12:30pm Thursday, October 30th, 2003

The Glory That Was Ori
by Noskull Rierohl

The following is an original transcript from the now-legendary live and unscripted interview with Agamemnon the Horny, regular spokesbeast for the Short and Surlys.

(Agamemnon, the original giant Minotaur of Doom, is seated in a plush English club chair in all his Chaosian glory, opposite our intrepid correspondent Noskull Rierohl. Behind them is a crackling fire, with plenty of chopped and stacked Undead)

AtH: This is a very delicate tea, Mr. Rierohl.

NR: (turns to the camera) Aaaaand...we're back with the Mighty...

AtH: (blushing) You're too kind.

NR: (nodding to Agamemnon)...Agamemnon the Horny, a massive Chunk of Chaos, a Petrifying Presence on the Pitch, and all around dangerous proposition. Before I return to the subject at hand, I'd like to allude to specific allegations made by certain Chaos Warriors who shall remain nameless but for their angry, angry temperaments. Those allegations being your ties to a seedy fellow by the name of Johnny Goldtooth. Is there any truth behind this, Mr. The Horny?

AtH: (pauses, pensively reaching off stage to grab a halfling gaffer) Um, with all due respect to my Chaosian brothers, I'd rather not discuss that at this time, Mr. Rierohl.

NR: Think nothing of it, Mr. The Horny. We'll tackle the issue at some other time. Now then, we were discussing the death of Ori Ori Ori Breath to, if I'm not mistaken, an Elven team of some kind?

AtH: (clearly emotional, he self-consciously fidgets with his halfling. Not knowing what to do with his hands, he absent-mindedly reaches up and impales the little guy on his horn and re-composes himself). It was terrible, Mr. Rierohl. They were everywhere, the skittery slippery slithery little buggers. I blitzed and I blitzed, but I couldn't...I couldn't...*choke*

NR: (a pronounced and reverent silence falls over the studio as the camera tightens on Agamemnon's face. Noskull produces a handkerchief from his painfully stunning designer blazer). It's ok, Agamemnon. No one blames you. It wasn't your fault.

AtH: (leans forward suddenly, causing the impaled halfling to pivot forward and block his vision. The distraction seems to give him pause as he brushes the dangling limbs aside). That's just it, Mr. Rierohl. That's just it. Coach didn't even let us eat the little bugger afterwards...(onto the screen stomps another little halfling)

Rupi Tinklewhistle: (arms crossed, and visibly angry, the Halfling's Helpers Union Local 343 chief stands directly in front of Agamemnon) Now you listen here, mister. You can't just go around...

AtH: (looks down distractedly, picks up the halfling, and pops him into his mouth) *munch* Thank you, Mr Rierohl, but I'm not terribly hungry at the moment, I'm afraid. *crunch*

NR: (visibly shaken, and suddenly not terribly certain what to do with his eyebrows.) Um...but you, uh, ate the half... never mind.

AtH: Hmm? As I was saying, we weren't even allowed to dig into the little guy. Coach said that he was, oh what was the word? Something that all Undead teams are...oh yeah! Tainted.

NR: Be that as it may, what's the situation with the next in the glorious Ori line, Not Ori Ori? As I understand it, Not Ori Ori is shaping up to be a fine fine member of the team, and the way your coach has been painstakingly basting and battering him with such tender care from day one makes me certain he'll be the tastiest Ori yet.

AtH: (visibly moved and obviously someplace else, Agamemnon's voice starts quivering) He never let us *crunch* eat the little guy. (He jumps to his feet, fist raised and impaled halfling twirling) Keep on blitzing, Ori Ori Ori Breath! (as he marches off the set, the camera follows him, his fist still proudly in the air). Keep on blitzing.

NR: (off camera, as the producer decides to give Agamemnon's departure the solemn dignity it deserves). Well, that was Agamemnon the Horny, Death Dealer Extraordinaire of the Short and Surlys, who wish to remind us that "It ain't Cannibalism if he ain't Related!" I'm Noskull Rierohl, and that's it for this edition of "Who needs Regen, anyway?"...