st, but the remaining Dark Elves fought a determinedly in the second and managed to score a tying touchdown before the final whistle. An a game almost too exciting to have ended in a draw!
The Deadmen Duo + Band scored their second victory, this time over the Elven Durenguard Bombers, beating them 2-0. The Deadmen werewolves were a constant presence on the field, Hanz scoring both touchdowns and Franz delivering a fatal blow to the second Bombers catcher, Silenthare, to die in as many games. A heavy loss for the Bombers, who find themselves down by two very important players at the start of a long season. Although rumour has it the team has signed on a new line-elf by the name of Battlehand, the Bombers have not yet hired any permanent medical staff...
Another heavy fouling game as the Gutarmageddon defeated the Anatomical Anomaly 3-0. An early foul by line-elf Dave Mustaine which knocked blitzer Inflammed Hemroid out of the match with a damaged back sparked massive retribution on the part of the Anomaly, who disregarded the ball completely to concentrate on beating the crap out of any Dark Elf they could catch. Fouling a total of 7 times, their grudge campaign managed to bring down line-elf Eddie Van Halen with a fractured skull and line-elf Kyle Gass with a fractured leg. However, the Guitarmageddon easily scored 3 times against minimal opposition, as by the end of the match the bulk of the Anomaly had been ejected form the game for fouling...
In a surprisingly clean
game, considering the opponents, and as compared to other C Division matches
this week, the Dirty Bastards decisively defeated the Lord of
Entropy 2-0, bull centaur Skullgrinder scoring both touchdowns for the
Bastards. The Lords seemed somewhat disorganized in the face of the Chaos
Dwarven onslaught but suffered no more permanent injury then a mildly
bruised ego. The Bastards are going strong, facing two elf teams in a row in
their upcoming matches. Should be interesting!
Short Changed: Oxymorons 2
Tongues 0
Milo Bloom, Investigative Reporter from
Beyond
Well Bloom County suffered a crushing defeat
today at the hands of the Dwarven power house Syzygy Oxymorons. The
persistent drilling of the dwarfs overcame the Human Death Tongues keeping
the ball almost entirely in the Tongue half. Although two promising plays
were almost made by the Tongues, in both cases a last minute fumble cost
them the ball, and the game. Although a total of 5 Death Tongue players were
knocked out during the game, none real injuries occurred.
When asked to comment on the game at the post game press conference, Death
Tongue coach Opus said "Well, we gave it our best shot. Obviously we need
to work on our ball handling skills, and come up with a better way of
getting our guys free from dwarf players long enough to make some plays! The
Oxymorons are a fine team, and they played well out there. A tad rough, but
that's all part of this great game we call BloodBowl."
When asked to comment on the statements he made directly after the loss
which were "F#@cking dwarfs... short ... $#@$%#. Bull that's what this is
... learn how to [incoherent] you $@@#$4 [incoherent]!!! This f@#cking Tall
to Play!!! That's What!!!" Coach Opus mumbled something about
miscommunication and the stress of the game. He reiterated the respect both
he, and the Death Tongue organization has for all the teams in the league.
When asked to comment on the rumour that he was overheard in the locker room
at half-time saying "...how he likes it with a f@#cking Bounty on Zippy
Ragnarok's little pointed head" coach Opus cut the press conference
short and waddled off.
- The Ghost of Milo Bloom, Investigative reporter, and former BloodBowl
lineman.
Faux Pas: Schoolgirls 2 Boy
Toys 0
Madame Heidi, Boy Toys
Broad Shoulders: Owwww! What did I do?
Madame Heidi: (putting her glove back on) Nothing! That's what you did!
BS: But Ma'am...
MH: That's Madame to you! You guys were awful out there!
Bulging Biceps: But but but, we tried, Madame, honest!
Cute and Cuddly: They were everywhere, Madame. They were all over the place!
MH: Pfft! That is totally unacceptable. You're such wussies! They were all over you! Two nothing!! What a disgrace! I heard Xenia got 6 star player points! What do you have to say about that?
(silence in the locker room...)
Strong Hands: uhm.. Buns and I held on to the ball for quite some time...
Tight Buns: Yeah we did... we made them run around for a bit. It's was fun (chuckles a bit)
SH: Heh, yeah... running and bouncing...
MH: Silence!! I cannot tolerate this type of attitude during the season!! You need to stay focused! And score!
Pouty Lips: But Madame, it was very hard... The schoolgirls were sooooo hot...
SH: and sexy
TB: and they swished and swayed
PL: and their hair...the sweet smell of their hair brushing our faces...
BB: and they had the cutest little outfits... barely there, but they were cute...
MH: Silence I say! Rose Hip and Cherry Lips scored 2 touch downs, we lost fan factor and we only won 30k... what do you have to say to that?
(pause...)
Hot & Sexy: When do we get to play them again?
Eye for an Eye: Bonestealers 3
Boozzhounds 1
Coach Nygrell Grimskull, Brimstone
Bonestealers
With the Bonestealers receiving at the start of the second half, their play seemed like a carbon copy of their first half success, with the execption of poor Black Ork Blocker Johny Black who was killed by Bonestealer fans -- having read the play and knew what was coming -- after being shoved into the crowd for the second time. (The corpse was passed along by fans to the Bonestealer dugout where Johny Black was reanimated and dressed for the Bonestealers!). Also injured, although not seriously, was the immense Bonestealer Mummy Dus Nel-Etgath, after being surrounded and finally downed by several Boozzhounds.
Receiving, down by a touchdown, and LineOrc Dewar knocked out with a rock thrown by the ever-helpful Bonestealer fans, the Boozzhounds pressed forward deep into the Bonestealer zone but were soon shut down as the Bonestealer muscle clamped down on the advancing cage from all sides while their screening skeletons and zombies kept the slower Black Orcs on the scrimmage line from coming to assist. In a rough scrum (which saw two more Boozzhounds knocked out) the Bonestealers eventually took possession of the ball late in the second half by a miraculous interception by workhorse Wight Rackis Skullrattle, who had already impressed sportswatchers by scoring his first touchdown for the Bonestealers despite being with the organization for at least a dozen games already. Rackis capped his game with a pass to bruiser Ghoul Fangmouth Earchewer who ran in the touchdown near the end of regulation time.
With only a few seconds left in play the two teams set up, with the Bonestealers putting out their sacrificial scrimmage linemen for the inevitable Boozzhounds bruising, but Jacky Dee seemed to fall prey to one of the many Orc-seeking banana peels littering the pitch and was felled by his erstwhile target, ending the match.
More ElfBowl: Three Dead in Mid-Week Action
The Wild Hunt soundly defeated the Putrid Swamp Boozzhounds 3-1 in that veteran Orc team's 1st A Division game. The heavily muscled Hounds simply could not lay a hand on the wildly dodging Hunt, and gave up 2 touchdowns in the first half and traded 1 for 1 in the second, star goblin Hyney Ken making the only Hounds score. Legendary catcher Sceolan scored one touchdown to break his 2 game straight scoreless slump, with understudy Lothlann picking up the other two. Could be a good season for the Hunt!
Round 2 A Division action got under way last
night as the hemorrhaging Frog Machine defeated Styg's Mates 4-1.
With the Mates short 3 players due to chronic injuries, the skeleton-crewed
Machine squad was able to make itself felt, jumping to a fast 3-0 lead in
the 1st half after some very favourable fumbled ball/crowd thowing
interaction. Both teams suffered serious losses, for the Machine,
rookie linerat Queg Octavo was killed outright on the line of scrimmage late
in the half, and for the Mates, ogre Polly The Cracker Parrot received a
career-ending broken collar bone. The Mates rallied in the 2nd half to
trade touchdowns with the Machine, putting the games final score at 4-1.
Favourable news coverage of the highly popular Machine, boosted by their
underdog status, allowed them to rake in unprecedented cash which will go a
long way towards rebuilding the team for the bulk of the season ahead...
The Sylvan SuperSonics kicked their season off to a good start with a 2-1 defeat of the rookie High Elf True Panzies. The victory came at some cost, as Sonics line-elf Murkywaters was cruelly slain early in the 2nd half by opposing line-elf Fluffy, who proved he was anything but. The death of Murky inspired the Sonics to greater feats of Elven athleticism, turning over the Panzies drive and running it the length of the field, Orgopher receiving a handoff from wardancer Wild Woody in the end zone for the winning touchdown.
Round 2 kicked off with a
solid 2-1 victory by the Banner Guard Bloods over the Noir
Desir, who were down three crucial players after their rough match vs
the Bakers in round 1. Again the victory came at some severe cost to the
winning team, with veteran lion warrior Marlborough slain by the vicious
Claudia Demonia midway through the 1st half, who later went on to put the
Bloods 2nd string lion warrior El Cid out of the game with broken ribs.
Nevertheless, the Bloods were riding high, scoring twice in the first half
and only narrowly missing a 3rd touchdown in the 2nd, which saw only a
single Desir touchdown in response. A stinging defeat for the hard-hitting
Desir...
Bucking the Odds: Spermosaurs
2 Suppliers 1
Bunky Dragoncharmer, Cabalvision Sports
Good afternoon Bloodbowl fans and
welcome to Poontangea where 49000 fans have have joined me to watch the home
town Spermosaurs face off against the Ligament-Calliope Suppliers
in exciting week 1, B division action!!
Menopause, a notoriously unstable artic wind is sweeping down between the
twin peaks of Wannagrabbabooby and has turned Paradise Valley into a frigid
wasteland. The bulk of the local team, who have been dealing with this
weather for weeks as well as a spell of bad press, are now all out sick!! I
see only SEVEN Spermosaurs madly doing jumping jacks, trying to keep warm!
Coach Candyman, known for his unwavering temper, is standing pitch side with
his usual smile at the ready. Meanwhile across the pitch, Chief Organist
Fairfax Edwin XI is warming up the band as his squad is ambling out onto the
frozen pitch. The Spermosaurs win the toss and coach Candyman decides to
receive. They're favoring the left side and against a full squad of undead,
are looking rather anemic. The Suppliers kick but the wind grabs it and the
raging snow swallows it whole. Everyone is waiting for it to land. Ok, it
appears the ball has been swallowed whole by the blizzard. The official has
called for a touchback. The elves try to push through the right side, Ray
Finkle moving up behind his team mates. Blitzer Wakka lands a solid knee to
Roph Genitalbells groin and it doesn't look like he's getting up! Ask not
for whom the bell tolls my friend, it tolls for thee! Pid joins in with
Wakka and grabs zombie Lega Lunghat by the throat and knocks that stupid hat
right off his head with a vicious backhand. I swear I heard that neck
snapping from here folks!! Looks like he's regenerating and he'll be back
later! Fubar tries to get it on the action but faceplants on the ice,
tripped up by a nearby Supplier. Down to a two man advantage, the Suppliers
are slamming into the elven line, surrounding the elves who are refusing to
be beaten down! Wakka once more leads the charge, he's grabbed a hold of
Supplier werewolf Bloodymaw Lickenpick head and he kicks the werewolf back
while pulling on his head! Lickenpick is DEAD! Wakka has slain the Suppliers
werewolf! That elf has gone insane!! Ray Finkle exploits the stunned
Suppliers and steps in to recover but the ball gets away from him and
bounces to the left side. The suppliers down to a one man advantage,
scramble to recover the ball with wight Franz "The Finger" Nippleduster
performing a daring maneuver and swiping the ball from under the Spermosaurs
noses! A brawl breaks out at the line and Franz starts getting knocked
around. He's on the line, here comes Pid! He slams into the wight and knocks
him unconscious! The ball flies up into air and the blizzard grabs a hold of
it! It lands in the middle of the Suppliers zone! Terminator dodges away
from Chewbutts and races to recover the ball! He's got it! He's not alone
however and here come several Suppliers. Fubar moves swiftly to get in on
the action but trips again, his helmet spinning on his head as he applies a
vicious head butt to the frozen ground. Chewbutts the Cheekfreak catches up
with the Blitzer and upends him! The Spermosaurs at the line are trying to
break from the brawl and get into the action as several Suppliers fall back
to end the dark elven threat! Pid slams into ghoul Nibbletoes at the line
and knocks him unconscious! Finkle breaks from his cover to recover but he
drops it! Chewbutts circles around and has a go at it and he drops it too!
Terminator shoves Chewbutts to the icy ground and dives onto the ball! He
rolls and gets back to his feet breaking towards the Suppliers goal line!
Meanwhile, Fubar, still wearing his helmet backwards, has once again slammed
face first into the ice and appears to have stunned himself. Perhaps this
will keep him out of trouble until the half ends. The Suppliers are pounding
on the elves trying to rally to Terminators aid, stopping them from
advancing. Wight Strock Fleshtweak however, is in range and charges the
elven Blitzer who refuses to be pushed around. Wakka once more leads the
charge savaging Chewbutts with a forearm to the teeth that sends the ghoul
rag dolling into unconsciousness. Pusher, now finding himself free of his
ghoulish cover, charges in to Terminator's aid and shoves the wight out of
the way. Terminator is free and clear and waving to the crowd, steps across
the line!! On the 7th stone, the Spermosaurs have taken the lead!!
The Suppliers are setting up to receive, managing to field 9 bodies onto the
pitch to face off against the 7 dark elves. Here comes the kick! Wait!
Pusher is down!! It appears as though a Suppliers fan threw a rock from the
crowd. My keen reporter senses tell me this because through the blizzard, I
can clearly see Pushers legs and arms… they're sticking out from under a
large boulder. There's no way he's alive ladies and gentlemen, Pusher has
been killed. Seems the Suppliers are back to a 3 man advantage as 4
officials manage to get the stone off of Pusher and the field. Here comes
the kick.
The kick lands midfield. Strock recovers as the Suppliers charge into the 6
remaining Spermosaurs. Strock circles left and starts off down the left side
and deep into Spermosaur territory. Finkle fades back to cover the line,
terminator breaks from his cover and circles around, cutting off the ghouls
advance. Fubar, wearing his helmet face front again, tries to step away from
the Suppliers to get it on the action but gets tripped up and performs his
now patented "face plant into ice" maneuver. This time he nails it, he's not
getting up from this one. Looks like the Spermosaurs are down to 5 players!
The 8th stone ticking away, only Terminator stands between the Suppliers and
a tie score. Here comes Chewbutts!! He blitzes the dark elf and gets
flattened!! Terminator has layed him out as the whistle blows and the
Spermosaurs hang onto their 1 run lead.
Halftime
With the Spermosaurs kicking to open the half, they find themselves
outnumbered at more than two to one. The Suppliers have taken the pitch and
fielded a full line, wait that's not possible they were down to ten… oh the
humanity!! One of the Suppliers is PUSHER!! Back from the dead and looking
far less flat! The Suppliers have no shame!
The kick is deep on the right and Chewbutts recovers. The Suppliers move in
to overwhelm the Spermosaurs who try to stay together and keep moving. Wakka,
who's been in outstanding form today, breaks from the Suppliers line and
closes with Chewbutts, menacing to take the ball. He doesn't see Nibbletoes!
Oooooh! Wakka is down! It looks like Nibbletoes took a bite out of his hand!
The Spermosaurs just lost their heart, can they hang on to their lead? Wakka
no longer in his way, Chewbutts makes a break for the Spermosaur zone. Down
to four, Candyman's squad is surrounded but Terminator breaks free, taking
Pid with him and both close with the ball carrier! The Suppliers soon close
however and once again fall upon the severely outnumbered elven combatant.
Chewbutts dodges away from the elves and leaves them to his team mates as he
continues trying to make his appointment with the goal line. Tty is knocked
unconscious, and then there were three. Undaunted, all three elves manage to
elude the cloud of undead on their heels and surround Chewbutts, but Pid
slips on the ice and goes down! Chewbutts makes a dive for it and slips away
from his two attackers and slides on his belly across the frozen goal line!
It's a tie game folks and there's 3 stones left on the clock!!
Tty has regained consciousness just in time join his three remaining team
mates on the pitch as the Spermosaurs prepare to receive against a full line
of Suppliers. The kick is good and Finkle recovers and fades back, his three
team mates break from the line and fall back as well. The Suppliers advance
like a black wave, closing in on the Spermosaurs. Finkle makes a move! He
runs towards the right edge of the wave of Suppliers! His team mates
scramble to break from the ever advancing darkness and throw themselves
between the undead and their thrower. The wave starts washing over them and
it looks as though the Spermosaurs are going to drown but Nibbletoes gets
tripped up by Terminator and a hole appears in the wave!! Pid knocks a
zombie out of the way and widens the hole! Terminator dives through taking
Finkle with him!! Tty squeezes through and moves to cover Finkle who fires a
short pass into the screaming wind and Terminator who lead the charge. He
caught it!! Terminator's got it and he's in Supplier territory!! The
Suppliers are scrambling and slipping on the ice but Terminator is too far
gone!! He's racing against the clock!! The fans are on their feet!! He's got
to move at breakneck speeds to make it and the Blizzard is fighting him.
It's come to this!! Against all odds, against sickness and raging weather!!
It's come down to elf against nature as Terminator cuts a path through the
ice! The entire stadium is counting down THREE!! He's gonna make
it!!! TWO!!! HE DIVES FOR IT!!! HE SCOOOOOOOORES!!!! THERE'S THE WHISTLE
THE SPERMOSAURS HAVE WON!!! THEY DID THE IMPOSSIBLE FOLKS!! THE SPERMOSAURS
HAVE WON!!!
THE STADIUM IS IN COMPLETE PANDEMONIUM!!! WHAT A GAME!!!
What?!? The weather appears to have admitted defeat as suddenly there's much
less snow and wind blowing through Poontangea. Holy! There's a fan…or
something…who seems to have climbed to very top of The Erection, highest
point in town and appears to be dancing!! That man sure is happy!! Ooooooh…Eh
eh… I can't get a good look at him or her from this distance folks and I've
got the sharpest eyes here. Maybe not sharp enough to cut through the
blizzard and get a good look at the face, but I'd recognize the gleam off
that gold tooth anywhere. Dance Johnny! Dance! You've got a lot to dance
about…
Pitch side and freezing my ass off, this is Bunky Dragoncharmer for
Cabalvision sports.
3 Elves an Orc and a Concession Stand: Round 1 Continues
The Screaming Midgets came
out victorious after a 2-1 slugfest with the Styg's Mates. The
upstart Dwarf team defeated the seasoned A Division veterans after a
grueling 2 hour and 55 minute match, which left junior longbeard Wishing
Washy dead of massive head trauma after a Polly The Cracker Parrot haymaker.
The two teams traded touchdowns in the first half, then the grinding Midgets
drive in the 2nd ended in success, and the Mates narrowly missed a tying
touchdown after catcher Lonestar tripped up as he tried to slip past the
Midgets defence, knocking himself out with only seconds to spare on the
clock. Some good bloodbowl action!
Late Sunday night the
Banner Guard Bloods came out with all pistons firing, defeating the
ravaged Horny Babes 4-0. The Babes could not seem to inflict any
lasting damage on the resilient High Elves who managed to outmaneuver the
seriously weakened (having on 9 starters) Chaos team to score repeatedly.
The Bloods were clearly buoyed by their success, a good start to a new
season. the Babes are in a period of recovery, as they slowly repair
the damage suffered last season with the loss of nine team members in 16
games, including pillar of outrageous strength, Gora the Impaler. After the
match the Babes management announced the addition of newly-hatched beastchik
Bride of Nuffle to the roster.
The Elvish Filthy Whoresons battled their ancient Orcish enemies of the Anatomical Anomaly to a 2-2 tie Sunday night. The Elves showed their mettle by sending Anomaly thrower Penile Cyst off with a smashed knee early in the 1st and it was open warfare from then on out. The Whoresons held a 2-1 lead throughout much of the 2nd half, but in the closing minutes of the game, blitzer Inflammed Hemroid scored the tying touchdown for the Anomaly, sparking a riot that last until long after the final whistle blew.
There was more Elvish action on Monday as the Specialists of Acrobatic
Warfare soundly defeated Guitarmageddon 4-1. The Wood Elves were
tactically all over their Dark Elf foes, scoring repeatedly, but
uitarmageddon gained some measure of satisfaction when rookie line-elf [SAW]
Ranger fatally broke his own neck in tackling Guitarmageddon line-elf Tom
Morello. Nevertheless a clear victory for the Woodies...