2:30pm Tuesday, February 10th, 2004

Float Like a Butterfly, Float Like a Butterfly
When We Were Dodgers
by Noskull Rierohl
Our fabulously extravagant reporter/somalier Noskull Rierohl was finally able to roll a 6 and gain oxymoronic access to the elusive fame-seekers of the Straight to Videos. Of particular interest was siezing the opportunity to, ah, nail down Not So Tiny Tim and ask the big, big tree about the league's first huge interception. Due to the Ent's particularly, um, methodical and deliberate speaking manner, Noskull was able to squeeze in interviews with other members of the Videos in their locker room just after their nail-biting loss to the Rage Sharks. [Ed. Note: Special interviews with famed Videos Catcher "I Love it when a Plan comes together" and wardancer "Run, Forrest, Run!" on team strategy regarding their upcoming match with the Lustria Divas were granted under the condition that the article not be published until a week after the match. Noskull, ever the bastion of honour and decency, agreed. His eagerness to agree had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that his ASTOUNDING procrastination ability would ensure the article would be late anyway.]

Scene 1 Take 1

The Videos locker room is filled to overflowing with prepackaged hemp products bearing various Videos' endorsements, large packages of "oregano", recycled-fibre furniture and so on. The carpet is a deep, lush, emerald grass that makes it irresistible to go barefoot, and the unmistakable aroma of patchouli seems to permeate the very reality of the room. The Videos are all milling about the room, some conversing extra-planary with their agents via miniature broadcast-dweomer enhanced handhelds, others reviewing scripts and contracts on Personal Dimension Accessors. Their director/coach, Martin Scores-easy is off in the corner, chatting with Danny DeVito and Vin Diesel. Other lesser-known celebrities are continuously coming in and out of the room as Noskull confronts Coach Scores-easy's Personal Bodyguard, attempting to reach Mr. Scores-easy.

Bhandayd: (The Big B stands directly in front of Noskull and begins a (for him) lightning fast and crushing blow to the head. In the interest of efficiency, suffice it to say that our intrepid reporter is able to conclude the entire interview and make all necessary editorial changes before being kapowed into unconsciousness by the mummy)

MSE: (clutching his handheld to his ear) I'm sorry, Mr. Rierohl. I've got a particularly juicy deal going on here that requires my immediate attention.

NR: …thanks for the autograph, Mr. Diesel…Oh, no problem Martin. (May I call you Martin?). I'll just keep myself busy here. As a matter of fact, there's Mr. Tim. I've been meaning to ask him about that interception he made last game.

T: (he is leaned over listening to a large, overweight, and hairy human with spectacles) ...

PJ: (shaking his head furiously) I'm sorry, Not-So-Tiny, but I've already cast all the Ents. There just isn't room for you, and for the last time, there are no Ents in the Hobbit. (Which I won't confirm is in production or ever will be).

NR: (squeezing between the two of them) Sorry to butt in here, but may I ask a few questions, Mr. Tim? I'll take that absolute lack of anything resembling a reaction as a yes. So…how did you manage to make that interception last game?

T: Wwwwwwwwwwwwweeeeeeeeelllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll, iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt

NR: (losing interest, he whirls around and saunters over to what are clearly the two leading roles in the Straight To Videos roster) Hello, boys. Allow me to introduce you to our live audience from all over the Eye. (Noskull stands next to a tall, striking specimen of elf, which means he stands at 5'5" and weighs 130 lbs) This, ladeez and grunts, is the lead Wardancer of the Straight to Videos. None other than Run, Forrest, Run.

RFR: (taking a quick bow): It's always a pleasure to meet the fans…

T: (off in the distance, the big Treeman continues his answer) ssssssssssssssooooooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrtttttttttttttttttt.

NR: and this, of course, could only be the ultimate catcher himself, I Love It When A Plan Comes Together. (Noskull attempts to put his arm around this elf, who is, due to his repeated exposure to ridiculously high velocities, more energy than matter. The subsequent shock gives Noskull an excellent Don King hairstyle.)

ILIWAPCT: (chomping on his signature cigar, he chuckles) Hehe. So do I. Speaking of plans, Forrest and I have a lot of confidence in our upcoming match with the Divas. We're going to execute the completely unpredictable and unexpected "dodge" strategy. It can't fail, and they'll never see it coming.

RFR: Yeah! It's gonna rock. First, I'll dodge…

ILIWAPCT: Yup. Then, I'll dodge…

RFR: Ha! And then I'll dodge some more…

ILIWAPCT: Followed by me dodging. Where can we go wrong?

NR: I have no idea really. Do you have a backup plan?

RFR: (he darts to the side suddenly) HA! I dodged your question! We can't fail!

ILIWAPCT: (nodding sagely) So did I! I was so quick you didn't even see it coming, did you?

T: of jjjjjjjjjjjjjuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuusssssssssssssssttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt

Noskull backs away from the Dodging Duo slowly and makes his way back to Coach Martin.

MSE: (speaking into his handheld) I'm telling ya it'll be perfect, babe! Just picture it: Agamemnon the Horny and Bashdot Orrgh starring in Twin Towers of Destruction. The grizzled veteran and the upstart rookie getting into all sorts of shenanigans. It's exactly the type of small independent art-house flick you've been chasing. I may even be able to cast a few members of the Horny Babes and Harem as the "generic hot chick villains". Where can we go wrong? It's all money, it is! (cupping his handheld) I'm sorry, Mr. Rierohl. I'll be with you in a…I've got another call. Excuse me a moment. (turning away from Noskull) Hey! The Crusher. I've been meaning to call you about the Hulk 2…funny you should call…

NR: (turning to the camera suddenly, he unleashes his patented "Professional Journalist Face" on his televised audience) Well, everybody. It appears that we're not really going to be able to get too much more here, but I promise you a one-on-one "Bloodbowler's Studio" special with Coach Martin eventually. As always, remember: Stay with us, stay loyal, and we won't kill you. This is Noskull Rierohl, finally about to be…

T: hhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaapppppppppppppeeeeeeeennnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeeeeddddddd.

NR: ...knocked silly by Bhandayd. Here comes that punch now!

Fade to unconscious