1:30pm Monday, November 17th, 2003

The Burden of Being Beautiful
An Orginal Introspective on the Harem, by Noskull Rierohl

The Harem as a team is a relative newcomer to the Dragon League, the original bastion of zen garden-like peace, tranquility and harmony in the bloodbowl universe. In researching the dark underbelly of the organization, and specifically the Surly/Rage Shark ties to Johnny Goldtooth (more at a later date), our intrepid spelunker of truth came across interesting ties to the Harem, which prompted him to delve further and gave birth to this, er, biopic.

The official story is clouded in mystery and death, but here are a few of the known facts:

  • Coach Cfoo is neither a coach, nor a master programmer in C.

  • Ali, the Harem's star catcher, is NOT actually Carlo the Despoiler's fiancee, at least according to passionately delivered speeches by Blarg Blargson, sworn testimony given by Funky Fleetfoot, and an expression of complete confusion by Soapyfrog.

  • The Harem wasn't even an organized Blood Bowl team at first.  Alina, a blitzer for the Harem, had simply organized an awesome rave at an (or so she figured) abandoned field out in the middle of nowhere, inviting a dozen or so of her closest hotties and the ever-present Cfoo.  Just when it really got started, a mob of orcs calling themselves the Mad Howlers crashed the party, and what we all perceived as the Harem's first match was indeed just them trying to get those smelly orcs off their field.  It was only after the match when an official from the High Elves Bureaucrats-R-Us administrative body presented them with a cheque that they decided to form up officially and have a go at it.

Interested in getting to the soft chewy centre of the story, Noskull decided that a no-holds-barred one on one with the Harem was in order.  In his quest for the truth, Noskull was willing to pay any price, ANY price, to get in the Harem's dressing room and interview them personally.  One on, well, twelve or so.  All, of course, in an honourable quest for the truth and only the truth, with no other motives than this unswerving dedication to bringing the true story to light.  What follows is an officially approved excerpt from the original interview, presented here for posterior.

*  *  *

The camera is focused closely on Noskull's face, or the little of it that is visible under the Giant Spiked Gauntlets of Doom worn by the Rage Sharks' warrior, Kharlo No Ess, who has clamped his mighty hands firmly over Noskull's eyes.  The camera has a perpetual quiver in it as the camera man, under strict instructions to keep his eyes DIRECTLY on Mr. No Ess at all times, struggles to obey.

NR: Well, as I'm sure you can see *OW!* though I can't vouch for it, Coach Cfoo has graciously allowed us into the Harem's dressing room. They've just achieved the upset victory of the season over the Wild Hunt, and are rather jubilant at the moment. (Noskull reaches in front of him blindly) Coach Cfoo? Coach Cfoo? Do you have anything to say about this incredible feat your team has pulled off?

Cfoo: (walks towards Noskull) It's a testament to the naughty, naughty nature of these lovely ladies...

Camera Man: (sweating profusely and muttering to himself as Kharlo No Ess nods menacingly and the camera shakes the image into a blur) Steady now, Bubba. Steady...

Cfoo: ... that they were able to use their various hot, hot feminine guiles to out-maneuver the Wood Elves... Anyone can just "dodge" out of reach, but it takes real sass to execute a perfect tango lead to break free.  All this while wearing a thong, cut-off t shirt and high-heeled 'blitz-me' boots, and keeping the televised match G rated.

NR: (veritably drowning in sweat, he digs real deep and somehow finds the will to continue) You mean there was another team on the field?

Cfoo: Of course there was, though all the married Hunt players called in sick before the match, for some reason.  Even their star of stars came down with a severe case of the dreaded "dirty sneakers", if you know what I mean.

NR: (struggling under the vice-grip hold of Mr. No Ess) How long exactly have you had Chaos Warriors on staff?  I assumed there was a 'No Allies' clause in this league.

Cfoo: (gesturing around him) Well, the reality of the situation is that we can't really control who our hangers-on are. I've been trying to tell Mr. No Ess here that the girls can take care of...

Haidee: (wanders into the camera's view, wearing what a handkerchief might use for a handkerchief and dripping wet) Coach?  Could you tell me if this is a bruise? (she lifts her leg)  I think it happened when I delicately grabbed the ball with my soft soft hands and just went for it out there in front of all those people...

Bubba: (a scrunched up mask of pain washes over his face) That's it!!! I can't take it anymore. (He rips open his eyes as wide as  dinner plates and scans the entire room, his gaze taking in every little detail, including the Giant Fist Of Doom headed directly for him via Kharlo No Ess. The sickening crunch can be heard even over Kharlo's bellowed 'Kapow! Kapow!'  As he crumples to the ground, Bubba mutters)  It... was... worth... it...

NR: I'm sorry, Coach Cfoo. You were saying?

Cfoo:  Yes.  See, the problem with coaching hot hot babes is that you tend to attract all manner of groupies.  A harem for my harem, if you will...(he points to one corner, in which a rather large Mummy stands, being used as an abrasive scrub post and towel holder by the ladies.).  For example, over there in the corner you might recognize the Creeping Flesh behemoth who goes by the apt moniker 'Stiff'.  Some, though, are much much more discreet in their infatuation with my ladies. (Cfoo nods his head in the direction of the large wet towel bucket.  Behind it is a clearly visible green skinned brute trying his orc-est to remain inconspicuous.  The ladies humour him and pretend he's invisible, much to his delight.) We used to boot him out every time we saw him, but the ladies have sort of adopted him as a kind of mascot.  As I understand it, he's actually the brains behind a leading team in the league, but we're not terribly concerned about him stealing any secrets...

NR: You of course realize I can't see a thing, right, Coach Cfoo?  Not even a sliver of vision from between the fingers of these terrifying gauntlets here.  Nope. Not at all. (under his breath) The slick subterfuge of an obfuscating master. Hehe.

Cfoo:  (walks over to the towel bucket).  See, this is the kind of constant pressure we of the Harem are forced to endure.  (he leans in so his chest mike can pick up the green skinned brute's muttering)

GSB: (slobbering and staring about himself madly) Quiet as a mouse.  I am invisible orc. quiet as a mouse. Definitely no orc here.  Nope.  I be invisible, I be!

NR: Well, Coach Cfoo, I guess we'll conclude here and leave you to your post game, ah, celebrations.  That is, unless you want me...ah...to...ah...stick around?

Cfoo: (nods to Kharlo No Ess, who picks up Mr. Rierohl by the skull with one hand and the cameraman with the other and turns for the door. Noskull grabs the camera and composes himself for his sign-off)

NR: That, Ladies and Gentlebeasts, was a Gralbvision  exclusive.  The first behind the scenes look into the Harem's ultra-exclusive dressing room.  Through the masterful stealthwork of yours truly, we've begun to expose the dirty dirty underbelly of team fraternization that has so utterly and completely disgusted even the most jaded of us here at Nuffleodeon.  And now, with most of the bloodflow to my brain cut off by this giant fist, this is Noskull Rierohl, passing out.